I just want some advice concerning my husband's addiction to pornography.?

Question

I started noticing little differences in the way he touched me. Bouts in bed became les frequent and more chore-like. Then, I got a tubal ligation. (He didn't go with me.) When I got home that night, I was typing in a website and I noticed a p**n site came up. My husband watched 36 porno movies the day of mu surgery and one page was a LIVE site. I asked him very calmly about it, but he said that the live site just popped up. I, perhaps stupidly, believed him. This happened 2 months ago. SInce then, I have been working nights. The kids go to my parents until I get done so my husband is home alone. I found out that he watches p**n EVERY night he is alone. It's not just one or 2 sites or just 1 or 2 videos. No, it's usually about 25 and the stuff he searches for! I would never have thought it possible! (No kiddie stuff, thankfully.) Well, I finally told him that I was worried about the health of our marriage. You see, I found out that he had watched p**n, but I didn't say anything at first. Later after I expressed my desire to "have some fun," he pushed me away and said "no". Now last night, I got home, checked the history and here, he had tried to hide the fact that he had searched stuff again! He said he didn't want me to freak out! Additionally, he watched a pornographic DVD that we specifically bought to watch together. I like p**n just as much as the next person, but I like watching it WITH my husband, not by myself.

He told me he didn't care about what I had to say or how I felt and to f-off. The saddest part of this whole thing is that our 1st anniversary is coming up in a few days.

Do I just allow him to continue choosing p**n and his hand over his flesh-and-blood wife? Do I go to the extreme and leave him? Is there any middle ground?

Answer 1

That is your problem right there Allie, you opened Pandora's Box.

You allowed that c**p (p**n) into your marriage. -It is unhealthy.

Now, you can't get the man to quit.

The Bible tells us that p**n leads to lust, while lust leads to adultery. And we both know that adultery is a sin.

-Matthew 5:28

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

-Romans 1:26

Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.

-Romans 1:27

In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

-Ephesians 4:19

Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

-Colossians 3:5

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

-1 Peter 4:3

For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry.

Answer 2

All guys watch p**n, harping on it will just push him away.  If he isn't spending the family budget on it and just watching free stuff on the internet, don't worry about it.  If he becomes a huge pain in the *** call me :)

Answer 3

i think he may be a s*x addict...yes its a disorder!he needs counselling as this is not healthy and certainly does nothing for ur confidence.i personally would be putting a ban 2 this behaviour as this is destroying ur marriage.give him an ultimatium,stop looking at p**n or get counselling or ur outta there.ughhh p**n is so discusting

Answer 4

i agree with Elizabeth C.  i'd like to add my own personal experience:  while i am not addicted to p**n, for a loooong time i couldn't be satisfied if i wasn't watching p**n.  i felt disgusted.  i do enjoy p**n, but the problem was that i wasn't enjoying my husband...at times i'd even think about previously viewed p**n scenes during intimacy just to be satisfied.  it was a terrible feeling because if i didn't do that, i wouldn't "finish" and my husband felt like it was his fault.

then, i decided to make my own p**n.  we didn't tape it or anything, but i got some s**y leather-like outfit and some really high, high heels and sort of performed for him.  that night i showed him what it was about the p**n i liked.  and you know what?  i found not only did he like it, but he felt so much more comfortable doing the things he wanted to do with me in bed.  it turned out, after six years of marriage and a total ten years of being together, we were embarrassed about the things we liked to do in bed.  i'm not talking about common stuff either - i mean, we found that we liked things we would NEVER talk about with anyone.  

it was really cool.  maybe you could try it? since it's your first anniversary and all...

good luck and cheers to a wonderful future together.

Answer 5

Marriage counseling. This problem is more common than you think. Some times when people get carried away with p**n they cease to function properly in marriage. If he's up for, defiantly give it a shot. If not, consider leaving, and tell him you're considering.  

Answer 6

I did not have to read the whole entire question, but I had a hysterectomy July 1st.

BOTH my husband and my daughter and my mother were there with me before, during and after.

You have sooo many problems, leave him, he is so not worth it!!

He can continue his little "habits" on his own.

You can continue your new life without him!

Answer 7

I had this problem with my ex-husband in our first year of marriage, too. Girl, it didn't get any better and we were divorced by year 2. this kind of addiction so early into the marriage means he has some serious issues that you can change. He obviously doesn't want help. Leave now. You don't have kids. He obviously isn't a responsible hubby, or he would have gone with you to the Doc.  

Answer 8

Wow, most guys like the occasional "alone" time, but I would never EVER turn my wife down.  I like the alone time, but I absolutely love s*x with her... she does it for me much better than I could do for myself.  Sounds like there are some major issues going on with him... and maybe marriage counseling is the best way to go about trying to fix things.  Good luck!

Answer 9

About 95% of the time when women ask questions here about their husbands' "p**n addictions" I have to set them straight about what an addiction really is.  In order to qualify as an addiction, a behavior has to interfere with some form of functioning, whether this is social functioning, ability to work, etc.  Your husband qualifies.  He is actively choosing p**n over his sexual relationship with you, causing your marriage to suffer.  Therefore, you have to treat this like an addiction.  You might have to separate from him for awhile and threaten divorce in order for him to hit rock bottom and realize that he needs help.  And, he will need help, since it is an addiction.  When he reaches the point where he can express a willingness to change, he should begin counseling, or at least begin attending s*x Addicts Anonymous, a 12-step program based on the highly successful AA model.

Answer 10

Just stop fretting about this.

I agree that it is a bummer, especially because you two have only been married for one year, but much of the success depends on your response right now.

Rather get on with your life, at least, within the marriage. At this moment his life is on hold, but sooner or later he will get sick of this addiction, especially when it starts costing him big in connection fees, and on line time.

