I need a lot help with my dad....?

Question

My dad and I have been at odds for a little over a year but recently it's been getting pretty out of hand. He's 41and I'm 13. A couple months ago a friend and I decided that we were going to go to Busch Gardens the weekend I ended work that just so happened to be this weekend. My dad said he would take us because it was the perfect opportunity for him to spend time with my mom my sister and my bro. Then recently he said no. absolutely not. I asked why and he said this:

You treat me with disrepect

I don't hear the 'disrepctfull' tone in my voice that he talks about.

The he said:

You always demand so much and never give back

So I told him that I gave back plenty. I donated 150 hours to volunteer work this summer. And so he told me that I didn't give back to him.

Wtf, is he joking? I don't give back to him? That had to be the most selfish thing I had ever heard! of course I didn't tell him that.

He then told me that since I always demand so much from him but never give back in return then he simply wasn't going to do anything for me and I had to do everything for him! Isn't that considered child neglect or child abuse or something.

He yelled at me again and me clean the house and "depending on my attitude tomorrow depends on wheather or not I had to clean my brothers bathroom/bedroom" I don't get it. I tried to be nice but he told me I was ***hole (no lie) I tried just to ignore him and only answer his questions and he told me I was being disrespectfull and to "change my tone" he decided I deserved nothing and it was "all about him".

I'm so confused, how can I get him to cool off? and how can I earn back my trip with my friend? I'm so stuck...

sorry If I'm coming off as a brat, I'm not trying to, oh and how can I watch the tone in my voice so it doesn't sound "snotty and disrespectfull" because I can't hear it....

I need help

Please please please help

I'm so miserable.

Thanks for all the answers

Answer 1

I don't have any good answers for you.  It sounds like he's going off the deep end, power-tripping, and -- from what you've said here -- you don't seem particularly out of line.  Maybe talk to your mom/brother, they must have some idea what's going on and can provide a 3rd-party POV to tell you if you're actually sounding disrespectful or not.

In my house we never called each other a$$holes or anything like that.  Plainly put, it's not respectful.

As for the cleaning the bro's bathroom -- I bet it's filthy -- I would just shut up and get it taken care of.  If you don't do a very good job, he will probably come back and tell you it's not good enough, just to mentally dominate you -- just clean it harder.  He may even sit there, watch, demonstrate for you (while you can't see the difference) and tell you you are good for nothing, you can't even clean a bathroom, if that's the case, he just wants to break you down and see you cry.  What you do then is up to you but I want you to remember you will always be worth something and this too will pass.

If your dad pulls this c**p all the time, all I can say is it's going to be another 5 years of h**l but you have a long life ahead of you, you can get through this.  Get a job and a cheap place to crash and you can get the h**l out from under that roof.  You have the rest of your life to look forward to.

Answer 2

I totally understand the attitude thing. They can hear disrespect in your voice, even if you can't. I don't even know how to control it. The best thing for you to do would be to not speak to much, and when you do, think ahead and speak evenly. Tomorrow, or today, do the dishes or vacuum. Make your bed, clean your room. Ask your father if he wants anything. Ask him what he wants you to do. Tell him you're sorry, even if you don't know what you did. Trust me, it makes it easier. If you have a 'talk', just say whatever he wants to hear, even if you disagree. You have to just do whatever he wants. Don't complain and don't make a face or sigh. Just stay quiet..

Answer 3

If this behaviour by your father was sudden then maybe something happened in his life that you are unaware of. Parents often get tough when they are themselves are put under pressure by external factors. Maybe your mom said something to him about not coming! Your father is behaving as though he feels unloved. Adults have needs too. Just because he is your parent doesn't mean he has all the answers and can cope.

Answer 4

My guess is maybe a couple of things you do or don't do coupled with something else in his life just set him off...you just happened to be around when he got mad...it's tough being 13...and tougher being 41.  Try and think of little things he asks you to do and do them without him reminding you...and sometimes, a sad puppydog face and a simple apology (even if you don't know what for) works.

Answer 5

talk to your mom

Answer 6

a)    no one can hear their disrespectful tone of voice.  only others can hear that

b     so you volunteer outside the home, do you do anything AT HOME?   that is way different than working for someone else.   that is the house you live in, the ones you call family.  they shouldn't be left out because others need help.  

c)     has he had a bad time at work?  it can be hard to have a bad work day, come home to a disaster of a house and then hear someone say they volunteered to help someone else.  

is he not worthy of  a helping hand every now and then?   Unless he is asking for unreasonable actions from you and your brother, maybe he has a point.    

so to sum things don't dont take his anger personally, and give him a hand just like you do when you are out volunteering.