I helped the birth mom keep her child and??

Question

My son's 1st mom decided to keep his sister. I know in my heart, and with her history, that she's not going to be a good parent. I feel so guilty for letting her go! Has anyone ever felt like they needed to push the adoption harder? She says I do a great job with my son, and she's thanksful, she just changed her mind at the last minute.

Answer 1

You shouldn't feel guilty, since it is her decision to make. If you had pushed harder and she signed away her rights you might need to feel guilty. Good parent or not, it is really her choice.

I know I was talking to a pregnant woman who decided to parent, and I was getting some advice about "pushing" her. I didn't feel comfortable at all with that, and am glad I didn't do it.  

Answer 2

To the OP: Why do you feel she would not be a good mother? Is there a reason for it? I'm not saying you're wrong, you could be right. But if you don't tell us anything, all we get is your perspective. Is there something bad going on with her? Do you know for sure? Have you spoken to her?

Shelly P: [Sunny does NOT know the history of this firstmother]

Nor do you, unless I'm very much mistaken and you have been PMing this person back and forth. In which case, please do correct me.

Morgaine: My apologies. I misread the first paragraph of your answer and thought you were going to bash the biological mother for having wanted to keep her child. I'm sorry for giving you the thumbs down, I should have looked a little closer.

I re-read your answer and I applaud you for what you said, just so you know.

Answer 3

I could swear, that just a couple weeks ago, you said you were helping her--but didn't want THIS child.

So you had designs on her baby after all? Felt you needed to 'push the adoption harder'?

You're really shameless. Is giving her child up for adoption what you're after, or is it giving her child to YOU?  

I'm truly aghast at your motives.  I don't think 'guilt' is what you feel--you wouldn't recognize it.

Answer 4

Is there a way that you can be involved with her? Maybe under the guise of them getting to know their siblings... maybe you can be a good influence, particularly if she can acknowledge how good a Mum you are! As for the guilt, you've done an amazing thing and it sounds like you did the best you could... you should feel pride not guilt!

Answer 5

Honestly, it sounds like you mutually used each other. You gave your heart away when it wasn't yours to give.  It isn't your baby.  

Now, as a social worker who worked in maternal child health, there are some major red flags here.  There must have been an evaluation done at the hospital based on her past drug use and the fact that she did not get prenatal care.  The hospital I worked at did mandatory drug tests on the mom if there was no  prenatal care and then followed it up with a visit.  Someone on Meth should not be raising a baby.  My guess is the baby will indeed end up in foster care and the mother will be given a chance to get "clean."  Maybe she will change, maybe not.   Hopefully, she will.

The thing is you are going to drive yourself crazy by judging her and making the determination that you are a more worthy parent.  Life is just unfair in this way.  I really can relate to your anger, I have two kids  living with me due to the tragedy of Meth addiction.  All I can say to you is you CAN'T figure it out.  Figuring out why someone who uses Meth does what they do will drive YOU insane.  You are trying to rationalize a totally irrational behavior.  There is no rhyme or reason to Meth. addiction, it is just tragic.  I battle my anger about this a lot and I just have learned I have to let it go and love the kids.

So, go back and love your child. Detach from this woman.  Don't wait for her to give you her baby, move on with your life.  You seem WAY overly invested in HER life.  Focus on your own.  

Answer 6

I think people that take pregnant girls into their home to try and manipulate them into relinquishing their children are sick and twisted.

I think she should try to get her son back from you as well.  

Its immoral and unethical to take advantage of girls like you do.

I'm convinced now that infertility leads some women to insanity.

I suggest a good therapist for you and not a touched christian one.

ETA: Go see a therapist. You're upset because you didn't get that "promised" child. She should try to get her son back from you..cigs or no cigs. Something is not right with you upstairs.

Answer 7

Thank you Sunny!

I don't know if the person that asked this question is new to Y!A, but there are countless people that ask questions about why adoption is legal because the birth parents are forced to give up their kids.  I have tried to defend the adoption process, because I didn't have a bad experience with it.  This question (which borders on illegal activity [coersion]), just gives those people ammunition.

Answer 8

It is her prerogative to change her mind.  There is nothing you can do about her wanting to parent her own child.  To judge her as being a bad parent, especially since she is the biological mother to your son, is just wrong.  You don't know how bad/good of a parent she will be.  The baby is less than a week old, and you need to let her be a parent to this child.

You also need to work on getting over this so that your son and her daughter can have a sibling relationship.  You need to make sure that they have access to each other so that they grow up knowing each other.

You should NEVER ever push a biological mother into an adoption that she isn't comfortable with.  You have been on this site for a while, don't you read the biological mother's pain, the adoptee's pain at being forced, or coerced into placing a child for adoption (or being placed for adoption)?  It is sick that you feel entitled to this child...the only person entitled to the child is the biological family.  

