I just need a bit of help please

Question

Ok please this is for serious answers only. I am having a very hard time getting over what happened to me. I have done therapy, talking blah blah blah.

None of them can understand that I didn’t get to give myself to someone; that is what eats me up. I wanted to give myself to a great guy. Now that I do have a great guy I feel really guilty that I didn’t come as a virgin because of my past.

I hate that this controls me, I don’t want to say that because I was raped I am not a human. But that is how I feel. I know my boyfriend loves me, but I am always very scared. I don’t want to look like an idiot, is there anything I can do to control the fear? Is there anything I can do to pick myself up again. I don’t want to scare anyone or make anyone feel bad. I just don’t know how to make myself feel better sometimes.

I control myself all day long, but this hurts me so much and no-one close to me knows about how I feel after the case because I don’t want them to know I am weak. I just want to wake up and be ok and I don’t know how to. Can someone please help, with any experience.

Answer 1

I can only imagine what you are going through, I don't think anyone who loves or cares for you could ever think you're weak for needing a little support to get past this.  Don't close yourself off from those that love you.

Answer 2

you should talk to the guy,, if he is the great guy that u say that he is then he will totally understand. it wasnt your fault,, if u think about it then u kind of are a virgin,, i mean not physically, but mentally because you will be voluntarily giving yourself to this guy,, the first guy that you have ever been with and are in love with and, in that sense, you are still losing your vieginity to him,,know what i mean?? being with a guy for the first time is about more thatn just being physical,, the physical part is the easiest,,, the hard part is being that volnerable,, know what i mean?

when i lost mine, i was soo nervous because i was in love with the guy and he was my first but i wasnt his, so i was scared that i would get really close and get hurt and thought that if i lost it to someone else tat it would make things easier if we broke up,, stupid i know buti was young, anyway, i tried to sleep with a friend first (to lose it) but it was akward and didnt happen,, at any rate, it wouldnt have mattered because i stil would have thought of my boyfrined as my first and you should too.. you cant control what other people do, but u can control what you do and how u perceive things,, understand?

i am not saying forget what happened to you, but u cant let it run your life. my sons father hung himself in my basement because i was breaking up woth him and seeing someone else.. it hants me every single day!!! if i thought about it then it would ruin my life,, i had to learn to push it to the back of my mind, and u have to do the same thing, you have to,  its survival.

Answer 3

Hi. I don't have a whole lot of advice because.....well this has never happened to me. But I can tell you this......the minute you stop worrying about "looking weak"......is the minute that you will feel a 150 pound weight lifted from your chest.

that is the key here, me thinks. once you concede that it's o.k. to "look weak", then you will be much better off. I put look weak in quotation marks because you know as well as I know that you are not looking weak by admitting your feelings and emotions.

so take a deep breath, relax, and take C. Doggies advice as well. I agree a medical doctor needs to be involved with your emotional care.

Answer 4

Stay strong, and remember, if your boyfriend ever finds the douche bag who did it, he will probably do something worse than prison to him.

Answer 5

You shouldn't feel guilty about this; it wasn't your fault at all. Your boyfriend will understand that and help you get through it. Individual or couples' counseling is probably your best option.

Answer 6

What happened to you is horrible and your struggle to overcome will be rewarded. With time, all those bad feelings will go away.

However, I cant believe I am about to say this... But you should learn from the notoriously promiscuous feminists, as in s*x and the City, who sleep around with hundreds of men and feel happy. You shouldnt go to that extreme but at least get over not being a virgin without any guilt.

Answer 7

Singles and dating?

oh my bad.. I just read the rest of your question. Sorry I feel like an a$$hole now..  

He should love you for who you are and not feel any less than that based on what someone did to you.. if he's a real man he'll take you in his arms and tell you that. man I sound corny, i've been drinking tho..

Tell him how you feel

Answer 8

Your still a virgin darling.....virginity is more then just the physical act, the heart and soul of sharing everything you possibly can with a guy you care for.  You can still give your heart and soul to your boyfriend, it can still be special.  Physically neither of you will be able to tell a difference, hymens break all the time without what happened.  Think that it's important for you to think of it this way, s*x and rape are not the same thing.  In some ways you giving yourself to your BF after this, means you care and trust him even more...then if nothing had happened.    

