I just need to ask about the anger I see on this forum, it's confusing?

Question

The anger comes from adoptees. Are you angry because you were given up for adoption, because you weren't aborted? because you feel as if your adoptive parents were'nt worthy to raise you? because your birthmother/parents were'nt thinking of you? because you didn't get something that you thought you needed? because your birthmother, you feel was too "weak minded" to struggle to raise you if she had no support? because maybe she was struggling with issues that made it unsafe for you at that time in her life?

I don't understand, so help me... Thanks.

Answer 1

My belief is that many of us adoptees have some anger over being relinquished in the first place.

I honestly have no problem being adopted but it hurts to realize that the one person who was supposed to value me and care for me didn't.  She had her reasons and she has actually apologized for relinquishing me. Not that this is something I asked for but it is something she has done. I am working hard to resolve the anger issues I have about being relinquished.

And I do not let my feelings of abandonment or anger dictate who I am as a person.  At least I try not to.

I think that for many of us it is also the not knowing.  Not knowing why our firstmothers and fathers didn't keep us.  My adoptive parents were told it was because she was going to college.  And while my head understood her reasons, my heart hurt knowing that my firstmother relinquished her rights forever and placed me in a closed adoption so that she could go to school.  

It turns out the school thing was a lie.  My firstmother did not go to college until after I did.  It was just something the agency told my aparents.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that in the future, if your child DOES have sadness an issues about being relinquished, the best thing you can do is to be honest and supportive with him and try not to make his feelings of loss about you.

There are losses and gains in adoption and relinquishment and only the adoptee should be able to dictate how they feel about these things. Without judgement. Your support can go a long way.

Answer 2

As the Aunt of an adoptee........ hehehehe..... sounds like a disease..............  I see no issues with my nephew, not like I see in this forum, where the person who was adopted is soooooo angry at the people who adopted them and the one who gave them away.............. I guess it's because  there are deeper issues with some of the ones in this forum, and instead of taking responsibility for their own actions, it's all let's blame our parent's or our birth parents.... someone has to be to blame besides me and my screwed up life......... I am not really sure, but I do know that there  is always more to the story than what we get here or anywhere.......... And so, instead of telling all the story, the adoptee blames his/her bad life on the parents and not the decisions they made.........

Answer 3

It takes an exceptionally mature person to get over the emotional issues that stems from that sort of abandonment.  The individual may know intelectually that their mother probably had an excellent reason for giving them up.  But knowing something almost never has an impact on how you feel about an issue.  That's just a fact of human psychology.  Add in the fact that mother/child may be the most fundamental relationship in all of nature, and it's frankly amazing that children of adoption end up well adjusted as often as they do.

Answer 4

First, there is anger coming from a few adoptive parents as well - so please do not put it all on adoptees.  

I am an adoptee, and the only thing that makes me angry is willful ignorance - especially when it is married to angry denial.

99% of the time, I am not angry.  I had awful, abusive adoptive parents but you will not see any anger coming from me about it, even though I have talked about it here.  Mostly, I pitied them.  They were clueless.

I abhor the way society functioned when I was born that caused me to be taken from my mother, but that was the was it was back then.  I don't, however, care for anyone trying to tell me that she made a "choice" or a "decision," because she did neither.

I abhor the willful ignorance of the adoption industry who told adoptive parents that raising an adopted child was the same as raising a biological child.  If my adoptive parents had been told otherwise, the abuse I experienced would have been far less.

I abhor the adoption industry's priorities, even today, which leave psychological health off the list as a requirement for adopting - and put money and religious preferences at the top.  I abhor that the mental health of the adopted child is considered irrelevant, even cast aside, by these so-called experts.

With regard to my mother - she did think of me - almost every day for 44 years before we reunited - so, that is not an issue with me.  And, though her parents forced the adoption, the reason goes back to the screwed-up societal values of the time.  It was my grandparents' concept of shame they rejected - not me personally.

