I hurt my husband, and I need advice?

Question

Before my husband and I were together I messed around with other guys. It wouldn't have been so bad, but I lied about it constantly. Then last night I told him about it. We were married August 8, so not long ago. We are living apart for right now because he is in the military, and I am supposed to be with him the end of September. I am not asking to be attacked, I am asking for real honest advice. I cant stop crying, and I obviously hurt him. He is upset and doesn't want to talk for a few days because he needs time to heal, which is understandable. But I cant go an hour without talking to my husband, much less two days :[ I feel like our marriage is on the rocks. I feel like he is going to leave me. But I know that marriage is not easy and it takes work, and I truly want to work on this. I was dishonest and I told him how sorry I am and how I cant live without him. It's not like I cheated on him, I was just not honest about it. It kills me that I hurt him so badly. Has anybody ever been through this before??? I am so distraught that I cant even get out of bed.... Thank you

Answer 1

I just went through this 2 weeks ago, my husband left but came back after realizing that IT WAS BEFORE ARE MARRIAGE just give it time talk it out good luck if you need to talk drop me a e-mail!

Answer 2

Time heals the broken heart.  Sit down and write him a letter and tell him why you told him and that it's your past and the only way to keep our marriage intact was by YOU (yourself) to confess of your sins and wipe anyway all your past behind you and start a new clean life with the man you truly love.  I'll keep you both in prayer and pray that it will work out for the to of you.

Answer 3

Some men would think that you were then very experienced for him. Others, like your hubby are natually suspicous of infidelity and controlling, He wanted to know he was the first and the best. Would he have refused top marry you if he knew? Perhaps. It is a trust issue. You two need marriage counseling,

Answer 4

Telling him about your premarital relationships NOW was bad timing.You'll just have to wait and see what happens.I am sure he will forgive you if he asked you about it when you were dating and you lied, but he will have a hard time trusting you because you  broke that hon.

Just hang in there,I am sure he won't hold it against you, but I am sure he is wondering if he can trust you now since he is away.

Answer 5

Your question is puzzling.  You messed around BEFORE you even got together with your husband?  Who cares.  And why did you lie about it?  What's he so HURT about?  The fact that you lied or the fact that you weren't "pure" LOL!  I don't get it.  I don't understand why divorce is on the horizon.  I had LOTS of s*x before I met my husband.  Big deal.  And so did he.  We're committed to each other now.  We are not interested in the past.

Answer 6

I see both sides.  He is hurt because you lied. My husband has lied to me in fear that I will be really upset, but then I get extremely mad and dont forgive him when I find out the truth.  Its hard either way but you did the right thing by telling him because you cant keep up with a lie forever.  You dont want to bump into people you have messed around with and he finds out that way.  Guys hate to know that their girl has "messed around" but thats always the case.  People never marry virgins anymore.  I dont know what you did in the past, maybe it embarrases him.  I dont know if you told him certain things that maybe he cant picture his "wife" doing, im not sure how honest  you were.  But dont feel bad because you pissed him off.  Its a good thing he is not home and has time to digest the information.  He will miss you and eventually want to speak to you.  But next time, dont give details, its not a good idea.  People say they want to hear the truth but they actually dont want to hear the entire truth if it will hurt them.  Just dont lie to him again. your married now, its not good to start out that way.  Good luck.  I hope he gets over it.

Answer 7

You said you were dishonest, that you didn't tell him you messed around, if you were together, married or not, you were together. The best thing you can do is give him the space he needs right now, your constant need to be in touch with him is to soothe yourself, he needs time to heal just as he said. You also need to forgive yourself, you will be no good to him or yourself if you don't start to heal also. One day at a time sister woman, you'll get through it. Just a future thought "To thine own self be true.

Answer 8

How long ago was your past with other men?  And where you with your husband?  If not I would not worry about it.  What happened in the past happened.  He will get over it, you are married now and the only focus you should have is him and your relationship.  Why did you tell him all this any way?

Answer 9

Just reassure him that it all happened before you got together with him and that he is the only one for you.  He can't blame you for your past.  If he doesn't see that, you should move on.

Answer 10

A lot of the responder are under the assumption that your husband is upset that you fooled around with other guys before you ever met him, however, I don't think that is the problem. You yourself said you two talked about your prior relationships but you LIED to him about yours. Then he married you under false pretenses. I can understand now that he may have "buyers remorse", not for the quality of the person, yet the integrity.

He feels manipulated to a certain degree. You need to find a way to gain the trust back and be prepared to work hard at it.

You have been married less than a month before you had to "tell him everything", I am sure that is unsettling to him.

