I lost a baby last year, I didnt take it very well now my spouse is telling me?

Question

It is time for you to get over this. I am tired of hearing negititve talk, I will give you another baby but you must promise me you will not neglect it because you miss the other one. Im not sure where this is coming from....i have had some health problems that have prevented me from getting pregant. Now out of the blue he is telling me im negitive all the time he is tired of it and he wished i was more like others. he is tired of the crying about the dead baby. And if i do right he will give me another baby but...i better get the job of his choice and if it doesnt make a certain amount he is going to be upset. i feel like i am being black mailed. and i also feel like just giving up on my dream. to tell the truth until he can change his tune i dont feel like being close. am i wrong?

Answer 1

First of all sorry to hear about your lost.   i can't imagine the feeling of losing a baby.  Anyway I believe you two should go to therapy or group therapy were people have lost  babies and learn to cope with the lost better.  You need time to grieve and heal and your husband should have more patient with you on this and maybe he is acting this way becasue this is the way he is handling his own grief about the lost of your baby.  I really think counseling would be a good decsion for the two of you right now.

Answer 2

im sorry but why would u want to bring a baby into a relationship that isnt happy.  Your partner is using this against you yes he lost a child aswell and it is never somethin that is easy to put into perspective and deal with just remember that time does heal all wounds and having an understanding partner that is there no matter what to help you thru as opposed to one that says if u do right ill give you another baby, and how can he say that you will neglect another baby thats unfair.  I think you need to talk to him an make him understand how you are feeling otherwise you will just end up bringing a child into a very unhappy relationship that may ultimately end.

Good Luck

Answer 3

you do eventually need to move on. I agree with him that you have to move on from this. It unhealthy and you will ruin your life because you are mourning over the loss of a child that wasn't  born.

I understand your right to be upset, I lost a child too but I moved on and have 2 wonderful kids that bring me joy.  I don't much think about the miscarriage as I have something wonderful in front of me and there is no use dwelling on something that wasn't meant to be.

I'm not following his controllingness but he could just be fed up with you not paying attention to him and only caring about this miscarriage that was a year ago. You may want to see professional help, he might change his tune when you change yours.

Answer 4

It is not your fault for having a stillborn and if your husband tells you it is he is a total jerk. women sometimes get depressed after having a baby, it is a medical condition. They need support from their family and doctor. if your husband does not understand this he is ignorant. you have to make him understand it or you will suffer a lot with this man. you need to seek professional help and marriage counseling. maybe get a male doctor to talk to your husband.

Answer 5

No you are not wrong!  He can't tell you how you should feel or how long you should grieve!  That is ridiculous.  I don't think I would want to have a child with him.  You know how you feel, do what is good for you.  But if the situation you are in is not good for you, don't waste a lot of time hanging on to it.  There maybe someone that is more right for you, but it can't happen as long as you are in this situation.  Good Luck.......xox

Answer 6

Grief is such a hard thing to go through, it's bad enough when it's an adult family member that has passed away, but when it's a baby, it's doubly heartbreaking. Your plans & expectations for the child are quashed. It takes far longer in my opinion to get over the passing of a child than it does the passing of an adult & some mothers never get over it.

Your spouse has no right to blackmail you about having another child. A child isn't a trade off prize, " if you do as I say, then you can have another baby ", sounds like he is using your grief against you.

Some may call it blackmail & they would be right, but I would go one step further & say it's emotional blackmail.

Sounds like your spouse needs to realise that you are in fact still grieving for your lost child & comparing you to other people is not helping the matter, it is in fact having the total opposite effect. Where as your spouse should be understanding your grief, he is in fact driving you further away by the negative statements he is making towards you.

Good Luck. X :-)

Answer 7

where did you leave it? maybe it is still there!

Answer 8

get marriage counseling like now

Answer 9

Tell him to take a flying leap off the nearest cliff.

Never EVER allow anybody (under any circumstances) to tell you how to feel or how to deal with your emotions....especially after the death of a child.......NEVER!!!!!

Children aren't supposed to die before their parents.....it's not natural and your spouse appears to have about as much compassion and empathy as a stone.

No, you're not wrong......he is!!!!! and he's a selfish SOB.

I'm sorry jerry w......you have no idea how cranky this situation has made me feel.

Answer 10

negititve?

pregant?

life is too short to have so many mental issues. seek counseling and move on.  

Answer 11

No one has the right to tell you how or how long you are suppose to grief over a dead child. Losing a child is not something you can just get

over. And people who say "time heals all wounds" has never suffered the lost of their child. While you will never really get over losing this child, you will in time learn to live with the lost because you have no other choice. Your husband is being a total jerk and he should be a shoulder to ling on. Please talk to your doctor about all of this because

you may be suffering from depression to. Try marriage counseling to

find out if this marriage can be saved. Also don't have another child

right now wait until you are in a healthier relationship with spouse . Another child won't replace the one you lost, and another child won't

fix a bad marriage. God bless you.

Answer 12

He's not much of a husband if you ask me. He offers NO support for you psychologically, no compassion, and no feeling. He's more like a machine, than a man. You need help to overcome losing your baby...talk to a doctor!

Answer 13

TO : MMCZICMX, that's sick!

to asker:

I don't think it's blackmail..because it is about time that you got over it! if you stay negative, bad things will happen..if you don't listen to your hubby then your marriage could be ruined..he is right. your lost baby is now in heaven having the time of his/her life! he/she is happy, and healthy as ever. i'm telling the truth.  

Answer 14

you are being blackmailed! why should you have to put up with this? have someone else's baby!

Answer 15

He's the last person you should want to have a baby with.  

Answer 16

You need to go to counselling to get through the grief of losing your baby.  I know it must have been absolutely devastating however it cannot continue to impact your life in a negative way.  You need to grieve, then move on.  You of course will never forget what happened but you need to come to terms with it.  Are you the same person who also has a 4 year old and your husbands ex wants more child support?  That would be the reason your husband is asking you to go to work to help take the load off him financially.  You two need to communicate better and work on your issues.

Answer 17

That is very upsetting to me for a few reason.

A child seems what you really want but hes using it against you to get what he wants which is a no no, he has no right to tell you what to do for you're career choice. I know you probably love him but never ever let someone do these things to you, it is not mentally health for either of you.

If he acts this way i would suggest not having a baby with him. He sounds very controlling of you.

Answer 18

Your husband is insensitive, manipulative and controlling.  Please go get some grief counseling x

Answer 19

Leave him! My husband was just as hurt as me when I lost our baby! I think you need to talk to a counciler or a preacher

Answer 20

losing a child is a tough thing to get over. it's wrong for him to tell you that you've had enough time to grieve. don't have another baby with him, at least not now. you two are at two different places in your lives.

Answer 21

tell him how you feel sit and talk to him and tell him that you feel that you are being abused but that you still and always will love him there mite be somthin else rong????

Answer 22

Have you had any counselling after this tragedy?  If not, I would suggest that perhaps you give this a go.  I think you should also tell your husband that you want him to come to the counselling also.

It is unfair of your husband to be talking like this to you.  You have every right to be grieving, it is a very traumatic thing to go through.

Everyone is different, and for some people it takes a little longer to move through their grief.

Having another baby is not going to "make up for" the one you lost, and your husband trying to bribe you into being emotionally shut down is just not on!

Please seek some counselling, and talk to you GP about this.  Your husband cannot understand fully the loss as he did not carry that baby with him as it grew.

Perhaps this distant behaviour of his is a sign that he has not allowed himself to grieve at all - another good reason to ask him to attend counselling with you also.

Best of luck, and I hope you can find some peace.