I think you would be hard-pressed to find any anger in my answers, no matter how far back you go, though I cannot tell you if I am included in the "anti-adoption group" (they who shall not be named?).

My primary concern is the psychological/emotional/physical health of children today - whether they are adopted or remain with their families of origin.  I focus on prenatal and perinatal psychology and brain development (of which an integral part is the mother or other primary caregiver).

HOWEVER, anger is a natural and normal part of the grieving process.  Various events such as having one's own children or reunion with one's natural parents can awaken unresolved grief if (like most of us) it was subconsciously repressed until such an event.

Delayed grief reactions can be a great deal more forceful and painful than normal (timely) grieving, because there will also be anger about having had it repressed for so long.

(Oh, GAK! I wrote a d**n novel again!)

Answer 5

Im an adoptee, I have no anger just a sense of loss. Unfortunately my adoptive mother was cold and unfeeling, That is what I find hard to deal with, she chose me so why not love me? But it does not make me angry just sad. I think that where the anger comes in is when an adoptee has children of their own. In almost all cases there is such a love and need to protect that you question why that was never felt for you. In my case I feel that just helped to make me a better mother, as my now grown kids tell me I am/was. There is so much about "me" that I do not know, but I have nothing to gain or to give by feeling anger. I believe my experiences have denied me being the "real" me, but only the individual can make that a positive or a negative influence in their lives.Anger is a wasted emotion, it turns back on the holder, let it go, we cannot change our history.

Answer 6

actually, i see anger directed at a misguided system.

adoptees - they have no voice on getting their own records. imagine, if you can, not being to able to find out where you come from? your history. one day your son, if you've had an honest, open relationship will come to you and ask you for help. or if you haven't, he'll do it behind your back. either way, this child that you love more than anything, needs to have these answers.... would you want to see him go through all the pain that the others have gone through? i don't think you're that kindof person.

AP's - the enlightened ones, realize how important it is for their children to have any and all information that will make their child feel whole. that should be an option that is there for them. it's up to the adoptee to decide what to do with it. information should never be denied. they are angry that their beloved children are left without the answers they need and want.

first moms - they get lied to and are told that there are able to have "open" adoptions, and then they are kicked to the curb after they have been brainwashed into thinking that their own flesh and blood would be happier raised by other people with "more stuff and 2 parents", then to be with them.... they're own mother. BTW, many AP's divorcee after adoption, and the AP mother is in the same boat as all the other single women with children.

surely you've read all the books on how children are affected by adoption, no matter how great the AP's were? if you haven't now's the time to do it, because your son is at a critical age and you need to be loving, nuturing, and his biggest helper when the time comes. he'll respect you that much more. please keep in mind, that no matter what, deep down inside he feels a sense of rejection.

with reforms to the adoption laws, that wouldn't be the case. he'll know who he is, where he comes from, and the names of his first family. no secrets. he'll have love from a community of people.

hopefully, in years to come, there will be less and less situations with moms giving up their children to the highest bidder. we neeed to help these women through their pregnancies and make sure they don't have to lose their child just because they were temporarily without financial, emotional, or family support.

best wishes

Answer 7

My parents sucked utterly. I wish I HAD been adopted, so quit whining.

Answer 8

It sounds like you're the angry one, or maybe you're just more scared.  The things you said are, in my opinion, very offensive to be saying to adoptees.  I sincerely hope this isn't how you respond to your son's questions about his birth parents, or his possible future feeling of loss and abandonment.  

The only thing I've read here from adoptees is more frustration as opposed to anger.  The frustration is that no one seems to want to hear about or believe that some adoptees have feelings of loss, grief, feeling abandoned, isolated, and unwanted, DESPITE the fact they were raised in a good home by loving adoptive parents.  

Think about it.  Someone you love is taken out of your life completely.  Would losing that person be any less painful even though you have new people loving you?  Do you think a baby/child shouldn't feel any grief or loss? Even if it was in his or her best interest, a baby or child cannot understand that.  They cannot logically process or verbalize their feelings about that loss.  That's why the processing usually happens after the adoptee has reached adulthood.  

