I just wrote this poem. Can you help me with it? Do you like it?

Question

Hello. I'm 13, and I lovee writing poems.

Although, Im not very good.

I wrote like four in the past two days. This one I wrote just a minute ago. It seriously just came to me, out of nowhere.

I want to see if people know what it means..

And, Is it okay?

What should I change?

---name ideas?---

A million empty faces,

Haunting my deep slumber.

A thousand pointless murders,

Committed while I snooze.

Two hundred homeless children,

Are freezing as I doze.

A hundred starving animals,

Search for food as I nap.

Ten billion things we can do to change it,

And yet I am still here, asleep.

Answer 1

Idk what would go with NAP,

but i think it means.......

You feel sorry for those people and that you need to do something about it instead of sitting on the couch sleeping or watching t.v.  Your a natural born leader.

good luck

Answer 2

Wow! Thats really touching! I do like it! But I think that the word 'nap' doesnt fit there. maybe you could say . . .

fighting their families for their food.

i dont know......it might fit

Answer 3

i think that the idea for the poem and the way it written is done really well, i really like it. i dont think it needs any work. the only thing that jumped out at me is snooze and doze, i know by the pattern of the poem that it shouldnt rhyme and it doesnt but the words are very close to a rhyme so i feel like you should substitude the word doze with a different word for sleeping, unless you like it the way it is, then dont change it because its your work.

Answer 4

Well "your baby" she obviously used nap, becaues every other line ends the same way "some sort of sleep"

You can use "rest" in stead of "Nap"

that will flow a little better.

But you might want to get rid of the "Animals" part all together.

when your dealing with events like, murder, stravation, and homelessness.

keep it to people, unless your in a animal forum.

im guessing your talking about one of the worlds many crisis.

Tibet?

Answer 5

I don't like the word snooze, doesn't fit too me. That's just me of course, this is your poem.

lol @ bryan and randomness. (little over the line though -.-)

EDIT: Celia beat me :(

Answer 6

I liked it still you kinda ran out of words like *Snooz*

And *nap*

Mabie try words or sencties like this

A thousand pointless muders. Committed while I rest my cold eyes

Just like that

Answer 7

I think the line "Search for food as I nap" throws off the rhythm.  The last two lines don't fit rhythmically either.  I'm not sure what you want, but rewording those last few lines might help.

I don't think it needs more.  Sometimes, simplicity is best.  ^^

Answer 8

i dont think you should add it is really good. i think it means that everybody has there eyes shut to all the poverty and abuse in this world and that noboys sees it they just walk by as if there sleeping. that is also really good for a 13 year old. i love it.

Answer 9

I like it. What I take from it is that we in general know about problems in our country and the world yet we sit by and take no action to correct it or do our part.

Answer 10

wow its great! i like that ur going with the sleep thing. it's clever. okay well i would just change afew things. insted of "I"

change them all to "we". so like "and yet WE are still here, asleep.

titles

its moring time

its time we wake up

as we sleep

its amazing and very powerful! i love it ;)