I just got remarried. What is the best way to forge a close relationship between my 6 year old daughter and?

Question

her new step father?

Answer 1

don't force it on her.

as long as he's a good man, it will come naturally.

just don't let her disrespect him in any way.

Answer 2

Best thing to do is not to force it on her. Als try to plan little subtle family trips or day trips just so that she can get to know him a little better.

Answer 3

just try to let it happen...

there is nothing you can do to FORCE her to accept him...

kids are shrewd judges of character... if she doesn't like him, she won't accept him...

Answer 4

she is still young and there is always possibility that she will like him if you don't force either of them to like eachother plus you should know that she will care alot about how he treat her and treat you.

Answer 5

I remarried 6 years ago my kids were 15 and 13 I dated my husband for a year before we decided to get married and my kids got to know him then, you can't create a close relationship with your new husband that is just some thing that will come with time hopfully, it's hard for kids to accept a new parent in there life, I was luckey they love my new husband but we have some times that are hard not so much any more but at the begining adjusting is hard. What my husband and I decided was that I would handle the disapline I dont know if you watch Dr. Phill but he has a lot of good sugestions when it comes to step partening, one of which leave the disapline to the biological parent, not stay out completely but the parent should be the one doing the raising and disapline for the kids our spouses are out siders and that workes for us, my husband would tell them what he didnt like, but for the most part I was always the bad guy and did the disapline, that way they had no reason to be mad at him, and I think it helped them get to know him better and love him, my daughter now is going to be 22 she was married last year and wanted her step dad to give her away and dance the father daughter dance instead of her real father becasue my new husband is always there for her and she is so shy with telling her feelings but on her wedding day wrote the most beautiful letter to him that was just so heart felt it was so amazing how much she loves him and told him that her father was her father but that my new husband was her dad that it takes more then making a kid to be a dad and that he is her dad. And my son he loves him too, he also is a little closer to his real father but he has some problems but my new husband is the one  that he too comes to for every thing its really nice how much they have bonded with my new husband and him with my kids I think I am blessed every day with how well they all get along, and like I said I think it was that I always was the parents even thought they had a step dad I stayed in control of the raising of them and he was there if needed but let me do it and kept his opinions to him self and that seemed to work well for us, the kids could go to him when I was the meanie and not be mad at him for telling them what to do and I think it created a closeness between them that he wasnt trying to step into being there father and taking over just let you daughter do her own thing they may be close and it might not happen if her dad is in her life and involved it may be harder for her to become close to your new husband and you dont want to try and forge a close relationship between them just let it happen if its meant to it will and if not that is ok as long as they respect each other it's not easy for the child or for your husband and as mothers we want our kids to love our new husband as much as we do but some times it just dosnt happen that way but when it dose it's wonderful good luck and just let it be

Answer 6

they dont already have a relationship before you got married?

lots of fmaily time, day trips, time together.

Make sure he is involved in her activities like school activities, sports, tucking her in at night.

Answer 7

She's young... she will be much easier to bond with than a tweenager or teenager.  

Just being there for her, doing things together with her (I remember things my parents DID with me more than things they BOUGHT for me), and leading by example will go a long way.

While I can agree with most of what Mary said (above), as a new stepmom to a 10-yr old boy, I would have to disagree with the discipline portion.  It's not fair for only one parent to be the enforcer in a family.  Good cop/bad cop will only go so far... and kids catch on quick.  But we all knew that, right?  ;o)

An example is the dreaded haircut.  When I first started dating his father (and my now husband), young Trey refused to get his hair cut.  His Mom did not want to deal with the drama, so she put it off to his Father.  

The big day comes and Trey and Father are going to get a haircut.  Mind you, he's 9 at this point... not 5.  He throws a crying fit in front of the store.  Crying, thrashing, embarrassing fit.  I was so stunned that I excused myself and went to a nearby fast food outlet to get a drink while they "...worked it out...".

They didn't work it out.  The child had his way.  He went to school looking like he had a dirty, disheveled mop on his head.

Fast forward to Christmas, visiting his grandparents, his Mom again asks the Ex, Trey's Dad, to get him a haircut while on vacation with us.  Fit again, but I am now engaged to his Father... so I just look at him and say we're not going to argue about it, he's getting a haircut at noon.

