I just wrote this poem, what do you all think? Peace.?

Question

On the bus 2’o clock

Bells whistling roaring

“Get your sorry *** aboard!”

Swaying drunkenly on the streets

Of heat drenched Manhattan

Blissfully blown out of my mind

In the San Franciscan Bay

Off the plane, 9’ AM

Morning hours are best kept hidden

Because society is a machine

As my suitcase with no handle

Scrapes against my knees, scabs.

Wearing a coat jacket 5 sizes to large

But what else can you do

In the hours on noon?

Presidents come and go

But their corrupt legacies have

Their lengthened impact on an already

Troublesome society.

And here stand I chanting my commands to the masses

Drinking vodka straight from my coffee mug

And smoking my enjoyable minty rolled fresh cigarettes

Eating lemon meringue pie. Life’s simple o****m. Ah.

12 o’ clock and the hour is noon

I am speaking to my drawings of sketches

Of women I once knew.

They used to adorn me.

In the hidden hours of night and early morning dawn

Heaping of good stuff for my morning feast

Gorging on fried potatoes grits sausage and red wine.

Life can be tasteless, all you need is a good ****

All from Life’s simple pleasures.

Answer 1

Really Good.

Answer 2

Interesting, I don't agree with it completely but over all I think most people would like it.  There are a number of incorrect uses of grammar; if you wrote it for fun or as a stress reliever then it doesn't really matter.  

The mistakes (only if you want to know)-

-"to" in line 13 should be "too", as in 'too many', not 'I would like to go'.

-you have an oxymoron, (I know you can get away with that in poetry, I just think it distracts from the point of the poet's writing), the "mistake" is- "But what else can you do/ In the hours on noon?" It would really be 'But what else can you do / In the hour of noon?'  (And again you might have a point to that and I'm just not getting it) considering the fact that noon is only one minute really 12:00, or it could be after noon (12-4).

-"And here I stand(,) chanting my commands to the masses"

-"Gorging on fried potatoes(,) grits(,) sausage..."... etc.

Question- what are "Life's simple pleasures"?

-What is the form of this poem?  I think it changes at the end.

Other then those grammar mistakes the poem has a bleak out look on life, focused on the negatives rather then on both negative and positives.  

Most people will really like this so good luck with your writing endeavors, maybe we'll both make it in writing, you in poetry me in novels.  

TTFN

PS

Sorry about any and all mistakes I've made with spelling and/or grammar.

And I don’t mean to offend you in any way, just to give you a critical perspective of your poem.

Answer 3

I like it.  Nice visuals.