I need a bunch of monologues please!?

Question

They need to be teenage monologues, preferably comedic, and HAVE to be under one minute!! Thankyou!

Answer 1

CONTEXT: In this very silly spoof of fairy-tales, a bitter Wicked Witch curses the soon-to-be Sleeping Beauty.

WICKED WITCH:

So, looks like everyone is having a marvelous time. Hello, good to see you. Nice to meet you. Hi there, I’m the Wicked Witch, here’s my card. Let’s do lunch sometime. Ah, and here’s the birthday girl, surrounded by all of these gifts and her good little fairy friends. And here’s King Jonathan and Queen Jessica. You certainly invited a great number of people. But somehow you seemed to have overlooked the one person who could have been your most delightful guest. But no, no, don’t apologize. My feelings are hurt, yes, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t brought along a special gift for the princess. A brand new, never-seen-before, Curse of the Wicked Witch! “For all the tears you’ve made me shed, you’ll prick your finger on something pointy and fall down dead. And if your friends are feeling blue, in just one day they’ll drop dead too!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Runs off cackling… continues cackling looking for the exit.) How do you get out of this place? Oh – HAHAHAHAHA! (Exits.)

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CONTEXT: College-bound Vicky is an assistant-manager of a movie theater. Every geeky, dorky employee is attracted to her. Although she is amused by their attraction, she has yet to fall in love.

VICKY:

I’m the kind of girl who takes pity on poor pathetic geeks who have never kissed a girl. Let’s just say that I like someone who is easily trainable – someone who will truly appreciate me. It’s sad, I know. But hey, I’ll take an ego boost wherever I can get it. Unfortunately, these adorably nerdy boyfriends get boring after a while. I mean, I can only listen to their computer games and mathematic equations for so long. Of course, Stuart’s different in a lot ways. He’s terrible at math, for one. And he’s pretty clueless about technology. But he’s a comic book sort of geek. And a hopeless romantic. He’s pre-occupied with holding my hand. Everywhere we go, he wants to hold hands. Even when we’re driving. And he’s got this new pastime. He keeps saying “I love you.” It was so sweet and wonderful the first time he said it. I almost cried, and I’m not the kind of girl who cries easily. But by the end of the week, he must have said “I love you” about five hundred times. And then he starts adding pet names. “I love you, honey bunch.” “I love you sweet-heart.” “I love you my little smoochy-woochy-coochi-koo.” I don’t even know what that last one means. It’s like he’s speaking in some brand-new, love-infected language. Who would have thought romance could be so boring?

________

CONTEXT: In this outrageous spoof, Neverland’s 911 operator deals with some wildly imaginative “emergency situations.”

OPERATOR:

Neverland 911, what’s the emergency? You are being

kidnapped by pirates? Can you be more specific?

Which pirate is kidnapping you? Well, if he’s limping

on a peg-leg then it’s probably Long John Silver,

but if he has a hook then it’s probably Captain—oh-

He’s got a hook and a pegleg? Oh dear. Please hold.

Neverland 911, what’s the emergency? Being harassed

by mermaids? How dreadful. Please hold. Neverland

911, how can I help you? Trapped in Skull Cave?

The tide is coming in? Oh my! Please hold. Neverland

911, what’s your problem? Your rowboat’s falling apart?

And you’re being attacked by a tick-tocking crocodile?

Oh you poor dear! Please hold. Neverland 911—Hey

Thumbelina! How you doin’ girl? He did?! Why, you

need to dump that Tom Thumb. Uh-huh? Uh-huh? No,

I’m not busy. You tell me all about it!

_________

From the play: Tomorrow’s Wish.

CONTEXT: Juniper is a shy young woman with learning disabilities. She lives in a small town with her grandmother, sheltered away from most of the world. In this scene, she is talking to her cousin, Megan, about her first and only kiss.

JUNIPER:

I kissed a boy once. At least I tried.

I don’t know if it counts if they don’t

kiss back. But I tried to kiss a boy and

it almost worked. Most of the time Grandma

and I don’t get to see folks much, but we

go into town. Sometimes. And Grandma says

I just have to be careful to mind my manners,

and Grandma says I’m real good at being careful,

but sometimes I get so bored in that little

town. Only one video store. Only two churches.

And the park only has two swings and a pool

that never gets filled up anymore. But in our

little town there is a boy named Samuel.

He's a bag-boy at the grocery store. He does

it just right and never squishes the eggs.

And he has red hair and green eyes. And…

(Laughs at the memory.)

Freckles all over his face! And Samuel is so

nice. So nice to me and Gram. He would always

smile and always say “thank you” and “your welcome.”

If he says, “Have a nice day,” then you do. That’s

how good he is at his job. And I always wanted…

I always wanted to be close to him, or to talk

to him, without Gram around. And one day when

Grandma had a really bad cold I got to go to the

store all by myself. And I bought some oyster

crackers and some medicine. Then I got to watch

Samuel all by myself. Watch him do his bag boy job.

I just stared and stared, trying to count all of

those handsome freckles. Then, he asked if there

was anything else I wanted. I just whispered “Yes.”

(Pauses, closes eyes in remembrance.)

And then I grabbed him by the ears and MmmmmmmMM!

(Pretends she’s grabbing and kissing him.)

That was my first kiss. It was the most romantic

moment of my life. Until the manager pulled me off of him.