I met a beautiful little girl, I wanted to write the lesson she showed me, did I manage it?

Question

LOOK WITHIN OR GO WITHOUT

A little girl found her way to my heart,

I knew she was special right from the start,

She gave of herself, she showed love,

God sent her, on the wing of a dove.

I now have faith all will be well,

God sending me, rang my own bell,

It made me remember, through a child’s eyes

The world is wondrous it makes us wise.

I looked into her eyes, what did I see?

My past my present, own future to be.

She did not ask questions, she took me on trust,

She showed me her heart, follow I must!

I will not let my failing; lose my way,

I take heart from child within; do what ever I may,

For there’s no distrust, dishonesty, no battle scar,

For my child knows love, for love is its law.

The little girl said, “She would never forget me”

She gave me strength she made me see,

Her honest words, I have no doubt!

My thought of failing, I push right out.

I look to the child within myself,

Her dreams her wishes, the bringing of wealth,

My sense of worth, materialise in my world,

My life lessons are tests, these lessons I hold.

So when you get to this stage within your own life,

Don’t become vengeful, fearful, with trouble and strife,

Remembering the child within, for they always knew,

You are the creator! Remember always stay true.

Answer 1

Not knowing the child myself, it would be hard to convey such ideals that she may have endeared.

However, in this poem, it is plain to see,

she had, profound effect on thee.

A Child so charmed, in world so wild

Brought a smile, to ones mind not mild.

Shame she had to leave one day,

For many would wish to have her stay.

Another great poem, this has more rhythm and tempo, as you read it, one can feel it flow.

Answer 2

Its good, i like it, but it could flow better. Some of the verses seem a little drawn out, like you know when you write something,the pace and flow of yourself reading it seems perfectly fine? Well to  someone who didnt write it, its hard to read. I would suggest shortening the some of the lines. It is still a very good poem though, you  maneged to tell a story, while still keeping the same feeling throughout the whole thing. :)

Answer 3

Your poems are still lovely Aqua.

Answer 4

Yes, you managed to show very well the lesson of a child.  Some may think the lines are too long, but a poem is about feelings and should not be restricted to a certain length. How can one exhibit their emotions/feelings if there are restrictions? As long as the meaning of what is being written comes across is all that matters. I think it is a wonderful poem, with reminders of taking a look within ourselves..Great job!

Answer 5

I have much enjoyed this poem.  My favourite line is this: `God sending me, rang my own bell--' a most refined use of figurative language and metaphorical conceit.  

The conceit of the poet meeting herself as a child is also probably underexplored in lyric poetry.  I detected two very faint echoes which illuminate this poem's genre, but might not have been important to you.  `My past my present, own future to be' seems to evoke Dickens's little `Christmas Carol' because of the shared presence of apparitions (though Blake also echoes the phrase repeatedly).  The idea of `for they always knew,/You are the creator!' also seems to echo the spirit from Wordsworth's Intimations Ode: `the child is father of the man,' etc.  

Your piece is of course light-filled, unlike Dickens's oddly gothic work.  I tend to agree with idance4life14 that `some of the verses seem drawn out' a little bit.  I think the poem longs to see more compare/contrast between your perspective and the girl's: at this point the middle three stanzas are specifically about the meeting, yet the relationship is so mediated by the poet's own reflections that the moment of the meeting, and the girl's lessons, do not stand out as much as they could.

I really like what you are trying to do here; the little girl takes the role that Wordsworth's (slightly) younger sister took, in Tintern Abbey, as well as his own recollections of himself in Intimations of Immortality.  But I really enjoyed your more daring poetic devices.  Perhaps thinking of Wordsworth too much makes me wonder if a similarly contemplative piece could be a worthy experiment in blank verse.

Good luck, and thank you again for an enjoyable read.

Answer 6

I LOVE IT!!! it is so good! 10/10 I love this poem seriously! it is so good

great job this is one of the best ones that I have seen on here!

rate mine if you will thanks

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Answer 7

Very nice Aqua 550....I write poems too...keep it coming....it's therapy for the soul.