I may be addicted to prescription meds but don't want to stop yet?

Question

I have had a lot of anxiety issues going on in the 9 months. I was pregnant with my daughter and didn't take any prescription meds, just tylenol for back pain and benedryl for allergies occasionally which was ok with my ob/gyn. After I gave birth to her, everything seemed great until she was 10 days old. She was breathing rapidly so my husband and I took her to the doctor's office. She was transported about an hour later to Children's Hospital and diagnosed with a congenital heart defect. She spent the next 21 days in the PICU and had 2 open heart surgeries. My husband and I were so worried and scared and sad. Our daughter couldn't fight anymore and died at 31 days old right in front of us. We were there for her last moments. It was the worst day of my life.

Since then I have experienced extreme depression and anxiety. I get really upset easily. I miss my baby so much. My husband has been a great support along with the rest of the family and we have all been support for my husband too. I am not just depressed about my baby, but also about our situation. I have good days and I have bad days.

My husband got laid off, I'm currently on disability, my job is pressuring me to resign or go back to work and I don't know my rights on that. I'm under doctor's and therapist's care. We are losing our house to foreclosure. We had to file bankruptcy. I am also going through testing including a biopsy in a week for thyroid cancer. I have had so much to deal with in a short time. I'm 32 years old and never had any unusual physical problems and never any mental problems.

I am on a cocktail of depression, anxiety and insomnia prescription meds. I look forward to taking them at night and going to sleep. I actually find myself watching the clock for "bed time". I don't stress out while on the meds and therefor don't think about all the problems piling up on us. It's like a break from the anxiety. I do take .5 to .75 mg of Xanax during the day and sometimes take a nap. Again, using sleep to get away from it all.

I am looking for advice. I go to a therapist, but am reluctant to share with her about my loving the meds. I'm not ready for them to be taken away from me, but I know it's only getting worse. I also know this is the beginning if not already addiction as all addict love whatever drug they use or are on and usually don't want it taken away or don't want to stop.

I have also never done drugs and really don't like to drink. So no other addiction problems in the past. I used to be overweight so I guess I was addicted to food, but had gastric bypass surgery and can't eat much now anyway. This is all new. I guess I just want to keep this going until we can get our financial situation taken care of, but that won't be for a few more months as my husband is going to school for Paramedic. Kinda ironic huh? I even kinda hide the prescription meds from him.

Please tell me if you have experienced this and what happened to you.

I really don't need criticism as I am good at giving myself criticism all the time. I just want to know what has happened to others in this situation before.

Thanks.

Answer 1

Honey,  My brother pasted away 1 week before his first birthday, And that has been 40 years ago, i was way to young to remember ,, or even remember him. but i see my parents every november and its sad to this day!   You have alot going on in your life and I see why you look forward to sleep!  But you cant keep this up, i do think u should tell your therapist that you do look forward to going to bed and taking your meds so u can finally sleep. I dont agree with the xanax at all, < thats my opinion ok.. my son takes them and i swear they make u worse! If you possiblly  change  that med to something else I belive it would help. there are people in your life and knowing you that everything will work out sooner or later,, honestly I wont say they cant get any worse because they can!  But your on the right road your going thru your grieving and working thru your problems with your therapist ,,, your smarter than most people! But you need to understand that what happened to your child isnt your fault, you need to understand that you need to get past that, and you need to understand that your husband is going thru the same thing and needs you just as much!  You need to understand that things will get better and i do promise you that they will, try to cut back on your meds and work all these things out with your therapist and I also will pray for you and your husband! May God Bless you & keep all the days of your life!

Lots of Love from WV

Bonnie J

Answer 2

Trust me when I say I've been there. My answer was to ramp up my spiritual life, which - with my meds - carried me through the worst of things. My 2 cents. I will pray for you.

Answer 3

I think it'd be best if you told your therapist about your addiction problem. How can your therapist help you if s/he doesn't know all the facts? Also, it seems like your addiction is slowly taking over your life: you look forward to your bed time and you even hide them from your husband.  

Answer 4

I understand and I will pray for you and your husband.  My husband was killed by an accident and I was pregnant and he died on April 5, 1982 was buried on April 7, 1982.  The following week, I had a beautiful baby boy on April 12 and then buried him April 14th due to respiratory problems, plus I had two kids at home.  My world was upside down and I saw a therapist and he gave me a depression cocktail and I was so afraid on getting hooked but when I finally broke down and told him, they started helping me with other options.  I too was working and my boss (jerk, he was) docked me a days pay because I took off for my husband's funeral.  I just got more involved with my faith and a lot of things just worked out and it took me fifteen years but I remarried and this husband was killed by a drunk driver so I have my faith again to bring me thru, my kids are grown and gone with kids of their own and I still have my therapist.  I didn't get hooked because I talked about it and they took other measures to help me. This time I was put back on depression medication but I was strong enough to figure out it was time to get off of them and I am doing really well, this time.  It is hard and anyone that makes light of that has no brains.  Just do it in your time and not someone else's time schedule. Losing a child is something that you don't get over quickly (if ever) but you do adjust, just remember the good times and don't forget your husband is grieving also and he needs YOU.  Good Luck