I miss my children so much?

Question

Youngest is almost 18 (son) daughter is almost 21 and eldest is 28.

I got married to a guy that lived overseas 5 years ago.

You could say i left which obvioulsy i did but with a view to the younger 2 joining me.

I live in Canada, they live in UK.

Immigration was started but was not took serious and i don't think they really understood as ex husband didn't tell them too much about what was going on, they had their medicals but they never came to join me.

The 5 years have gone by, i see them about once a year, as you can see by the ages, they have grown up now.

My youngest has come to spend holidays with me over here, immigration is currently going thru altho he has said now that he is unsure about coming.

How can i ever come to terms with what has happened.

They do know i love them and i know they love me too.

I feel so guilty when i am not with them for Xmas and their birthdays.

I am thinking of seeing a psychologist to try to help me come to terms with this.

The good thing is they don't hate me, they love me very much.

Answer 1

Well it is wonderful that you still have a positive relationship with them, but you did choose this man over them at one point.  Perhaps all of you could save coins for plane tickets or something.

Answer 2

Hi there

When my sons were younger I basically had no choice but to leave them with their father.  They were much younger.  They had good lives, mind you - but due to circumstances partly beyond my control, and circumstances I had to change, - I didn't see a lot of them growing up.

I made it a point however, not to just cut off contact or lose contact, and did see them off and on, and at least on Holidays.

Today they are both in their 20's, about the same as yours, actually.

What I'm saying is that as a woman, even though we had different reasons and choices, I believe the guilt is built-in, as is the love, if you're a normal, caring parent.  Leaving them did NOT mean I didn't care, nor love them, and I tried my best to assure them, but I still am doing so.

Today I have better relationships with them, especially the youngest, - we're still dealing with how a 'mommy' could be the one to leave, etc. and all of the things they couldn't understand then.. and with help, I mean, from friends, a therapist, peers, etc. - It just gets better.

I encourage them to ask questions.. And constantly assure them of my love.

The main point for me always was to assure them that mommy would and always will be here for them.

I think Society puts a rotten label on mothers who are the ones who don't have custody of the children, and the children bear the brunt, and - Pay Attention - The "MisConceptions" that we're terrible.

It's just a matter of re-inforcing your relationship(s) with them now.

Speak to a therapist, by all means for help.  Mine told me over and over (2 of them, by the way) that I didn't exactly 'abandon' them, I gave them to their father.

Focus on the now, and keep a good line of love and communication open.  And stop beating yourself up! :)

Edit: Fri/Sat a.m. 3ish - Lady M - I Just saw this. Yes, by All means e-mail me or I will you.

Allie :)