I need a good joke!?

Question

any1 know some clean jokes thatl make me laugh out loud cos i cant find any desent 1s these days and i need a good laugh

Answer 1

HILARIOUS ANAGRAMS

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Microsoft Windows = Sown in discomfort

John Mayer = Enjoy harm

Belgium = Big mule

The eyes = They see

Barbie doll = Liberal bod

George Bush = He bugs Gore

Waitress = A stew, Sir?

Guinness draught = naughtiness drug

b*****s = Bra sets

The Titanic disaster = Death, it starts in ice

Apple Products = Support Placed

Western Union = No Wire Unsent

Bruce Springsteen = Creep brings tunes

Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter

vegetarian = ate in grave

graduation = out in a drag

d**k Cheney = Needy Chick

Debit card = Bad credit

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

Jennifer Aniston = fine in torn jeans

Achievements = Nice, save them

Clothespins = So Let's Pinch

Christine = Nice Shirt

Spice Girls = Pig Slices

The Cincinnati Reds = Indecent Christian

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Confessional = On scale of sin

David Letterman = Nerd Amid Late TV

Princess Diana = end is a car spin

President W = Newest Drip

Statue of Liberty = Built to Stay Free

Laxative = exit lava

Evangelist = Evil's Agent

George W Bush = he grew bogus

Beavis and Butthead = Thus, be a bad deviant

Astronomer = moon starer

Apple, Inc = Epic Plan

San Francisco Giants- Fascinating, No scars

Pre Calculus = Call up curse

Stupid Girl = Drips Guilt

madonna louise ciccone = one cool dance musician

The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

Dancing with the stars = Winners had tight acts

Sherlock Holmes = He'll mesh crooks

Frito Lay = Oily f**t

Baseball = Babes All

Christina Aguilera = Ugly Satanic Hair

Conversation = Voices Rant On

President Bush = Burnished Pest

Action man = cannot aim

The Simpson's = men's hot p**s

Year two thousand = a year to shut down

Debit card = Bad Credit

shower time = where moist

Santa Monica = satanic moan

goodbye = Obey god

ipod lover = poor devil

Narcissism = Man's crisis

Actor Sylvester Stallone = Very cool talentless star

Funeral = Real Fun

comfort is = microsoft

Hot water = Worth tea

Television programming = Permeating living rooms

Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer

Darling I love you = Avoiding our yell

The Country Side = No City Dust Here

Flamethrower = oh, felt warmer

Clint Eastwood = Old West Action

Ronald Wilson Reagan = Insane Anglo Warlord

Saddam Hussain = Humans sad side

Sheryl crow = her slow cry

Howard Stern = r****d Shown

Ladybug = bald guy

Astronomers = No more stars

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's

A Gentleman = Elegant Man

I hate school = oh so ethical

No admittance = contaminated

Microwave = Warm Voice

Austin Powers = power us satin

T.S. Eliot = toilets

A telescope = To see place

Elvis = lives

Justin Timberlake = im a jerk but listen

Mel Gibson = Big Melons

The Apple Macintosh = Machines apt to help

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Christmas = Trims cash

The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil

Schoolmaster = The classroom

A shoplifter = has to pilfer

listen = silent

Chemistry = ****, me cry

Gene Simmons = Immense Song

A Domesticated Animal = Docile, as a Man Tamed it

Garbage Man = Bag Manager

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

George Bush and d**k Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me."

Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they're only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street.

Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See! This guy is really stupid."

George Bush agrees. "He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.  The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.

"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.

"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.

"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

Answer 2

Just hanging around on yahoo answers should give you a laugh or two. 2 I really like:

I am building a moat around my house to keep my mother-in-law out. What do you think I should put in it? And don't say sharks, they're illegal in Canada.

What do you think Oprah's chances are of becoming a p**n star?

Answer 3

The CIA accidentally nuked Y!A and Shambo, Old Know All and Skinny Kid found themselves in h**l, being led along a corridor by the devil.

They came to a door which the devil threw open and there was a room full of flames.  "Shambo the Munificent" said the devil, "for all the sins you have committed whilst on Earth, you will burn forever in the fiery furnace.  The devil chucked Shambo in and locked the door.

They came to a second door and inside was a huge caldron surrounded by little devils with pitchforks.  "Sebastian Pinkwhistle the Old Know All" said the devil, "for all the sins you have committed whilst on Earth, you will spend eternity boiling in oil and being tormented by demons." He chucked him in and locked the door.

He led Skinny Kid along to a third door, opened it, and inside was a huge four poster bed with red satin sheets.  Chained to one of the posts, stark naked was Fearne Cotton.  The devil said "Fearne Hermione Cotton, for all the sins you have committed while on Earth ..."

Answer 4

don't know about decent but my mum sent me this the other day....I've just spent £100 on 8 legs of venison.Is that two deer.

Answer 5

i got one.

a family dies and goes to heaven.there is a 7 yr old called john. an 18 yr old called michael.and the 2 parents who r both like 40yrs old.there names dont matter. after a while being up in heaven .

john:so this is where babys come from.

michael:yes john this is where babys come from.(john turns to his mom)

john:mom

mom:yes honey

john:U SAID I CAME OUT OF YOUR PHIGYNA!

Answer 6

I know a good joke - Gordon Brown!

Answer 7

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and s***w? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to s***w; she'll s***w all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'

Answer 8

A man walks into a bar...

and says....

..to his friends about a time he walked into a club..

and asked "Whos Golfing?"

*punchline drum*

Answer 9

umm i have a corny one:

a black couple go out to red lobster, and the women is curious where their relationship is at. so she asks: where are we?

and the man replies: we're  at red lobster B****!

Answer 10

Irish lad and Jewish girl making love.The Irish lad says"you ain't very tight for a Jew".The Jewish girl says"you ain't very thick for a paddy.

Answer 11

Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.

Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who plays with self, pulls *****.

Baseball all wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.

Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Man who plays with self pulls *****.

Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep sh*t.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who suck woman's t*t make clean breast of things.

Man who walk in middle of road get run over by bus.

Wife not part of furniture, until screwed on bed.

Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who **** in cash register come into money.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag.

Man who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.

Man who drive like h**l, bound to get there.

Man trapped in pantry have *** in jam.

Don't sweat the petty stuff ... and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.

Man who scratches *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.