I just found out I was adopted.?

Question

I am 29, and never in a million years would have thought I would go through this. I am still in shock and cry all the time. I just can't believe it. I feel grateful for being taken in and all, but I never thought I had to, I thought I was theirs, and of course that's how they have always made me feel, theirs, above all. I suspected a little, but more from my mother's side, but it is devastating either side, her or him. I just can't believe I am not theirs, biologically. It hurts a lot. I just thought it would ease my pain if I could hear someone else's experience, Thank you.

Answer 1

Oh wow, what a blow.  The incredibly hard thing to remember is that you are still the EXACT SAME PERSON you have always been; it's just that your understanding of some of yourself has changed.

Your birth parents made a choice - their choice, not anything really to do with who you are - and your adoptive parents made a choice too - again, their own choice.  You are still the amazingly valuable person you were yesterday before you found out.  I'm sorry you weren't told before - learning this late must really rock your world (I learned when I was 8, during the "where babies come from" speech, and I intend to be sure my two-year-old knows his whole life.  We pray for his birth mom and dad every night.)

And you are theirs - not genetically, but in every single way that matters - you are theirs.  I have to share a sappy poem:

Not flesh of my flesh

nor bone of my bone

but still, miraculously, my own

never forget for a single minute

you didn't grow under my heart

but in it

Talk to your parents.  They are the parents; you are the kid; and they owe you their unconditional love and support.  Anything you are feeling right now is VALID and OK and REAL, no matter what anyone tells you.

Hang in - once the shock wears off, you may find yourself on an amazing journey.

Answer 2

the important thing is that you are still loved

everyone has to go through these kinda things

Answer 3

I hope you comforted to know how much you were wanted...A friend of mine is adopting and she is so happy....I've never seen a more excited happy mother to be...dad too.  They are planning to tell the baby from the beginning.....she will have her 'own' story.  do you think it would of been better if you had always known???

God bless you!!

Answer 4

I am very sorry!  That cannot be easy finding out at such a late age.  I hope you know that this changes nothing about how your parents feel about you.  If you need anything please feel free to contact me.  I was adopted at birth and have lived the majority of life knowing I was adopted.  I lived a very normal and extremely happy life as an adoptee.  ((Hugs)) Stay strong everything will be fine you will see.

Answer 5

I am SO very sorry that for whatever reason your parents did not tell you at an early age- It would be very hard to comprehend it all at almost 30, I would think-  I am sure that your parents really meant well, and thought it was in your best interest not to tell you- however, it is hard , I am sure.   If you want to talk some more, email me-

Answer 6

i found out i was adopted when i was 10 years old. At the time, i didnt think much of it mostly because i didnt know what the word adoption meant. but now, i have a completely different opinion. i miss my birth mom and dad so much and i know absolutely nothing about them. that really bothers me. i do know at the same time though, that i have a really great foster family and they take such good care of me. its a natural reaction to feel upset easily by this. just know that you are loved no matter who it was with and they probably did the right thing.

Answer 7

i know how you feel, i was adopted too. im 26 now, and i was 13 when i found out. i was crushed and im still dealing with it. just know that your still the same person you have always been. be grateful you had a family. in most cases, a child is better off bc they were adopted. and know that your family is the family that raised you as their own. if you feel the need to find your biological parents, thats up to you. just know that may hurt your adopted family. You were CHOSEN, by a family that WANTED you, and not raised by someone that just happened to get pregnant and didnt have any other options. You are lucky, and you are blessed. it's always going to be in the back of your mind, i know that from experience. but your family wanted to take you in and show you that bond, that love, and that life that you wouldn't have had otherwise. it hurts bad, i know, but in time it wont dominate your every thought.

Answer 8

WOW - they waited so long to tell you - that's shocking.

They should be ashamed.

Calling themselves parents - and they never allowed you your own truth. In fact - they've essentially lied to you your entire life.

That was extremely cruel of them. I'm so very sorry you're facing this mess now.

Know that you're not alone.

Allow yourself to feel WHATEVER it is you want to feel.

It's a shock to find out so late. It messes with your whole idea of identity, self image and self worth.

It shatters what you thought was your 'life story'.

