I made 1 last attempt to help my daughters' relationship with her father, now I need help....?

Question

Well, I will try not to be long winded, so I 'll get right to the point. My daughters father left town when he and I broke up. I did'nt see any reason for he and I to stay in a loveless relationship and basically I did'nt think he was ready. So, I raised our daughter alone, no hassles, no regrets, no help from him and that was alright too. Our daughter is 21 now. Okay, he has come back into town and the reunion between the two of them was very nice, at least for the first day. He was here every day and some days he slept on the sofa. Day in and day out he was here. I saw nothing wrong with it. For her, what was at first a pleasant reunion, quickly turned into an intrusion. I asked her why was she trying to avoid her Dad and she said it was too much too soon. His side of this matter is that how long does he have to wait for her to come around to getting to know him and bond with him.

He started off wanting to be with her, her every move and that offended her, too much too soon. He had thoughts of his own that the more he is around her she will get to know him better. Well by him being the Dad, he thinks his way is best. I had to remind him that she is not his baby daughter, but his adult daughter and she is used to riding alone when she has things to do. I told him to not rush her, and that was the tip that she gave me when I asked her why was she trying to avoid him.

Now, he has a very nasty attitude about the whole thing and is saying hateful things like, if she wants to thinks of me as a stranger then I'll be a stranger and I see her in passing , I'll tip my hat and keep going. At first he said he's just going to carry on with his life like he don't have a daughter, until I called him over to talk. I told him that we left off on bad terms and he and I should talk about he and his daughter and father relationship. And that no matter what he say , does not change the fact that he is still her Dad and she is still his daughter. And that he is giving up too quickly, seems like an easy way out. I need more to say to him along those lines because if any time he want to be her dad he could just pop in and out of her life. It kind of sounds like I'm your Dad and now I'm not, what kinda of s*** is that. So, to keep from saying something that I could'nt take back, I told him that I've said all I wanted to say.Any suggestions, serious ones, because I do want them to get close like a father and daughter should be, he is basically a good guy.

oops, sorry I said I wasn't going to be long winded, but I needed for you to get the whole story....

Answer 1

Awe no don't worry you told the story as clean-cut as you could. So far I think you've done the right thing. If they can't get along it's not your fault. You're right not to rush your daughter, it sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on the situation altogether. I think you've done what you can do though, the best thing may just be to let them work it out. Because, like you said, she's an adult and sometimes you just have to let her handle it. Don't let him blame you if it doesn't work out between them.

Answer 2

He might be basically a good guy, but he has no clue about being a father.

He came on too strong, thinking she would be so glad to see him that he would not have to acknowledge that he has not been in her life. How long he has to wait for her to bond with him depends on how he treats her.  If he really wants to have a good relationship then he is the one who should work to earn it.  She may be grown, but she is still the kid in this thing.  He is the one who is acting childish, however.  Expecting her to just adore him because he is the sperm donor?

He should approach this in a way similar to dating - short visits doing nice things and then gradually seeing each other more often.  She may have his DNA, but he is really a stranger to her.  They should talk on the phone, see each other occasionally and the relationship will develop over time.

I know you want this to work, but if he is not willing to do it right, she will probably reject him.  He was probably disappointed when she started to back off from him, but he needs to be the adult here and give her the time she needs.