Here is another plan.

Why not sabotage the computer?

Break something on the inside so that it would need repairs done.

Be clever about it.

Do not smash anything, rather short circuit something.

Sometimes having a break from p**n does wonders, especially when it is because he would not be abel to afford the repairs for a week or two.

In that interim period, watch your DVD together, or even alone while he is in the house. He will soon join you if he has nothing else to look at.

Answer 11

You dont trust him. I let my husband watch p**n. I let him watch things while I am home or at friends. Its ok. Its not like theres another woman. I think he needs an understanding wife who wont nag at him for watching p**n he is curious! Its his house too not just yours!  

Answer 12

There is nothing wrong with p**n. The problem is he is not meeting his duties as a husband. If he cannot enjoy p**n and service you then the p**n should go.

Answer 13

That's some serious situation you've got here. Funny, he's dumb enough not to delete the history and clear the cache. But seriously, that's an addiction and you should either: crash the d**n computer on purpose, or just find another job, where you guys are always together. You don't want your kids to see him "pulling a quicky" when they're home.

Answer 14

your marriage has bigger issues than your husband watching p**n.....there is no trust......

Answer 15

I am sorry  but your husband is addicted to p**n and I would not watch even one video of it with him. Get rid of it now and tell him to get his mind out of that gutter and get help if he needs to because you have had enough of it. Some men know where the fine line ends and begins with a fantasy but he has become obsessed with it to the point that it is interfering with the intimacy he should be sharing with you. He is disrespecting you when he tells you that he doesn't care what you have to say or think about it and when he told you to F-off that's the bottom line and the garbage would be gone or else. He is giving you a bad attitude and defending it to have his way with it and the behavior he is displaying toward you about it is unacceptable. Your husband has a problem and there is no compromising middle ground because his head is not right. For some men p**n can open a pandoras box and trigger more for them than just a fantasy especially if they are viewing it everyday.

Answer 16

I don't think the problem is him being addicted to p**n. The problem is he has no respect for your feelings. If he doesn't care about what you have to say or how you feel it's you have a lot more problems than p**n.  

Answer 17

You'll NEVER be able to find middle ground with this idiot!!!   Your kids go to your parents house while he's home ALONE??? Whats wrong with that statement?? So your parents get stuck watching his and your kids while the loser sits home scanning through p**n??? Are you kidding me?? WOW>>.Wake up sister. Your husbands a ONE WAY JERK. You know it and I know it. You have to decide what your going to do about it. I don't like p**n at all. but if I did I would think that my husband and I would watch it together. If you think he's not doing anything like cheating on you behind your back then THINK AGAIN!!!  I guaranteee he is. You may not like what I'm writting here, but it's obvious your in denial about whats been going on. And YOU'VE allowed it to happen. Now grow a back bone and let him know that if things DON'T change around your household, then he can pack a bag. He's not only not interested in you, but he's not interested in your and his children either if the kids are going to your parents while he's home alone probally with mary palm and her 5 sisters, if you get my drift. I guess thats more important then spending time with HIS kids. Come on face it. You obviously picked a loser here. He's not just addicted to p**n >>>he's addicted to selfishness!!!!!!!!!!    STOP ALLOWING IT!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 18

This sounds unhealthy.  I wouldn't want him babysitting children.  Even if he is not into kiddie stuff, how can he babysit children and give them the attention they need when he's pounding his pudd?

Answer 19

Perhaps confront him as to why the h**l he would prefer stuff like that compared to you. If he doesn't change his ways then you could leave him. If he still loves your personality, then stay with him, but if he doesn't fill all your needs then do what you think is right. I would get up and leave. Yes I would be rash, but if he loved p**n more then me I wouldn't take it. I would not want to be second rate.

Answer 20

Seek professional help, you marriage is far too young to be having hiccups like this

Answer 21

Kids, plural, and it's just your first anniversary?  Maybe this wave of reproduction so early on in a marriage (and before apparently) has turned your husband off to the act of s*x.  However, he still has urges and he is apparently seeking other avenues.  I just think you may have issues that are bigger than porno.  Think about it.  

Answer 22

get over it love. if it was me i would get rid of you you sound to uptight and i am a woman!!

i can undertsnad him not wanting to s*x with you, i wouldnt if you had a problem with me masturbating to p**n. you sound pretty controlling.

Answer 23

He tries to hide it because he doesn't want to deal with (what he believes) will be a huge argument when you find out. But it doesn't seem like he's doing a very good job of hiding it... I mean I watch p**n myself and KNOW how to hide and know when my husband has "hidden" his (the browser is cleared out, ect.).

So maybe he really just doesn't care...

But either way, this is what I would say;

"I don't mind you watching p**n, but I feel like you're choosing the p**n over me. When's the last time we had s*x? When's the last time we cuddled? I don't feel like you find me attractive anymore."

That's the most honest and responsible way to put it. He, as your husband, should respect those feelings. It isn't like you're screaming at him, it isn't like you're nagging and throwing things, you're pouring your heart out.

If he tells you to f-off again, leave the house. Go to your moms or sisters or something, give him a little taste of what it would be like if you left. Sometimes that's all it takes to let your husband know you mean business.

If that doesn't seem to have any effect, then suggest counseling.

If he refuses counseling, then suggest divorce.

It isn't really that huge of an issue, but as a husband he should be able to compromise with you and reach some sort of agreement on something like p**n, especially if you both enjoy watching it.  

Answer 24

when it starts affecting intimacy together, that's a problem...the fact he doesn't care or seem to respect your feelings on the issue, another huge problem.  If I was you, and he is willing, I would try to get help together.  You can't live your life feeling like you are second...it won't work.  Pleasing your partner and showing respect for your partner should always come first, that is what marriage is about...otherwise it will lead to other problems.