Rape isnt s*x, it isnt about s*x, it's about the rapist trying to control and dominate you...and your letting him continue to do so.  Dont let him!

Answer 9

A support group sounds like it might help.

If you are in college try going to your local Women's Center to find such a group

Just don't let anyone try to turn this negative experience into a reason to hate all men

Answer 10

You are still a virgin.. the hymen is a bit of skin and since rape is not an act of love the giving of yourself to your love will be your first.

You are not weak. I know you feel that way, and in the most intimate sense of the word. weak in your emotions and like a target. The truth is rape survivors are strong people.

Your loved ones don't think you are weird, they think you are fragile and they would be right.

they don't know how to be the support you need unless they have had similar experiences so they just watch and feel helpless. That is probably the vibe you are feeling from them.

You did/do need to tell, exposing a negative emotion or fear does help it lose its strenght. It takes a while to feel that "new" strenght you get from not letting fear keep you silent.

I hope for you that you find or are in a good support group. You do need the support of other women that have been through that. Use all the resources available to you to get your personal power back.

What the rapist did is take your power, that is what rape is...  stealing someones power on purpose... rapist are mentally ill people that feel powerless and it is not about s*x at all.

It is about power, humilation and control.

You won't ever forget, but you can find people "proffesional" and otherwise that can help you take your power back.

As you start feeling stronger the people you have shared with will stop looking at you with that worried look and treating you like glass.

One of the ugly things about rape is that it hurts the people around us as well because they love us. They often feel they should have been able to protect us somehow even if that feeling is irrational and there was no way they could have prevented it.

If you ever want to talk further email me here and I will give you my IM info.

Answer 11

OK, let me ask you ... what would you say if someone came to you and told this story, and said they were weak and bad and should be punished?

For just one day, try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to another person.

Forgive yourself and treat yourself kindly. You made a mistake, let your guard down, weren't powerful enough to stop what happened.

You're human. Forgive your failure to keep yourself safe, recognise how strong you are to have come this far, and try to let it go.

Honestly, crying is the best therapy of all. Lock the door and cry until there's a great big hole where the pain was.

Then fill that hole up with all the good things your future can hold.

There's no forgetting, but this one thing doesn't have to be your whole life.

Best wishes to you :-)

Answer 12

Here's a very serious answer to a very serious question.  I'm not sure who you are seeing for therapy, I certainly hope that a Psychiatrist (a physician) is involved in the treatment.

This sense that you are somehow "tampered with" is a tragic but classic post assault sequela, so I strongly urge you to formally discuss this matter with a physician rather than seek advice from such a forum.

This is the kind of matter that deserves very serious attention, and with all due respect to social workers and the like, it's really something so profound that it's really something that will take time and that you'll need patience with, but I certainly hope that you have a Psychiatrist involved in the care.

There's no reason for you to "feel guilty" after being a victim of a heinous crime, but this is an extremely common presentation after something this tragic.  I can only wish you the best because it's really gonna take time to get back on your feet.  Without discussing this in a proper setting with a formally credentialed expert, it's not ideal.

Support groups and that sort of thing are helpful, indeed, but in the absence of adequate medical involvement in the management of this, I'm of the opinion that it's not in your best interest.

My best wishes, and I trust that you'll do well in time.

Answer 13

I think you need to find a support group of people who understand where you are coming from.  No one knows or can understand you unless they have been raped or sexually assaulted...even if they have 20 years and a PHD.

I cannot help you, but I can tell you that loving and caring for someone and giving love and care in s*x (making love), is much different and worth more than virginity.

Best wishes

Answer 14

Eleanor,  I am so sad for you, I want to cry.  You are not weird or guilty.  You are strong, strong enough to post this and ask for help.  Maybe you are going thru Post Traumatic Stress syndrome... I wish your parents could be there for you.  

YOU ARE NOT weird!  You are a human being with feelings.  Please I hope some here like Molly & other ladies embrace you and help you thru this.  I will be praying for you.