I need a Laugh! Please tell me the funniest joke you ever heard

Question

I need a Laugh! Please tell me the funniest joke you ever heard

Answer 1

Here"s one -  

               Judge(to the accused during a hearing): After helping and providing you with all you need and after trusting you for so many years, you still have the guts to fool your friend.  

                Accused: But your Honor, how can you fool somebody who doesn't trust you?  

Answer 2

A blonde went into a grocery store and went to the produce section. She asked the clerk, "I'll take 10 tomatoes, 5 potatoes, and 3 onions, please."

The clerk said, "Well, I can get you the tomatoes and the potatoes, but I'm afraid we're all out of onions."

Then the blonde said, "OK, then I'll have 8 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 2 onions."

"No, I'm afraid you misunderstood. We're all out of onions."

"OK, then I'll have 6 carrots, 3 potatoes and one onion."

The clerk was getting pretty irritated by now. "OK, let's do this another way. If you take the "to-" out of "tomato", what do you have?"

"mato?" the blonde answered.

"Good. And if you take the "po" out of "potato", what do you have?"

"Tato?" answered the blonde.

"That's right. And if you take the f*ck out of onion, what do you have?"

The blonde said, "Wait a minute, there's no "f*ck" in onion!"

THAT'S RIGHT!" shouted the clerk. "THERE IS NO F*CK IN ONION!!"  

Answer 3

who ate a chicken in a second

Answer 4

There was a doctor,a lawyer,a priest,and the worlds smartest man.They were all on a plane together when the planes about to crash theres only 3 parachutes.The doctor said he saves lives so he needs to live then he jumps off the plane.Then the worlds smartest man says he has big inventions to show people so he jumps off the plane.So the priest says son its my time to go maybe you should jump off the plane this is my sign gods telling me to go home.Then the lawyer gives the priest a funny look and says,oh its ok we'll make it because the worlds smartest man just jumped of the plane with my bookbage

Answer 5

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

no ideer.

Answer 6

i know 3 good jokes hope you like them

3 men get captured by cannibals and the chief, who is in a good mood, gives them a chance to live. He says, "Go into the jungle and find ten fruits of the same kind, and bring them back here." Not wanting to refuse, and not quite understanding, the men go out into the jungle.

The first man comes back with ten berries. "Now," the chief says, "we will shove the fruits up your butt, and if you make any noise, we will kill you." So they do this, but on the ninth berry, the man moans, and they kill him.

The second man comes back from the forest with grapes. They tell him the same thing, and start shoving them up...he keeps his lips closed tight, but on the very last one, he bursts out laughing hysterically. Shrugging, they kill him, too.

Up in heaven, the first guy meets the second and says, "What the heck was that for?! You almost made it!"

"I know," said the second guy. "But then I saw the third guy coming out of the jungle with pineapples!"

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Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a p**s yesterday, I came three times!"

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this ones the funniest

A Black man from Africa, A white man from America, and a Chinese man from China

are all in an airplane Flying over Africa

The black man drops a pear on his country.

When the white man asks why, he says he loves his country.

Then they're flying over the US and the white man drops an apple.

When the Chinese man asks why, he says because he loves his country.

Then they're flying over China and the Chinese man drops a bomb.

When the white man and the black man ask why, he says because he hates his country.

A while later the black man is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.

He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.

The white man is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.

When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.

The Chinese man is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.

When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"

tell me if you like

Answer 7

there is a blonde woman sitting in a row boat in the middle of a feild just paddeling away.  sometime later another blonde pulls up in a minivan and yells at the blonde in the boat "You know its blondes like you that make us look bad!  if i could swim i'd come out there and kick your ***!"

Answer 8

ok i went out with a jewish girl(trues tory too by the way) and she had one of those "everyone loves a jewish girl" t shirts but she was funny though right, so on the back she put "except hitler"

Answer 9

A horse walked into a bar, and dropped his wallet.

Answer 10

Don't worry it's clean! The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had s*x together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

  

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

  

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

  

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having s*x against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious s*x that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

  

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple str uggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic s*x life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.          

Answer 11

A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine...

"You're a dumb-looking button!" "You don't have much of a future, either!" "You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!" "I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!"

Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.

"What in the heck are you doing?" her boyfriend asks.

The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads... "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".

Answer 12

ok it's kinda dirty, but i gotit in a text

There was a Pickle, a Cucumber,and a p***s

The pickle said " You know i got it bad, when i get big fat and juicy, people pick me, put me in vinager then eat me"

Then the cucumber said "no i got it wors, when i get big fat and juciy, people pick me, cut me into thin slices thow me on lettus pour dressing on me THEn eat me"

Then the Pnis said "No I got it the worst, when i get big fat and juicy, i get a rubber hat that goes all the way over my head, i get stuck into a dark hole, and I get slammed into a wall until i puke and passout"

like i said i got it in a text

Answer 13

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat @ss downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.