I miss her so much.?

Question

I really need some advice and I dont know who to go to for help. My ex and I broke up about a year ago and have a daughter together. At the time I thought it would be best to have joint custody and for about a year now we've been switching back and forth every other week. She seems like she been doing well with the way arrangements but I'm not sure how long we can keep doing this. I've moved on and started a new life with a man, getting married and having a daughter of our own. I'm worried once the new baby comes our oldest daughter will start to feel left out and sad that she has to leave but the baby gets to stay. I'm getting so depressed when I have to take her back to her dads now thinking about it and dont know what to do. Should I just hope she deals with it or start making arrangements to have her stay with me for longer than a week at a time? I feel that I have a more stable family life to offer her than her father (who still lives with his parents and serves tables)

Answer 1

I feel for you but there is no straight answer to these situations.

Having a child with a person and then breaking up with the person is bound to hurt the child and that is about the price to pay for the choice you yourselves make about splitting up.

I do not believe in splitting up, I believe that if  a baby happens with the wrong person then you scr##ed up not the child so you both keep your head VERY LOW, swallow your EGO and DEAL with it for the sake of the baby.

But deep down I know that life isn't like this and that why I ended up without any children myself. I actually still rather have no children than pieces of a family all over the place.

All I know that as soon as you start asking for her to stay longer, her dad is going to feel hard done by this and he'd be right since this is her daughter just like it is yours.

Plus, there's the fact of who left who that you don't mention so.. really there's not enough info to say much more.

Answer 2

Do you have a decent relationship with your ex? If so, talk to him about your concerns and see if he is open to changing the agreement somewhat. Maybe it will be a relief to him to not have 50/50 responsibility in his current situation. You didn't mention how old your daughter is; talk to her also and see how she feels about a new baby coming along, and makes sure you let her know in no uncertain terms you are not trying to displace her with the arrival of a new baby. Get her involved in helping to plan for the bay, and let her make some decisions about things like colors and furniture so she feels like she is a part of the process. Make sure you do special things just with her and for her before and after the baby comes so she doesn't feel like it's all about the baby, and not anything about her.

We had 4 kids between my hubby and I before adding a new baby, and things couldn't be better between them, and none of them live with us except the baby, now 3 1/2. We made sure they were involved before the birth, and they were the first to see her at the hospital. Now they are all best of friends, and spend lots of time together playing and going places.

Answer 3

Hi Lil Momma!

If you are on good terms with your ex could you explain your fears to him? I'm sure if he's a good Dad he'll understand.

Whatever decision you make it's going to be tough and I don't envy you.

Maybe you could suggest that you have full custody, but he gets to have your daughter stay for a couple of nights a week (the same ones each week)?

Once she starts school you may find it better that she stays with you full-time and spends the bulk of the school holidays with her Dad anyway?

At the end of the day though if your daughter is ok with the arrangements and your ex is taking good care of her then I would keep the arrangements as they are.

If she gets upset when leaving your home after you have the baby I would then bring the subject up with her Dad.

You never know you may be worrying about nothing.

Good luck with whatever decision you both make. x

Answer 4

try getting full custody of her. prove urself by telling about how u can provide her with a more stable life and work it out with ur husband. let him have ur daughter on weekends and let him take her out once in the middle of the week. he can have more time with her that way and it will be less confusing. u r the mother after all right? a mother deserves to be with her daughter.

good luck!