I love her, but I can?

Question

My parents have been divorced for ten years and seven years ago my mother remarried. She and my stepdad are sometimes verbally and physically abusive of me and my brother (who has mild autism and doesn't understand what they're doing is wrong).

On the last day of school, I wrote a story about a girl who was mistreated by her mother which was kind of autobiographical and I gave it to a teacher and I hoped the teacher or the principal would ask me if something was wrong. I felt guilty, I guess, and I didn't want to just tell, because it was hard for me, and I know it's stupid, but I wanted someone to ask. So on the last day of school, the principal asked, but my stepdad was in the office and I got scared and said nothing was wrong. I know that no one can help me if I didn't tell them I needed it, but I WAS SCARED. Later, I wrote the principal a letter so she would understand the situation, but I know I should have told when I had the chance.

When I got home to my mom's house, she freaked out about the story, because apparently the principal (whom I'd actually trusted) had told my mom about it despite me telling her specifically not to do so, and my mom told me to get out and go stay with my dad and never come back and I said I would and I did.

My dad said I could stay with him as long as I needed to, but then my mom said I could stay with my dad but she would keep my brother then. She got Social Services involved and tried to prove I was dangerous to my brother, but they told her to give my brother back to my dad part-time, but when I tried to tell them about the way my mom abused us, they didn't believe me. And now my mom's going to my teachers, especially a teacher whom I had a couple years ago who I have a really special relationship with and saying untrue and terrible things about me, like I threatened their lives and I'm afraid they believe it. My mom can put on the act really well, and if they've believed it for six years, why should they believe me over my mom now? She's gone to the school and gotten me in trouble before for things I didn't do and the school believed her!

My dad is trying to fight for legal custody of me, but my mom is fighting back, and even though I know I shouldn't, I do miss her. I haven't seen her for two months and she has the ability to sometimes be a really great person, even though she's often not. I don't want to try and patch things up with her either, because I notice a recurring pattern with her: we'll get along great for about a month and then she snaps. Sometimes it's something I did or my brother did or something at work, but then she hurts us, physically and emotionally. It scares me to get up every morning not knowing whether she'll be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. And what's scarier: either she's a brilliant liar or she actually doesn't remember she ever hurt us!!! She says she never did, and when I give specifics she;ll pick through each one and make it out to be a lie. If she actually doesn't remember hurting us, I'm scared it's a personality disorder or something like bipolar or split personality, which actually scares me more. I can't go back because I don't feel safe, but she's my mother and I love her and I miss her! What can I do?

Answer 1

I feel for you, you love your mother no matter what and all her flaws.  Family counseling with your mother present telling her all the things you did, with a counselor to mediate and acknowledge her short comings and mental illness, which in that case would help get your dad to have full custody.

stay safe, and ask for counseling for you and your mother where the truth can come out.

Answer 2

I am SO sorry you're having to go through this!! Sounds similar to an experience I had as a child...if I were you, I'd print this out...what you just wrote...and take it to that favorite teacher of yours.  Throw yourself into her hands and ask her to help you figure things out.  You trust her and you love her and she's "there".  We aren't "there", hon...so all we can give are words...but she can take action in your life and help you to sort this out for the best situation for you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I don't know how old you are...but it only lasts so long.  And once you're out on your own you won't have to deal with this and can decide on your own when to talk to her (when she's being sweet) and when not to (when she's awful) and you'll have your power back.  In the meantime, don't question your intincts.  It doesn't sound like a safe situation so I'd stay at your dads and tell your mom that you'd love to see her but just don't feel like you get along well enough to live together at this time.  Also...ASK YOUR DAD to help you to stand up for yourself at school to fight the image your mom is trying to portray.

Best of luck to you...if you need to talk I've allowed emails from my profile, just email me.

Take good care of yourself!!

EDIT: To Gamesportsfan:  Everyone loves their mother.  Even those that are abused.  Even those that hate their mother still love her in some way!  Sometimes it makes them "love" them more...because the part of them that wants their mothers love back is so strong.  The desire to have that loving relationship.  This girl is going thru PLENTY.  The last thing she needs is berating comments from you.

Don't worry about him, girl!

Answer 3

Personally, I just do not get you. Your mother apparently hurts you which you do not elaborate on enough. Somehow your lover your mom still which makes no sense when I am not sure she loves you. You have to ask your mom point black "do you love me?" in the court room. She won't be able to lie back an answer to that.

Answer 4

Well, when you talk to social services, tell then she does things and says she doesnt remember. She should probably get evaluated. That is great and very brave what you are doing. When my mother remarried it became "who cares about my kids, I need to keep a man". She started treating us like dirt, never letting us do anything he didnt agree with, and bow down to his command. Its sad and its hard. People dont understand unless they live it. I remember when I was a kid, my mom kicked me in my stomach so hard when i was on the ground, I got sick. To this day, she denies it. Maybe she is just so hurt by what she is doing to you, she is blocking it out. One day, when you are getting along, sit down, just the two of you. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you are hurting and you love her. I finally did this with my mom when I was 20. Its hard and its painful and very emotional, but it needs to be done. NO child deserves to be hurt physically or emotially, especially because of a disability. You did the right thing, and by the sounds of it, you will continue to.  

Answer 5

Bond with your dad!  I know you love your mom.  That is completely understandable, but you have to do what is best for you, as far as it depends on you.  It sounds like your dad is trying to do what he can to help.  He wouldn't be doing that if he didn't love you.  I'm sure your mother loves you too, but it does sound like she has some mental disorders.  My best advice: Pray!  It's not just an empty answer-it really helps, if you believe.  You also need to try to find some adults you can trust. Print out what you wrote in this question, and show it to some other adult-or send it to a church-they may be willing to help.