It sounds to me like you're terrified this may happen to your son.  The truth is, it might.  He will have the feelings he has, and you would do best not to judge them, or feel inadequate, or make him feel that he has to 'just get over it'.  He will have to process his feelings about being adopted and you can either support him through it or make it worse by denying it.  

Your choice, you're the adult.

Answer 9

i believe it is confusion of not knowing why the parent gave a child away and not knowing who u are

Answer 10

I agree that there is a lot of anger on this forum at times. At first, I was taken aback - I assumed it would be a forum with straightforward questions and answers about the various issues involved with adoption (how to avoid adoption scams, how families go about reuniting, etc.) Although being somewhat unfamiliar with adoption I was originally surprised by the emotionally charged atmosphere, I have come to appreciate hearing the various perspectives of people on this forum: adoptees, prospective adoptive parents, birth/first parents, and adoptive parents.

It seems like adoption should be beautifully simple, with everyone left in a better situation, and every child left feeling only loved, never abandoned. I guess what I've realized by reading these forums is that there are many ways this seemingly simple "equation" can be complicated.

Although the tone of your question seemed a bit defensive the first time I read it, I can tell that you are concerned for your son, and want to do the best to protect him from having these feelings. I have seen several people in this forum who speak very lovingly about their adoptive parents (Healing Adoptee being one that comes to mind). Perhaps one of these people could help you understand how to best support your son if you fear that he feels anger or resentment at being put up for adoption.

Answer 11

have you read "journey of the adopted self" by betty jean lifton?

or primal wound by nancy verrier?

am I angry that I was given up for adoption? not angry anymore, hurt? yes. feel abaondoned? yes. feel rejected? yes.

because I wasn't aborted? thats a tough one... i used to wish I had been aborted. I was essentially aborted from my entire identity, life, family etc. just had to go on living.

my adoptive parents were worthy of raising me. They did a good job. They are great parents, and I love them.

my first mother WAS thinking of me, and still does every day. She thought she was doing the right thing, she fell for adoption propoganda  hook, line and sinker. 2 parent family, money, house...

because I didn't get something I thought I needed? I needed my mother. theres no mistake in that line of thinking. Shes all I needed. I didnt need 2 parents, alot of money, a big house and a horse or two. Money can't replace a mother.

my mother wasn't too weak minded, and nor was she stuggling with issues that were unsafe for me at that time in her life. She was healthy, strong, educated, and wonderful, she happened to be young and poor and now her and I both suffer because of her poverty at that time. We lost eachother, why is that so hard to understand? Who would't be angry at losing their mother? Who wouldn't be angry that SOCIETY expects adoptees to be grateful for their adoptions? instead of acknowledging the tremendous loss involved in it?

Not to mention, i'm also pretty frustrated about having my records sealed. About my amom and adad changing my name with no consideration to my first identity. I'm frustrated that i'm not seen as a legal adult in the state of california, and that 44 other states in the united states treat adult adoptees like children too. I"m angry that money was exchanged for my delivery to my adoptive home. I'm angry that the state never encouraged my mother to parent me, nor did they offer her resources for her to do so.

I'm angry that my dad was a wimp and denied I was even his so I sat in foster care for 6 months while the courts tracked him down just to terminate his rights.

I'm not grateful for any of this, and I don't have to be. And I'm tired of people telling me to be grateful for it when they find out i'm adopted and not worshipping the adoption gods because I wasn't aborted. I was aborted, only my life didn't end. It was altered dramatically with little recognition to my feelings from anyone.

