I just wrote my husband a letter and left it on computer..he'll see it in morning....should i give it to him?

Question

Read my previous question for a bit of background. Hubby and i have not made love since Jan 07. I have never initiated though, but thats partly because i dont think he wants me physically any more. Have talked to him about it several times, he just gives lots of excuses e.g. thin walls, because he didnt have a job (although he has had one for some time now), and the most recent one was because i was breastfeeding. He has never admitted that it was because of my weight, so i dont know for sure if that is the reason.

We have been together since 04 adn have two kids under 3.

The letter basically says i cant continue like this anymore, we have to do something, whether its a trial separation or counselling or something. I explained that i would rather be alone than in an affectionless relationship

( he kisses me on the way to work and when he comes home from work but thats it - no cuddles or anything even though i have, on occasion gone up to him for a cuddle)

We havent slept in same bed since my son was born and he is now 10 months old.

Please help need advice, should i go get the letter before he wakes? I love him but cant continue without s*x/affection.

Answer 1

Have you gained a lot of weight since you had the kids.  I guess that could be it.  I wouldn't leave him a computer letter because if he won't talk to you about the problem he wont' even acknowledge that he got a letter.  Something is definitely wrong . Do you have a place to go that you can take the kids.  I would tell him that I was leaving , tell him why I was leaving and when he got ready to talk about the problem to give you a call.  If that doesn't work I don't know what to do.  Could he have some kind of medical problem, could he be having an affair who knows but I do know that you deserve better

Answer 2

That isn't a relationship...it doesn't even really sound like a friendship.

Maybe you could start getting in shape for YOU! Make you feel better about yourself. I'm sure if you feel better about yourself you will move on more easily if that is what you want. You have young children so finding the time won't be that easy.

Just let him find it I think. You don't want to put him on the spot. I'm sure it took you a long time to think of what to write...he might need some time to go through things.

Good luck and I hope you get what you want.  

Answer 3

No letter dear you need to talk to him and if is easier read the letter to him, your so right you can't live in a marriage where there is no signs of affections if you are not happy you need to speak up and like you say you either go to counseling or brake up and don't feel that he is not being affectionate because you a bit over weight or because he say you were breast feeding you know men do not care how a woman looks all that is bull c**p they would **** a hole in the wall if they could I would almost be sure that he may be cheating, so don't let him make you feel worthless cheating has nothing to do with looks either, you need to look in to that and investigate.. He is not sleeping with you that you know already now find who he is sleeping with then.. If you think counseling may help then to that just make sure all issues are covered.. Good luck dear.

Answer 4

I have the answer solution add me [e-mail] and we can talk more about it and you need me to talk to.

Answer 5

I really don't want to come accross as a horrible person, but for what you are saying, you might have part of the fault on this.  You say you haven't slept in the same bed since your son was born.  Why is that?  Certainly your son can sleep on his own bed, I know my sister did (there is 10 years between us, so I remember very well).  My sister slept with me in my room since she was 2 months old.  My mother never let us interefere with her "married" life.  

Get a routine.  I am thinking probably on the lines of Supernanny or something.  Get your kids to bed early, 7pm tops, then you have quality time to spend with your husband.

I don't have children myself, and that is just because I decided so.  I understand that sometimes children take up time, and if they are not in a routine, can even destroy a marriage, which is what I suspect is happening in your case.  I am not saying by any means that you are a bad mother or anything like that, but probably a routine program may help you get back together with your husband.

I wish you all the luck, and I hope you find a solution to your problem!

Answer 6

Once you had children you ceased to be a sexual being.

Look up Madonna/Wh*re complex online, I am sure he will fit the profile.

Sorry but this is what happens when you marry AND have two kids within four years, you never even HAD a time to be a couple that has crazy funky monkey love.

What is up with you people and your need to complicate things SO soon after getting married???  I am sure you would never had kids had you known this, and also your children are learning a REAL f'd up way to be married.

Answer 7

SOME men don't see their wives as sexual beings once they've had children,they just see them as 'mothers'... He's the one with the issues, he's the one that needs help....... I'm surprised you've let it go on so long without even mentioning it to him before... I wouldn't leave the letter i'd confront him face to face and ask him what's going on.

Sausageee.... Yep, he needs to know your serious about this and needs a shocker... you can't have a relationship without s*x, it's not fair on you, or normal... he;s being selfish...you need to be very clear about what you say to him, that your not going to accept it anymore, that you've had it with talking......... if he doesn't listen then scare him by saying your leaving.... he needs to realise how upset this is making you.

Answer 8

I'm not surprised theres marital problems, you haven't been together all that long and you already have 2 children.

I think that you should leave him the letter somewhere, then suggest a weekend away, you need to break down the barrier that's built up between you, for your childrens sakes.

Answer 9

Listen, you did ok, the letter is a great ice breaker. Ann Landers said, be prepared to do what you said you would do. So if you intend to actually leave the relationship, because there is NO relationship anyway, be prepared. Did you get a part time job? Can you tell him to leave? Do you have $100.00 to contract a divorce lawyer? Your peace of mind and happiness is going to depend on the money situation. Dont give up. Just find a way. Most people act this way when they have found....is he ever away alot? Come home late?