In adoption there is always the risk that the biological family will want to parent the child.  You took this risk, and still you felt like the child was yours.  It was good of you to help her through her pregnancy, but she didn't owe you this child.  I am sorry you are in so much pain (I truly am) but I wish you would understand how awful you are sounding when you write questions like this.  It makes you look really bad.

Answer 9

I know you were disappointed that she said she wanted you to adopt this baby but a birthparent changing their minds is a risk of adoption.

There is nothing you can if she is going to be a bad mother she is going to be a bad mother and will likely have the baby removed from her care at some point. If she is a Methhead and leaving her baby at a meathdealers house it will probably be for  the best. I would not encourage an adoption at this point since she has changed her mind. Now what you might tell her is that you support her decision to keep and parent but that if it ever get to much and she decides that she does not want to parent that you would be open to taking in this baby/child.

As far as her living conditions it seems very selfish for her to have her children live in such conditions if help has been offered her. Even more surely there are places she could find that would at least have running water and electricity.

Cruzgirl is right you need to focus on your own family and not this woman. You can try and encourage her to be a good mother, seek employment, give her some small assistance which you have already done giving her some baby items she can use. In the end if she does not want to help herself which seems to be the case there is only so much you can do.  Life sucks some people are born to people who aren’t the greatest parents and are even to a point bad parents. That’s just the way it is. Others are born to not the greatest parents  but are lucky to get a new family.  Maybe this woman will turn her life around and be a superior mother but maybe she wouldn’t turn her life around and her child will group up around drugs or in the FCS. Either way there is nothing you can do about it other than say pray to the lord to take care of this baby.  

Answer 10

I couldn't have said it better than Sunny.  How shady and underhanded to convince this woman that you want to "help" her when what you really wanted was her baby.  What, are you upset that she didn't feel indebted enough to you this time?  You think she ought to just keep handing over children as payment for your "services"?

I remember awhile back, you said that in your state, she only has TEN DAYS to change her mind.  I wonder...how does she feel NOW about having given up her son?  I wonder, after her hormones stopped raging, if she regretted her decision?  I wonder, is ten days really enough time?  

Listen...you gave birth once.  Put yourself in her position.  Do you think it's easy to just hand your kid over to someone else as payment for a roof over your head?  If you think it's such a great idea, why didn't you give your son away?

I defended you once.  I thought you were learning.  Never again.  You make me sick.

ETA:  You said, "Also, if she loved the baby, why didn't she go see it more in the nursery."  First of all, the baby isn't an "it".  Second, EVERYONE around her is telling her she's not good enough, she's worthless, a drug addict, doesn't deserve her baby.  Even if you're not saying that in actual words, I have no doubt that she's catching your very obvious vibes, and I'm sure you're not the only one.  She's not good enough to be a mom.  She can't face not being good enough.  She needs to go and medicate the pain of losing ANOTHER child to people who are "better" than her.  How hard is that to understand?  And HOW do you justify comparing how many times YOU went to see her baby to many times SHE went to see her baby???  YOU want this kid to add to your "I'm so wonderful, I'm saving the world" shelf.  SHE gave birth to a child that everyone is telling her she's not worthy of keeping.  Of course you're going to go see that baby more!  What better way to convince everyone in your small town that you're so much better than this broken woman, and that you deserve her baby more.

Therapy, hon.  PLEASE.

Answer 11

I think that a decision about adoption can only be made after a mother has recovered from birth.  Having said that, are resources available to her so she is not trapped in poverty? Can you help her escape from the poverty that you described her living in a previous post.  Being forced to live in dangerous circumstances is nothing that any mother wants for her child.  At the same time, poverty should never force any mother to surrender.  

The loss of her son likely showed her just how extremely painful it is to lose a baby to adoption, no matter how good the adoptive parents are.  The pain is unimaginable (it can be as bad as having a baby die) and it can increase over time as well instead of go away, so she may be in for the most painful part of her life still in the future.  She may not want to compound that pain with the loss of yet another child.

Is there a way to steer her towards better housing, parenting classes, financial aid, and a new mothers support group, etc?    Too bad that governments withhold proper financial assistance from mothers, forcing families to be torn apart -- it is a human rights violation.  I hope that she can find the support she needs to keep her baby.

Mothers don't change their minds "at the last minute" unless they were made to believe they had to make a "decision" pre-birth, which is long before they should be making any decision at all about whether to keep or surrender their babies.  They should be allowed to recover from birth first before making this type of decision, because a mother's feelings about her baby are something that she can only really know once birth had occurred.  Adoption is for unloved and unwanted children -- if a mother loves and wants her baby, then she should not have to surrender it.