He pouts, and mopes, and tries to make the day miserable.  His Dad is really uncomfortable, but I'm leaving it to him... and he's trying to be the loving, understanding guy... but again, Trey has a fit.  To compromise, Jerry (my hubby) says he can have whatever haircut he wants.

I'm shopping, and when I meet them in the designated spot, it's obvious that Trey is messing with us.  He has gotten a mullet.  You know... business in the front, party in the back.  Looked horrible.  But his Father said he could have it, so we let him go to school that way.  He got teased, his Mom (the EX) chided Jerry for his choice in haircuts, and another lesson learned.

The NEXT time he needed a haircut, Jerry was again tasked with it.  He was dreading the impending drama with this seemingly simple task that really seemed to bother his son Trey.  I stepped in and asked if I could handle it, and if Jerry would back up whatever decision I made.  He agreed, and we picked up Trey for our visitation weekend.

I told Trey that his Mom had asked us (again, mind you... she doesn't want to be the bad guy) to get his hair cut, and that we were going to do it on Saturday morning.  He, as usual, threw a fit.  I shook my head and said we weren't arguing about it, it was just something that needed to get done.  He could have a short cut or a crew cut like his Father, but that's what we were getting.

He started to whine, and cry, and his Father backed me up.  We said you're 10, you shouldn't be crying over a hair cut... what are you afraid of?  He just wanted to keep it long, he said... and we said that it wasn't acceptable.  He had fun doing what he wanted with his hair all summer, but it was school time now, and he had to get it done one of two ways.

He moped.  He was surly.  He made little under-breath comments in the back seat.  We were firm, not mean, saying that he was going to get it done, and that was that.  When he was living on his own, be it at 18 or 21, he could do with his hair as he liked... but till then, he was going to follow what his parents and I wanted for his hygiene.  Sort of like brushing your teeth... we know you don't like to do it, but you need to do it, for your hygiene.

Again, I went to run shopping errands while they got his hair done.  Trying to let him do the right thing, Jerry let Trey go to the chair by himself.  Trey, being 10, told the stylist what he wanted - short on top, long in back (mullet, again), and the stylist at the hair cuttery did what the client wanted.

Luckily I met them near the salon.  Jerry was fuming, and Trey was grinning like the Cheshire cat because he got his way.  I shook my head, said this behavior was unacceptable, and we walked back to the salon.  Trey couldn't believe it!  He was tugging on my sleeve - c'mon, it's good, I look good, just this once...

I explained that the child had asked for the wrong style, and offered to tip the stylist if she would finish the cut.  With the shaver, it took all of 60-seconds, and poof - he looked like his dad.  A crew cut, not too short, not too long, that is easy for a boy to manage.

He was pouting, but as we left the salon, the cashier smiled and said "Wow, I really like your new haircut - you look very handsome!"  He paused, smiled, and said "yeah, I look like my Dad!"

The Ex, to this day, doesn't understand how we got him to get a haircut.  She actually got his last one done, and text messaged her ex-hubby to let him know that SHE got him to get a haircut by telling him "I'm the adult, you're the child, this is what we're doing..."  and it was done.  Like it was a magic trick or something.

While being the discipline figure isn't easy, it is appreciated.  This is only one example... there are others.  Like Trey throwing a fit because we wouldn't let him get a salad-bar option with his meal.  He doesn't like the salad, he wanted to eat cheese and croutons.  Or making him go to bed, or shower, or brush his teeth, or eat a healthy meal before even thinking of a dessert or a treat as an option.

The strangest thing is that he follows the example that you set.  When we are eating low-carb, we don't put that restriction on his eating... we plan for him to have rice and potatoes and other foods that we aren’t' eating.  But he will want and try to emulate us... particularly his Dad.  He says it alot - I want to be just like my Dad.

It's cute, I know.  But it's funny how children need attention and crave it as well as discipline.  Being punished is, after all, another form of attention.

I know, I got a little off topic.  I would, in closing, recommend SPENDING TIME DOING THINGS like the zoo, walks, playing, etc, with your daughter and her step-father.  But do include discipline.  It's needed, and it's craved... subconsciously or not.  

In the end, they will appreciate it, and you... as we all care for children at some point or the other.  We get it in the end, don't we  ;o)

Good luck!!!