No one should ever be told to feel grateful for being lied to their entire lives.

(how ridiculous that so many would try to suggest this to you now - UGH)

No amount - EVER - of - 'oh - at least you were chosen' - bulldust will ever make up for that punch in the stomach your a-parents have now given you.

Do come over to the adoptee forum - if you get the chance.

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

It's a place where you will be fully understood. A place where you don't have to constantly justify your feelings. A place where you can feel just how YOU want to feel.

I wish you all the very best.

Please take care of you.

Answer 9

Your parents are still your parents they raised you and loved you and you never suspected so they did a d**n good job. It's a shock for sure, they should have told you when you were little but they didn't, shame on them, but they love you and thought they were doing the right thing just like your birthmom thought she was doing the right thing. Cry it out. It's ok. Were any of your siblings adopted or were you an only child?

Answer 10

I am really sorry for your situation.it must have been a terrible shock,and you will be going through so many different emotions. i think you really need to talk through your feelings with a counsellor,and see if you can make any sense of all this.you need to talk to your parents about why they have never told you,and they have to recognise the effect is has on you.whatever you reasons,you deserve to know the truth,so you can come to terms with it.

wshing you all the best x

Answer 11

I can imagine this must be such a surprise! I am sure it hurts a lot to think one thing and find out that lies or the lack of truth means everything you know about yourself is now changed.

My mother and aunt grew up with a cousin who didn't find out she was adopted until she was 19 and it was very tramatic for her. She had a very difficult time and several years of rebellion sort to speak....

I would think that you might want to find a counselor who has some understanding about this sort late understanding... Someone who can help you sort out your feelings and process this information in the way the YOU need to.

I do want to make one comment about something you said in this questions...

You said "....... I feel grateful for being taken in and all,....."

Most of us who adopt children don't adopt because we want to take a baby or child "in" and most of us don't want to adopt a child so they will feel grateful...  

Had the parents who adopted you Not adopted you Someone else would have so... there isn't a reason to feel you would have been alone without the family you were raised with...

Most adoptive parents adopt BECAUSE that want to be parents and add children to their family--most of us just want to love our children the best we know how and give them a great life--Most of us are Grateful to have the chance to be parents.....

As with many things in life you are going to need time to process what you have learned and you will go through a variety of feelings as you process this traumatic change of truth.... It is normal to be hurt by lies or missing information please try to seperate the feelings you have about the lies and information from the Person Who You Are...

The person you are will be stronger in the end and is who you are--even though you have just learned the people who love you are not the people you thought they were....

Answer 12

I wasn't adopted but I found out when I was 14 that my father wasn't my father but her was my brother and sister's father.

It was the worse feeling in the world,I felt lost,betryal,helpless and all of the above!!!!

I think it's trama we feel when something like that comes out.

I know you might also feel like"why did you tell me?"

it's hard to take but they have hlp for people that have went through the same thing as you just did.

I think maybe if you ever feel you can't get a hold of your feelings and over welling you need to go and get help and see how other's have to and have dealed with you same hurt.

I'm sorry you are so sad but one thing I would think about is...They love you no differant and what if your life would have been differant with out them?Your real mother gave you up because she either couldn't or too younge and that is a blessing because alot of people who do keep their babies that either don't want them or to younge end up doing more harm then good to their children, not because they don't care but because they thought of that raod and never took it.

Your family loves you and You had the right to know but please don't let it turn into angur and harm your self more when there is help and people who can give you the support you need right now.

Something I wish someone would have told me aboutwhen I found out...

take care aand I am sorry this hurts really bad for you.

Answer 13

Yes, I was adopted too.

I'm 34,

and was told when i was 30.

But, you have to remember, your adopted parents meant you no harm. they we're helping you. don't take it out on them. after all, they raised you when your biological parents couldnt.

Answer 14

As an adoptive parent, I think your parents made a major mistake by not telling you all along that you were adopted.  We told our daughter, from the time she could talk.  Kind of like, you have blond hair, your tall, and oh yeah, you were adopted.

As far as who your parents are.  Your parents are the people that loved and protected you for 29 years.  The ones that set though all those soccer and ball games, cheered your successes and comforted your failures.  