Not to mention the complete discrimination given to me by the state. I can't get my records. If i want to join the registry, i have to pay over $500 that I don't have. If I want to hire a private eye, its in the $1000's. If i want to get my birth certificate, my REAL one, i'm denied and told its for my protection ( which is a violation of my civil rights ) and i'm not in the witness protection program btw. I know my first parents, neither of them are threats to me. Its a violation for my records to be sealed, and i'll never stop being angry about that until they're permanently unsealed.

so yes, i'm a little angry about that. I prefer the term angrate, for angry and ungrateful, but i'll take angry if thats what you'd like to label me. I'm cool with being labeled angry. In my opinion adoptees have every right to be angry.

Answer 12

That's just it...  you see anger.  I see pain and loss.  The anger I see on this forum has little to do with adoption itself.  I see anger from a few people, including one adoptive parent, for imagined slights.  But the anger from adoptees is from being ignored and marginalized.  From being told our feelings don't matter.  

Is there anger about adoption?  There can be.  But for me, that isn't now, nor has it ever been, a primary emotion about adoption.  I won't say I've never been angry about it.  It's a loss.  I was angry at a friend's death in college, too.  Not at someone, mind you.  But at the universe, for being tragic.  For allowing these things to happen to people.  But anger in that case, as in the case of adoption, is born from grief.  

For me, there is a profound sense of loss and of alienation.  Of not knowing who I am or where I came from.  Of not fitting in.  And of having to bury all of those feelings because to express them was to be ungrateful.  

Adoption is born from a loss that society does not recognize.  That the adoptee is taught from the beginning is not real.  The first mother doesn't matter, we are told, because we have these lovely people to take care of us.  But at age four days, the last time I saw my first mother, I couldn't possibly have understood that.  I understood, in an instinctual way, that my caretaker was gone.  And for a month, I disappeared into foster care.  Then I was placed with my adoptive parents.  Who loved me and took care of me.  But who weren't my first mother.  She was gone.  And I was too young to understand, but not to feel the loss.

And that loss was never really acknowledged.  Everyone told me I was lucky, and I was chosen.  That means that any negative feelings I might have had surrounding these tragic events were "bad" feelings.  They had to be suppressed, ignored, denied.  To do anything else would be a betrayal to my parents.  It would mean I was a bad person.  

Here I am, a child, with a pain deep inside, that I cannot express because to do so means I'm a bad person.  And this becomes internalized.  I love my adoptive parents.  I do.  But that wasn't enough for this pain to go away.  For this disconnect with them to disappear.  

Now, as an adult, I have enough security in my life, in my relationships with my aparents, my friends, to admit the pain.  And when I do, I am called "ungrateful," or "anti-adoption," or "angry," or, by some, a "n**i."

The adoption didn't make me angry person (though I understand why some people are angry about their adoption).  But my treatment by a small, but vocal, minority on this site is enough to drive anyone mad.

Added:  See, I already have one thumbs down.  I shared my story.  I didn't insult anyone.  I related either facts, or my own emotional experience.  Why does that get a thumbs down?  Is there any question why this is maddening?

Answer 13

Are you angry because you were given up for adoption, because you weren't aborted?-- No, I'm not angry because I was given up for adoption. I have a very good life with my adoptive parents. I'm also happy that i wasn't aborted. I mean i feel i have a lot to offer the world. because you feel as if your adoptive parents were'nt worthy to raise you?---My adoptive parents are more than worthy. I can't think of any other people that I admire the most. because your birthmother/parents were'nt thinking of you?----Yes, for a time i was angry because I thought my birth mother gave me up because she didn't love me. because you didn't get something that you thought you needed?---I got everything I needed when my parents adopted me. I got two wonderful people that loved me and encouraged me. because your birthmother, you feel was too "weak minded" to struggle to raise you if she had no support? ---I was angry at my birth mother because I thought she rejected me as an individual. I thought I was so ugly that my birth mother gave me up. Now i know i was pretty stupid for being this angry or thinking that way. because maybe she was struggling with issues that made it unsafe for you at that time in her life?---Yes, I was definitely angry with her over that. She chose her drugs and men over me. I felt hurt. She also exposed my younger siblings to that lifestyle. So that one of them is in jail and the other has given up two kids to adoption and doing God knows what now.  I'm starting to come to terms with this angry.

