I have written another poem and i am looking for a critic? it is short and simple...eh?

Question

with your eyes so big.

you smile so bright.

you bring upon my light.

the light inside.

the one down deep,

the one that completes me.

the one that is special.

your love,

your love that i wept.

i cried for you,

at night, alone.

you came to me.

asking my name

i pondered and feared,

are all guys the same?

this actually was just a quik thing i through together. thought it was ok, especially something with no real inspiration...so...keep workin?

Answer 1

yep...keep workin.  Other than grammatical corrections required, you need to watch for repeated words...like "light" in lines 3 and 4...they're too close together.  Not capitalizing the "the" between the two "lights", causes the reader to miss the period and they try to run the two lines together as one phrase.  Also, whether intended or not, you have a rhymed couplet in lines 2 and 3, which make it sound "rhymy", even though that's the only place you do it.  The other thing about poetry is that it shouldn't be a grocery list...and your poem almost becomes one between "the one down..." and "...special".  You also use "wept" and "cried" back to back...it's redundant...pick one and drop the other.  Your last phrase, "I pondered and feared are all guys the same" makes the reader believe this is either a woman poet or a g*y poet.  You should have also put your question "are all guys..." in quotes or used a colon after "feared".

As you said in your post, it was a "quik" [sic] thing you "through" [sic] together...so most of the comments will probably come as no surprise.  The good news is that you took the time to write down your poem so you'd at least have something to work with.  Many poets don't do that and regret it the next day when they can't remember the details of what was on their mind.  

...and in case  you didn't know, "[sic]" means:  Sic is a Latin word meaning "thus", "so", "as such", or "just as that". In writing, it is placed within square brackets and usually italicized—[sic]—to indicate that an incorrect or unusual spelling, phrase, punctuation, and/or other preceding quoted material has been reproduced verbatim from the quoted original and is not a transcription error.[

It's a rough draft...keep writing.