Remember, any idiot can be a biological parent.  It takes some one special to raise an intelligent and happy child.  

I think it would be alright to talk to your  parents about your biological history.  But remember, they ARE your parents.  No one is perfect, & I'm sure they did their best.  

I also would bet they never thought of you as anything but thier kid.  I never think of my daughter in any other way.

Answer 15

I was 31 when I found out.  I felt like my past had to be erased and rewritten.  I kept repeating "YOU ALL KNEW!"  That was over 20 years ago.  My aparents never told me, never discussed it, never admitted it - even after I knew.  They took whatever they knew to their graves.

Lots of issues - erasing your personal history, wondering "who am I?" and dozens of other questions.  Depending on what state you were born/adopted in - anything from full unrestricted access to your records to non-identifying info only to court order only.

There have been some excellent support sites mentioned.  Some of them on Yahoo.  Come join us.

Answer 16

Oh, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I will never forget the day I was told what being adopted actually meant.  I was always told I was adopted as far back as I remember, but I didn't really know what it meant.  I remember the day that I asked my mom to explain what "adopted" means.  When she did, it felt like all the life drained out of me and the weight of the world fell down on my shoulders.  I felt dizzy and in shock.  I will NEVER forget that moment  I realized that she and my dad and my siblings weren't my blood relatives and that somewhere "out there" were my real parents and I couldn't meet them.  It was horrible.  I really feel for you, I know how bad it hurts.  I've been hurting ever since.  I send you a big hug, you're not alone.

Answer 17

Very sorry your parents should have told you a long time ago.  Here is a forum you might check out there are other people who found out they were adopted late in life. http://forums.adoption.com/adult-adoptee...

When things have calmed down I would go to your parents and ask them why they felt the need to keep this a secret. Just remember that you are still theirs in every single way but genetics. If you want to search for your genetic family that’s ok.

Answer 18

oh gosh, i am SO sorry this happened to you.  i hope so much that you will come join us at the best place for adoptees

adultadoptees.org

and also check this-

http://www.latediscovery.org/

again, i am so sorry.  you must be on a rollercoaster right now.  i'd be pissed, that's for sure.

Answer 19

My mom died when I was around when I was 9... :( and I found out that my dad was having an affair when my parents were married and my dad is remarried now and... :( I hate this and it changed my life for ever. :'(

Answer 20

one of my best friends was adopted, she's known since she was little, just think of all your parents have done for you

Answer 21

family is that group of people that love you unconditionally, no matter what. if your biological mother loved you, she wouldnt have given u up. period.

Answer 22

I can understand how u r feeling i can really feel it but i personally feel see how they have nutured you she has not given u birth but she didnt even left u alone they have givemm u lots of love n care more than  any one can see see they nourishment instead of thinking that they have not given youy birth..... think n feel there love for u... feel your self very lucky that ur the person not biologically attached  but got everything more than if you would have biologically attached.......... i can only console u n make u understand n can tell u to think positively ... butu you are the one who can really hold your self n live the world peacefully n with the truth that came at front of u.......... live your life happily instead spending your precious life by spending precious tears...... with lots of love n blessing

Answer 23

I have a friend whose adopted, it doesn't make you any different. If your step parents love you and treat you normally, their you're real family. My friends real family has nothing to do with her after she's had contact with them. I'm very sorry for your situation, I'll be praying for you. Still love your family, they love you still!

Answer 24

The only person that I know this happened to was quite angry with a-parents for years because they felt lied to.  I don't blame her - that would fundamentally upstage ones whole life.  On the other hand, there are adults who find out that they are not biologically related to one or both parents (artificial insemination, cheating on the part of the mother, illegal adoption) until they have a medical emergency.  You are not alone, but I would recommend counseling to prevent becoming bitter over it.

Answer 25

I'm so very sorry that you are having to deal with all these issues all at once.  If you had known from the beginning you would have had an opportunity to work on things a little at a time.  Now, it's all hitting you at once.  Please do check the support groups that have been suggested for you.  Adoptees are really the only ones who can understand what you are going through.  I'm an adoptive mom, and I'm just now learning a lot of stuff that had never occurred to me before.  But, I have never kept anything from my children about their birth families.  If they ask, I answer as honestly and as lovingly as I can.  