Answer 11

Well honey, it might be a relief for you to get if off your chest and tell him, BUT, everyone has a past, if he needs to heal, let him be, he will come around, he didnt marry you for the wrong reasons,

Answer 12

Maybe you can write him, and just be as honest as you can about how you feel.

Answer 13

It's not like you cheated on him but you were dishonest. If he asked you should have told him that there were others before him. If he didn't ask then the past is just that the past. Your husband will have a hard time getting over you not being truthful. If you guys get through this, never never never be untruthful again.

Answer 14

Well first of all - why the h**l did you tell him?  Geez!  And while he was away?!  He has more important things to worry about right now!

Second of all - Your marriage will not end over this so stop stressing.  Marriage is HARD HARD work so this, I promise, will be the least of your worries.  It's gonna get worse and you need to know that because too many people just give up when things get tough.

Third of all - Freakin out about it will not help you or your husband.  He, like I said, has more important things to worry about and you should be a better military wife.  Military wives don't give their husbands more things to worry about when they are on duty or in the field or at war.  Thats how accidents happen.  Military wives are supportive and loving because they have to be.  It's their duty as military wives.  

Fourth of all - you should be enjoying marriage right now, not rehashing things in the past.  

Stop crying, put your head up, act like a woman for crying out loud, and don't lie to your hubby anymore.

Answer 15

He needs to understand, or you have to explain to him that was your past, and that you only want to be with him.  I am sure part of his hurt is that he may think that you are going to go back to that way of life, especially considering that he is gone at the moment.  Ya'll just need to talk about it, and when he comes back, go see a counselor so you can explain why you withheld that stuff, and he can explain why he feels the way he does.  If it was all before him, he will get over it, but he needs to know you only want him now.  Good Luck  

Answer 16

I really dont understand why he would be hurt if all of this happened BEFORE you met him.

I'm sure he had been with other women before you.

Answer 17

Are you sure this is the truth? This doesn't sound right to me. For him to be angry this must've happened when you two were together.

Answer 18

Not good.  From his perspective, you completely lied to him and your marriage is somewhat based upon a belief of a lie.   He feels betrayed and that you only told him once you were married in some hopes that it would help avoid him leaving you otherwise.  Either be honest up front or never bring it up.  The timing couldn't have been worse and the best you can do now is try to convince him the reason you did it was so you wouldn't scare him away. That it's a part of your distant past and isn't who you are now.  You've lost a lot of trust with him, the best you can do now is try to build it back and hope he forgives you.

Answer 19

I have a question and comment. First when you said before you were together do you mean exclusively or before you even met? If before met not sure why its a issue. With that being said also not sure why he would ask and you lie about past prior to marriage. Unless he wanted to marry someone who was a virigin, and please do not attack me for making the comment that some men and women would like to and do remain pure tell marriage.

Secondly my comment is why did you release this on him all of a sudden? It seems to me that you wanted to relieve your guilt but in so doing cause him pain. Might want to examine why you wanted to cause him pain this is what concerns me more not about your past but rahter you did something that you had to know might cause  him anguish and more so since you are physically apart.

Answer 20

you should have told him before you married or never ,, you have shaken his trust and as you are apart a lot that will be a big thing

you will have to convince him that you want only him and that was all in the past

try to give him the days he asks for to think but send him an email or a text once a day telling him you are sorry. that you love only him and are missing him

good luck

Answer 21

I guess you will have to go away

next time do not tell anyone

Answer 22

Let me get this straight........

your husband is in the MILITARY?   You are living APART right now?

well, then, what happened BEFORE you two met should be the LAST of your problems.

I was in the service for 6 years..............

and most "marriages" were an absolute joke....if not outright shams.

If he's old enough to serve..........then he's a big boy.

Rent the movie Clerks.......there's an excellent scene, where the guy asks his ex-girlfriend, who he is trying to get back together with......just how many guys she's been with.

Funny stuff.

He is not amused at her answer or attitude.

anyway............lies and deceit are a crappy way to start a lifelong union.

It's not the affairs..........it's that he now feels tricked and deceived.....and now the seed has been planted........what ELSE have you lied about?

Sorry........once trust is blown.........it's blown.

It takes a lifetime to build......and  a split second to destroy.

Hopefully, he's the forgiving , understanding sort.

Answer 23

the past is the past you did this before you were with him so he can't really hold this over your head...if he loves you enough he should know that who were before you got together is not the same person you are now...you both needs to go talk to someone he's in the military and has access to either a chaplain or mental health...

good luck

Answer 24

You just need to tell him that you may have done that in the PAST, but now you've met him and have no NEED to continue that behavior, or you wouldn't have married him.  That you are committed 100% to the relationship, and that you wish you hadn't even brought it up, but if he really does not feel like he can trust you, then he needs to move on.  (But don't worry...he WON'T walk away!).  Then give it time, and it will heal.