I may sound like a jerk, but I don't know what to do?

Question

My fiance' proposed in November 2006... I was 19. We're waiting til June 2010 to get married cause Im in school and my aunt is paying for it, if I get married she wont pay for it anymore.

Anyway, I had a good friend all through middle school and high school. I always thought she'd be in my wedding without a doubt. However, after high school, she moved away to go to dental school and we just never really reconnected. We talked maybe a dozen times over AIM and hung out once over 2 years. In effort to rekindle the friendship, I asked her to be a bridesmaid in Feb of this year. I got a long, akward silence... and a "uh... sure, I guess". I had a feeling she just said yes because she felt pressured. Anyway, time went by and I didnt talk to her at all... and I find out from someone else that she is getting married! She is actually getting married tomorrow, and I just got a txt msg from her asking if I wanted to come. (B-List much?) I really have no desire to go, and I really dont think it's in either of our interests to have her in my wedding party anymore... we just completely grow apart, we dont talk, and when we do, its awkward. Am I supposed to go to her wedding? How (and when) do I tell her that I feel we have grown apart and don't want to stress her out with a wedding for someone that she rarely communicates with?

Answer 1

No way - you shouldn't go.  Obvioulsy she invited you because you asked her th be bridesmaid otherwise she wouldn't have even told you she got married.  Also, since your wedding day is still so far away just don't mention it again and get another bridesmaid.  Don't invite her at all.  If you were such good friends she should have at least invited you to the wedding.

Answer 2

I would feel highly insulted if I were invited to a wedding like that!   I certainly would not go.  

Then I would wait a short time, and write her a note saying your plans have changed, and you are not sure when  you will be getting married, so you are releasing her from being a bridesmaid.  

That might be fibbing a little, but with it that far off, and you not being close, she will never know if it's true or not.

You don't need her at your wedding at all.

Answer 3

No need to make any big announcement - just drop the subject altogether.  From the sounds of it, she's not that fussed anyway.  

Answer 4

I think the best thing to do si just call her and tell her thanks for in invite, but you wont be attending.  Tell her that while you were good friends in the past, you have obviously grow apart and while you would still like to keep in contact with her, you think its best to keep the weddings for close friends and family.  I mean you asked her to be in your wedding and she didnt even have the decency to tell you she was getting married no bother invite you properly.  I think the friendship is basically over and it would be best you ask someone else to take her place.

Answer 5

Just say you can't make it and if she asks why, tell her that you don't want to stress her out, as you said.

Answer 6

You don't need to go to her wedding, but you do need to tell her that you don't want her to be one of your bridesmaids.  Her calling you last minute was a plan on her part to either make you angry, or let you know that she doesn't have you on her "A" list. She is hoping that by doing this you will get the idea of where she sees your relationship.  She wants "out" of the commitment, it's only fair to give her what she wants :)

Write her a short note.  Don't date it on her wedding day, that's tacky.  You don't want to harm her, you just want to release her of a commitment.  You stated in your question a lot of things to say.

  " I am thankful for our friendship and the fun we have had, but it seems we have completely grown apart.  I think we both have felt the awkwardness in our conversations, and we rarely see each other anymore.  While I appreciate your willingness to be in my wedding, I really don't think it's in either of our interests for you to do so.  Please accept my apologies."

She will feel a little like she's on the "B" list, but that can't be helped.    

Answer 7

I would text her back saying that you can't go, don't feel bad about it with such a classless invite. Wait a few weeks and then give her a call. If she lives near you see if you can meet for coffee. If not, on the phone is fine. Tell her that you asked her to be a bridesmaid because of how important she was to you when you were in school together, but you understand that it may be a bit of a burden now since you have grown apart. Ask her if she really wants to be in the wedding, or if she would prefer coming as a guest (or even not coming at all). Good luck.

Answer 8

If she didn;t send you an invitation, then no. She didn't even had the decency to even call or tell you face to face?

Sorry, by a text message wedding inviatation is the worse thing that I ever heard.

You are right, maybe you have grown apart. Obviously you both have moved on...nothing personal, but you have outgrown each other.

Good luck

Answer 9

If you two have grown apart, it's totally fair to just be guests at each other's wedding. By inviting you as a guest (at the last minute), she's letting you know how close she feels to you.

I would go to her wedding, and try to have a good time. Tell her later that you'd love for her to come to your wedding as a guest, but that you don't think it's appropriate for her to be a bridesmaid. Just tell her LATER, NOT at her wedding!!