If you get flippant answers from this site, just ignore them.  Some people seem to answer just so they can earn "points" and reach a higher level.  I don't mean to say that all of the answers fall into that category.  And, if non-adoptees have given unkind answers, it may just be that they truly don't know what it's like for adoptees.  That's why I hope you will check out some good support groups where you can find the understanding you need from other adoptees.

Answer 26

Wow i am so sorry but lot of people go thru this and i do not have any adopted children now but in the future i will. I understand your pain and will be sure to tell my kids how loved and how there biological parents thought this was the best route.  But go and talk to your parents!! it is the best thing to do at a time like this

Answer 27

I am an adoptive mom.  I've told my son, since before he could talk that he was adopted.  I keep a special envelope for his biological mother..with some of his artwork, pictures and cards if he wants to give it to her one day.

It seems to have not worked in my favor telling him so young,... he always says, "I hate you."  "You're stupid."  "You are my second mom." etc.  He has a lot of anger toward me, and even though he is still young (school age), he expresses his anger daily.

I am sorry you found out so late in life.

Answer 28

My ex-husband found out he was adopted when he was 21 and 6 weeks before our wedding. He was not told directly, one of his sisters told me and I thought he knew and hadn't said anything and confronted him about this as our wedding was so close.

He didn't have a clue.

He was one of 4 children (2nd eldest) and the only one who was adopted. His siblings all knew he was adopted.

He didn't.

It messed up his head dramatically!

His parents told him that his biological mother was 16 when she had him and that they knew her through friends of the family but would not tell him her name or anything.

Years went on (he always felt inadequate and unworthy after this) - we broke up after 7 years of marriage and one child. He had no background histories for medical conditions etc. He refused to have more than one child.

After many years he put his name down on the contact register with the Dept. Family Services? (I don't know the actual department that has the register) and about 10 years ago his biological mother did as well. He wrote to her, she wrote back but refuses to have an actual meeting as her family don't know about him.

He is 60 this year and this revelation and deception on behalf of his family has tainted him forever.

The deception is one of the strongest feelings he had because other family members knew (even the siblings born well after he was adopted) and he is now estranged from his siblings. His parents are both dead and never told him more about the circumstances of his adoption or why they never told HIM.

I know how you feel and even though you had a great upbringing and family this news at your age from the fact that others in the family knew (and have now told you) will undermine everything. It is the deception that is what gets you.

This news undermines everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.

Answer 29

I'm adopted and theres nothing wrong with being adopted.as for being grateful- THEY are the ones who should be grateful, your adoptive parents got to have the gift of a child from someone brave enough to realize that they couldn't give that child the best life. always remember- you were chosen by your family,not thrust upon them. they should have told you sooner but theres no turning back the clock .when you all settle down you can ask more questions and be a little better informed. Good luck .

Answer 30

I'm very sorry you are going through this... (hugs)

Answer 31

I found out less than a year ago, at the age of 57, that I was adopted!  It will be a year on April 12.  I totally understand your feelings.

You might consider joining some adoption search sites and message boards.  You'll find lots of understanding adoptees and birth parents, or first parents, as some prefer to be called.  Just do a search.  There are many.  

Some are:

Late Discovery Adoptees

Soaring Angels

Adoption Database

Please register with ISRR, the International Soundex Reunion Registry, if you want to find your birth parents.  I think I put a link on my web page.  See below.

I suspected since I was 12, but my mother always denied it, so I felt crazy most of my life because I just couldn't shake the idea that I thought I might have been adopted.

Please read my story.

You'll probably cry off and on for a long time.  It's been almost a year for me, and I still get angry, depressed, and go through all sorts of emotions.  With about a million (okay, maybe dozens) of aunts, uncles, cousins, you'd think somebody would have slipped up in all those years, especially since my parents have been dead for over 25 years and I have medical issues.  But no, nobody said a word until I told an aunt that my doctor said one medical problem was hereditary --  my lymphedema (Look that one up, it's a bummer!) -- so she figured I needed to know.