Have you looked for clues to him being in another relation ship with another person? Do you think he prefer's the other s*x? Men?

Maybe you have gained too much weight. It can be a be turnoff for some men. Just relax, and be calm, and a marriage councelor can help you out, and a divorce councelor can help you out too. You have to make the call.

Answer 10

Just leave the house and leave it for him to find, then come back a few hours later when he has had time to think about it.

Answer 11

There is a major problem here... is it your weight ? he is depressed ? the kids ? I don't know but no s*x in a year and a half ? Somethings going on ...Is he cheating ?

Answer 12

Ask him if there is some one else on the side besides you. My husband isn't the affectionate type but he cannot go with out s*x more than a month.

Answer 13

Leave the letter you need to get things rolling,was he at the births of your children because that could be the crux of it

Answer 14

yes go get the letter now, before he finds it

talk to him tomorrow

there must be a reason, why he isnt interested

Answer 15

You need to talk about it. Do you know whether he is capable at the moment of making love?  Could there be a physical problem that he is covering up? If you see no other signs of an affair, then this is a possibility you need to consider. There are many physical conditions (such as a benign pituitary tumor, very common) which rob men of their s*x drive and their potency. Some men can get angry and bitter when this happens; others shrug their shoulders. You need to look into this together.  

Answer 16

Leave it!!!  Communication is the key to a healthy relationship.  You should have done it a long time ago.  If you go get it, it had better be to print it and put it into his hands personally.

Answer 17

Evidently I offended you last night.  I can't say that I am sorry because I was being serious.  You sound like a frigid woman.  You come on-line and post a question airing your "dirty laundry" yet you call names when you hear something you disagree with.  How is it out of the realm of possibilities that your husband is just not sexually attracted to you anymore?  I don't see how that is kicking you while you are down.  I also notice that your spelling and grammar are poor.

It just seems like you need to focus on "you" before you try to fix your husband.  Go ahead and report this too.  At least I can lay my head down at night without the feelings of rejection.  It's funny that you call me a sad little man when you are the one crying about your pathetic life.  Good luck to you Sweetheart.  

Answer 18

no i think you should leave it. it helps to get things out like that, and having written it in a letter is better then in person in my opinion. then he can read it and maybe understand better, and you will have explained to him your side without a tone of anger or yelling or tears

leave it, and see what he does about it or how he responds. maybe he'll write a letter back.

Answer 19

I understand...I just talked with my hubby about it and fixed the problems. Please talk with him first...I know its scary - but it works. Ask him why? Whats going on...tell him that you as a women feel void of the love you need and desire! Do you fill his needs? Use this as a weapon if he pulls something on you.  (I had to as well) Dont worry he will straighten up with a firm talk! Let him know that as a man...he ISNT filling YOUR needs!

Answer 20

Hello I also share a similar problem with you. My partner & I have been together 3 years & have a 10 month old. We used to cuddle & kiss & have s*x all the time & be romantic together, until I got pregnant. As I grew bigger the s*x slowed down, then once baby was born we were too tired or baby would wake. I told him months ago that I'm not feeling close to him at all anymore. Didn't really make any difference & now we hardly cuddle (occassionally in bed), s*x is about once a fortnight, romance & affection is nill & like you, I get a peck hi & bye before & after work. And there is barely any communication between the 2 of us besides our baby & lunch/tea, weather etc. It's driving me nuts & I'm ready to call it off, but it's so hard when kids are involved & he loves our daughter so much, he'd be devastated if he was away from her. Tried talking to him last night & he got mad & said he's sick of this s*$@ with me sooking & work is bad enough without putting up with me. He says he loves me & treats me good, good provider, dad, cook etc. Sorry to get off track from your issue, but can totally relate to your problem. So yes leave the letter for him to read, he needs to hear it. I wrote a letter, he wouldn't even read it, just cuddled me & said he loves me, that ain't fixing the problem! You should tell your husband how serious this is & that your considering ending it. Hopefully he will get himself together. Did he used to be affectionate? Hope you get your answers xo

Answer 21

Sausage,

Unfortunately, you are doing the right thing by drawing a hard line in the sand. I say unfortunately because you had to be pushed to the brink to go where you are.

Leave it on the computer, otherwise sit him down, don't give in to puppy dog eye's and tell him. hardest part then will be to keep your word.

I had to do this last year and my wife never came around. she skirted reconciliation, but never dove in and refused proper counseling saying it was all me. We are divorcing after TEN YEARS of trying to salvage a loveless, sexless marriage!

All right thinking people know it takes two to tango, so marital problems are both of yours.

If they don't respect that and don't own their garbage...I'm sorry hon, we gotta let them go.

I am...and in my case, I'm better off and so are my daughters who chose to live with me.

Wally..greatest hope for you in this mess...

Answer 22

What do you want to do? I think you should leave the letter. You have been doing all the work, now let's see if he wants to work on the relationship. I agree with the Madonna/w***e complex.

My husband lost interest in me after our son was born. I left him for many reasons, but lack of affection was way up there. Mine was also verbally abusive, and getting worse everyday.

I hope you guys get counseling, if that is what you want. He has some really lame excuses, so maybe if you both get counseling maybe you can work on your problems.

Good Luck