I m from middle east and taught myself english ,this is my poem can you suggest anything *what do you think?*?

Question

Tonight I m going to leave

I m going to leave you forever

May god bless your soul

And give you all you want

I will pray for you when the sun dies

And sink drowning in sea

And when it gets alive

Or gets so high to see

I will pray for you as the moon drifts

In the black dress of my lonely night

And as the stars shines with love

I will sprinkle my tears above

How we sail in this world

Without boats, or tender hearts

Without knowing right from wrong

And the waves drive us away

Tonight is my last day with you

And after that I will be gone

May god protect you

May god hold you tight in peace of green meadows?

Because you are my home

and my heart belongs to you

Answer 1

I really enjoyed reading that poem! I like how you seperated each given thought into its own little stanza! Oh and I like your literary terms that you put in there.

i like this part:

''In the black dress of my lonely night

And as the stars shines with love

I will sprinkle my tears above

How we sail in this world

Without boats, or tender hearts

Without knowing right from wrong

And the waves drive us away''

at that point it really captures the readers mind and paints a picture in his head. and good job with the english too

Answer 2

I wouldn't change anything.  Spelling/grammar-wise it's considerably better written than most English people could manage and, more importantly, it's obviously from the heart. May I suggest you join Triond.com and publish it for the whole world to see?  It's free to register and I've had all sorts of things published.  It doesn't pay huge sums, but the more people that read it, the more money you'll make.  Money can be paid into a PayPal account.

Answer 3

I am very impressed with this poem, especially since English is not your first language.

I am going to re-write here some tiny changes to show you the exact usage of English....however, this poem is worth keeping exactly as it is as it has the charm brought to it by being written as you have done.

Tonight I'm going to leave

I'm going to leave you forever

May God bless your soul

And give you all you want (desire?)

I will pray for you when the sun dies

And sinks drowning in the sea

And when it comes alive

Or gets too high to see.

I will pray for you as the moon drifts

In the black dress of my lonely nights

And as the stars shine with love.

I will sprinkle my tears above.

How do we sail in this world?

Without boats, or tender hearts,

Without knowing right from wrong,

And when the waves drive us away?

Next verse - perfect, no change

Answer 4

It's theme about religion is good, don't mind the idiot that said these things are old. Your first two lines are quite cliche (the idea and diction) and therefore doesn't give it an appealing start. But when I consider that english is not your first language (It's not mine too), your poem is a good start. just keep reading more in english and definitely keep writing.

God bless you, brother,

Rid

Answer 5

might have been good if it wasn't bad.

(too much..god stuff and religion, no one likes that stuff these days, keep poems about s*x, drugs, music, death)

Answer 6

Can be improved with selection of words, but if you taught yourself, that is AMAZING, good job!

Answer 7

Seeing as though you self-taught yourself English, I believe this poem is absolutely magnificent :)

I've no suggestions since I'm not too into poetry itself, but by golly, I like this :)

Answer 8

you can make it a bit more meaningful and make it fun to read.