I just found out that my mom was physically abused by my dad 30 years ago. What do I do?

Question

My mom just opened up to me, the 1st person ever she said, and said that my dad beat her up on 2-3 occasions when they were first married years ago; including while she was pregnant with me. She also said that he was caught kissing one of her "friends" and fondling anothers breast years ago. 1. I am mad and feel so bad for my mom. 2. What causes this behavior? 3. I really hope that it stopped all those years go. 4. She told me that she kept it a secret for 35 years and that I need to not say anything either. I just needed to get this out, it's tearing me up inside. Anyone have any advice or online resources for me?

Answer 1

Honey, remember this happened YEARS ago. When both were young dumb and full of immature actions and thinking. It is devastating to a young bride, yes, but obviously you would know if he continued the conduct. So that means he realized it was wrong and didn't do it any more. He may have been angry and/or drinking and had not learned self control yet and anger management.

I am not condoning it, it is a horrible thing, but don't ruin your relationship with your father over actions of yesteryear. Just hug your mom, feel her pained memories and then let it pass...  

Answer 2

Was he doing it during the 35 years? Or just 35 years ago?

I say message Dr. Phil about this issue lol.

Answer 3

There are a variety of reason you can give for physically abuse, but it won't change the fact that it is in the past. 30 years ago is a long time. I don't think your mom want you to confront your dad, I think she wants you to learn a life lesson. The feeling you got at the moment she told you about the incidents is the feeling she wants you to know in your heart so that you do not do this to the person you love.

The behavior is a lack of respect for the vows your father gave to your mother when then got married, the fact that your father did not have any self control is a character flaw.

I hope you feel better soon.  

Answer 4

How is your mom's health?  My mom told me a bunch of bizarre stuff like this about my father, and then some really weird stuff about her mother, and then we found out shortly afterwards that she was developing Alzheimer's.  If this happened 35 years ago, I'm guessing your mom must be in her 50's.  You might suggest she get checked out by her doctor because there are medications that can help now.

Answer 5

Your mother is a secret keeper and wants to train you to be one too.

Don't do it.

What she told you about your father was probably only the tip of the iceburg.

My advice is never let your father be alone for a minute with any girls - you know what he does, don't help him by ignoring it.

Answer 6

thats so mean your mum told you! i know its horrible but it was 35 years ago she should have left him when it first happened, now by telling you this you will have a lot of resentment towards to your dad even though he have may never done anything wrong to you. Your mum should have gotten counselling before telling you. I hope they are not still together!  

Answer 7

sorry- its kind of messed up that your mom felt the need to burden you with that info. The past is in the past- just move on & vow to NEVER be with a man who would do that-

Answer 8

I agree with cupidgirl...your Mom put you in an awkward position in relation to your Dad.  But, some things to consider:  Did you know he was abusing her?  Does he abuse you, physically or emotionally?  Does he still abuse her?  Is she planning on leaving him and wants you to know why? Is your Dad being too familiar with you and she's trying to give you a warning?  Was she trying to start a discussion with you on avoiding abuse?    

At this point,these are questions you need to have answered by your Mom.  Simply say, "Mom, what you told me is very upsetting.  I need to know answers to a lot of questions.  Please help me and tell me why......?"   domestic violence is a serious problem.  If your Mom won't or can't elaborate - talk to a professional counselor or go to the library to get information.  Resources are on-line, just Google domestic violence,  your state and city.  Good luck!

Answer 9

umm i think that you need to idk.......thats a hard place to be put in......

Answer 10

its real hard, but your mom told you to keep it to yourself. I guess she has either come to terms with what happened or she has chosen to put it all away in her head. I think you should tell your mom that you feel like this and ask her what to do. Maybe you could try and ask your father but dont do that without the knowledge of your mother. Good luck.

Answer 11

if you see that ***** again beat the ****** *** hoime

Answer 12

1. First of all, you have to know that none of this is your fault. Kids always think that if they would have seen the signs they could have stopped it. But there was no way for you to see it. Your mother handled it on her own to protect you. A lot of women think they somehow deserve to be abused. It takes them a long time to realise that it sin't their fault. They usually think that they have no where to turn. 35 years ago this was probably true, but now there are all kinds of things they can do.

The only thing you can do now is to be there for your mom. She told you out of confidence, if you break that confidence she may not tell you when she needs help again.  If she needs to get away from him, take her to live with you or help her find somewhere else to go.

2. & 3.Your dad is sadistic. If he did it once, he'll do it again. He might still be hitting her. You need to make sure she knows that she can count on you. Don't let her down. It is her wish that you not say anything. If he does it again, have him put in jail and make your mother prosecute him. She will need your strength to stand up to him.

4. Breaking the silence is one of the first steps to getting over something like this. 35 years is a long time to keep this quiet and it must have been very difficult for her. Suggest that she see a counselor to help her understand that it isn't her fault.

Here are some links.

http://www.abusedadultresourcecenter.com...

http://www.violetnet.org/info/genj-7.htm

http://www.womenslaw.org/

http://www.lfcc.on.ca/mothers.html

I hope this helps. It's so sad to know that the person who protected you went through something this horrible and had no one to turn to. I've been there myself, and like your mother, never told anyone until recently.  Mother's will do anything to protect their children. Even when they suffer for it.

I'll keep you and your mother in my prayers.