I need HELP!! Applying for college scholarships! Can you help reword it and make it sound alot better :)?

Question

When I reach the day of graduating my post secondary education at (my college) I will not only use the things I learned to help benefit myself, I will also be trying to help out the next generation of kids and adults in the obesity crisis that has become a big problem across Canada.

While listening to the news one day, and while listening, I heard a very disturbing statisitc and it was that 12.6% of kids will not live past there parents! I then relaized something needs to done. I came to the realization that I would be the person to help reduce the obesity rise, starting in Ontario! I will start with the physcial activity and how there needs to be more in highschool, then carry onto my business venture

Knowing that our future kids may not live past us, doesn’t give me a warm feeling. Canada has done so much for me in my life at the moment, from health care, to schooling. I feel that, its time to give back to the wonderful country and its society.

Answer 1

Good for you!! Good Luck in all your endeavors! For best results you might want to get an English instructor to help you or try an online site that lets you send drafts and they reply with suggestions.

Answer 2

By the time I reach graduation day, I will not only know how to use the things I've learned to benefit myself, but will also use this knowledge to help the next generation of victims of the obesity crisis, which has become a big problem throughout Canada.

While listening to the news one day, I heard a very disturbing statistic: 12.6% of kids today will not live past their parents! After hearing this, I realized that something needs to done. I came to the realization that I could help reduce the obesity rise, starting in Ontario. My plan is to start by preaching about the necessity of physical activity, and from there will carry out my business venture.

Knowing that my future children may not live longer than I will doesn’t give me a warm feeling. Canada has done so much for me in my life up to this moment from health care to schooling. I feel that it's time to give back to this wonderful country and its society.

^Hope you like it ! I changed quite a lot; you may want to seek a balance between what you wrote and how I corrected it. Good luck!