I have two girls and a son but this question is about my daughters?

Question

My first daughter is nine and the second is four. My mother always makes a big party for my nine year old decorates, makes a professional looking cake i mean it is so nice she could be hired as a party planner.

I do not ask her to do this.

For my four year old she will take her to build a bear and take them both. However she promised to do the four year old a princess cake.The four year old was so excited. My husaband and i already did something nice at home.

We do not expect anything....My question is my mom treats the does for the nine year old because she is a from a first marriage and her father only sees her every other weekend. I have spoken to her and she says i feel sorry for her. The other one has a father how do i explain this hurts me?

She recently told the four year old memaw is not making you a cake i bought you a cupcake at the store. She is upset because i visited my aunt she doesnt like

Answer 1

It can be very hard to be both a daughter to your mother and a mother to your children, especially when doing what is right for your children will likely make your mother upset.  I can see your mom's viewpoint about wanting to make things nice for your older daughter because she is not able to see her dad all the time like your younger daughter.  I am sure she thinks she is being helpful, but just doesn't realize the harm it is doing to your younger daughter.  It will probably be extremely hard and will likely make your mom really mad, but I think it is important that your mother treat both of your daughters equally and you will need to tell her so.  I come from a large family with many aunts, uncles, and cousins who all live near to each other.  I have a very vivid childhood memory that still affects me deeply (I am 49).  I once overheard, by accident, one of my aunts telling my other aunts (my dad's sisters) that she was going to do something fun with my other girl cousins.  When another aunt asked what about me?  This aunt said, "She has other aunts to do things with." (referring to my mom's sisters).  I was devastated to think that my aunt didn't want to include me in this fun simply because I had other aunts when my other girl cousins didn't.  This overheard conversation consummed me for years and I didn't tell anyone about it until I was well into my 30's.  For many years, I thought I was defective in some way, but now I realize the intentions of that aunt were noble in her eyes despite being insensitive.  Your younger daughter is old enough now to notice that she gets less than preferrential treatment by her grandma and it will begin to bother her more and more.  I would suggest that you speak privately with your mom.  Let her know how much you appreciate the special things she does for your older daughter, but you must insist that she makes things special for your younger and puts the effort in as well or not do anything for either one of them.  It is not your younger daughter's choice to live with her dad nor your older daughter's choice not to live with hers.  I think you should tell your mom that if she is upset at you for something to please discuss it privately with you and don't involve your daughters in it.

Answer 2

You have to stand up for your children and tell your mother how you feel and how potentially your child will feel. Adults need to learn that they cannot go back on their word when speaking to children. Put your feelings aside and stick up for your child.

Answer 3

Realize that when you get divorced from someone you have a child with, it drastically affects your life and the child's.

Too many people think that everyone should cater to them and do exactly what they want - in other words, they can do whatever they want with no consequences. Accept that your choices have consequences and get over it.

Answer 4

Tell your Mom.  If you can't say it, write her a letter.  This doesn't have to be a big deal but you've got to nip it in the bud.

Answer 5

I feel it too!  I have the same set up as you.. my oldest dd is 8 1/2, sister is 4 and baby brother is 1.  My MIL has been my sitter while I work since the oldest was born.  At that time, we lived closer and she saw my oldest  A LOT more and she spent a lot of time at Grandma's.  Plus my oldest was more congenial and laid back as a baby while dd #2 is more demanding.  

I always feel that Grandma favors the oldest just based on their bond. While there is nothing wrong with having a stronger bond with a grandchild, a grandma cannot go back on her promises to the child, no matter what.  I think my #2 senses the favoritism which makes her kind of more reserved with her affection for grandma, which of course only highlights the stronger bond with the older one.  

I would tell your mom to not promise anything she can't deliver.  It is hurtful to you and to the little girl.  Sure, the 9 year old doesn't have her dad around but so what?  I'm sure she is in a loving family and no amount of cake or treats is going to make up for a missing dad.....  

And just an added point - my oldest brother was favored strongly by one of my uncles.  It didn't bother me as I was 10 years younger and didnt' notice but my other brother was only 2 years younger .  My older brother, the one that was favored, to this day he says how uncomfortable it made him to be favored and he always felt badly for his younger brother missing out on the things he was getting.   Just another take on how favoritism can hurt ....