I need a good JOKE!!!!!!!!?

Question

i need to find one thats about 1 or 2 minutes long by tonight, and it has to be clean!!!!! cuz its for school, i can't find any clean jokes on the internet, so this would be great :D!!!! thanks

Answer 1

there was a murder and the police found 3 men unable to speak english. guy #1 could only say 'forks and spoons, forks and spoons'. guy #2 could only say' goody-goody gumdrops'. and guy #3 could only say 'plug it in, plug it in'.

so the police started questioning them. they asked guy #1 " what did you kill this guy with?" and guy #1 said " forks and spoons, forks and spoons.

they went to guy #2 and told him " you could go to jail for this" and guy #2 said " goody-goody gumdrops"

they finally went to guy #3 and said " you could even get put in the electric chair ". and guy #3 said " plug it in, plug it in".

Answer 2

Do you rub lotion on ur BUTT? :O

Answer 3

what do you call a fly without wings?

a walk

What do you call a spider without legs

a currant

That's all i got in the clean jokes department - soz

Answer 4

I got this from someone else in YahooAnswers, I hope they don't mind.

Computer Problem:

I was having trouble with my computer last night. So I called Eric,

the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and

asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the

problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He

replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but

nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I

need to fix it again. "Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID

ten T error before?

""No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think

you'll figure it out.

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric.............=

Answer 5

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

SIGNS YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You l**k your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

- You can jump-start your car without cables.

- Cocaine is a downer.

- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

- You don't sweat, you percolate.

- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

- Instant coffee takes too long.

- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

- You don't tan, you roast.

- You can't even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.

thanks jtawesum  =D

Answer 6

The first day of school

A boy returns from the school

Mom: how was your first day son?

Boy: fine, except for a guy called TEACHER who kept spoiling all our fun.

A teacher was asking question every Friday if you got it right you get Monday off.  1st Question ,How many fish are in the ocean? No one got so they all came back on Monday. 2nd question ,How many stars are in space. ? No one got it again so they all came back on Monday. Billy caught on so he sprayed painted to ping pong balls. Right before the teacher ask the question he rolled the balls toward her. She said okay who’s the comedian with black balls? Billy yelled "Bill Cosby . SEYA Monday. "

Answer 7

When you occasionally have a bad day and you just need to take it out

on someone, don't take if out on someone you know, take it out on someone

you Don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten

to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying

"Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin

Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that

anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed

the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up I decided to

call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled

"You're an idiot," and hung up.I wrote the number down with the word "idiot" next to it and put it in

my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying the bills or had

a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell "You're an idiot," it always

cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic "idiot"

calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is

John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're

familiar with our Caller ID Program? He yelled "NO" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said "That's because you are an idiot."

One day I was at the store getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Somen guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently

waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for the

spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a FOR SALE sign in his car window, so

I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (I had his

number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW idiot

too. I said, "Is the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the

car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes"

"Don, you're an idiot." Then I hung up, and added his number to my

speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two idiots to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it

used to be. So I came up with an idea. I called Idiot #1.

"Hello" "You're an idiot: (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed .

"Make me," I said. "Who are ! you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Idiot, I live a 1802 West 34th St., a yellow house, with my black

Beamer parked in front" He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start

saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, idiot."

Then I called Idiot #2. "Hello," he said. "Hello idiot," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are."

"You'll what" I said. "I'll beat you up," he said.

I answered, "Well, idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over right

now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived

at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was on my way over there to kill my

g*y lover. Then I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going on West 34th

St. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There I saw two

idiots beating the c**p out of each other in front of six squad cars,

a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really works.

Answer 8

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These d**n girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

XD

Answer 9

Your face.

XD

Answer 10

im glad i wasnt born in france

why's that

BECAUSE i dont speak french!

doctor help me my husband broken his leg!

but madam im only a doctor of music

nah! thats alright it was the piano that fell on him!

maidn maidn im siking!

calm down! calm down!

what are you thinking about!

teacher to a lazy boy

if you told me the answer of this question i wont ask you again

ok.

so how many hair do u have?

10009097980

how did you knw?

ahh! thats another question!

i got it from a joke book

hope u like any =)

Answer 11

A horse goes into a bar and asks for a drink.

the barman says"why the long face"

Answer 12

i love tatcats btw