But I do not direct my angry at you or my adoptive parents. I'm more or less upset with myself for wasting time being angry. When I could of been out there enjoying life. If you feel that any of my posts are angry or directed at you. I do apoligize.

Thanks,

bizzymom,

Please do not insult the feelings that some adoptees feel. Adoption is a very charged subject. I have mixed feelings about it. Just because some adoptees go thru life fine, there are some that struggle with it. Now I do agree with you that there does come a point in life that you can't blame adoption for your troubles and that you needt o take charge of your choices. But in most cases people that are adopted live sucessful lives and still have mixed feelings about it.

Answer 14

no, anger's just fun :)

Answer 15

I am going to try and answer this without coming off like a huge b***h.

Playing the abortion card is so wrong on so many levels. Not once did my Mom consider aborting. It was a question of adoption or parenting. END STORY. This is most often how it goes. Women who don't want to be pregnant don't stay pregnant. Women risk illegal abortions and die for the risk. The choice to end a pregnancy is just that, the choice to END the pregnancy. Not the choice of adoption or parenting.

Most adoptive parents are loved dearly by their adopted children. Being angry about adoption is about the losses we have endured. Our adoptive parents kissed the boo-boos and helped with the spelling tests. They taught us how to ride our bikes and how to drive. They banished the monster under the bed and held us when the cute boy/girl didn't invite us to the dance. They cheered as we received our diplomas and cried as we walked down the aisle. They are our parents and we love them very much. We also have emotions surrounding the family we were born to.. They each have places in our hearts and yes sometimes we feel anger to both sides. What person hasn't felt anger toward a parent at some point. Adoptees are human.

Often we weren't given what we needed. The right to feel pain over our losses. The counseling and therapy to talk it out and find peace over the loss. The understanding and compassion of those around us who insist we always be happy that we "found" a home or weren't aborted. Ignorant comments that have little truth to them.

Find me a natural Mom who was WEAK! Impossible, they do not exist. You have no clue how painful and difficult it can be to trust your child to someone else. Remember the first time you left yours with a sitter? Or the first day of school? Imagine you left your little one at the sitter's or at school and were never allowed to return for them. Tell me it is weak to choose adoption again ok? It is brave, courageous, painful and heart wrenching. But it is never done out of being weak minded. It is done after soul searching and inner turmoil. Nobody who goes through with it can ever be considered weak minded. Women who choose to parent aren't the only strong ones. Every Mother is strong and beautiful no matter what brought her to Motherhood.

Many women place after buying into the lines like; "you will forget", "if you love your child you will give him/her two parents", "it would be selfish to deny your child the best life has to offer" and "stop thinking about yourself and think of your child". Very few children are placed because being with their natural family is unsafe. I certainly would have been safe. My sister is only 18 months younger than I am and she is an amazing woman. Raised by my natural Mom, alone.

Answer 16

I  get angry when I read stupid questions like "are you angry because you weren't aborted." Sheesh.

Answer 17

No, I am not angry.  I thank God daily that I have such loving, wonderful parents.

To me your parents are the ones that raised and nurtured you.  Any one can "make" a baby.  Takes a lot more to be a Mom and Dad.

Answer 18

i feel greatful to be adopted!!

i was four when mum and dad told my brother and i that we were adopted, we were special and they got to pick us specially, as we grew we were always told that we had there support if we chose to search.

as girl i was nosey to see where i came from, unlike my brother who has no wish to.

My nan and siblings are sweet and have accepte me tottalym my birth mother finds it hard to communicate unless she ha a few wines to relax her, i guess she is worried what i mignt ask. I am greatful that i am adopted and i have never felat any resentment.

LOVE BEING ADOPTED!!!!

Answer 19

It's hard to speak for someone who has been adopted or who was given away. There are a lot of reasons for someone like that to be angry or hurt. But at the same time there are a lot of reasons for them to be thankful and appreciative of what they do have.