I need a quick monologue, not shakespeare for a class!?

Question

It just has to be between 1-2 minutes, just copy/paste it here please, do not post a link. I need this now!

Answer 1

A Girl's Guide to Chaos

By Cynthia Heimel

Downtown New York, the 1980s. Cynthia contemplates her future, just after catching her ex-boyfriend and her best friend, making out in her kitchen.

CYNTHIA:

The realization hits me heavily, like a .44 Magnum smashing into my skull. My heart starts beating with a quick dread and my blood freezes in my veins. My stomach does backflips. The ordeal I am about to face is one of the most chilling, grisly, and macabre experiences known to woman.

Dating. I will have to start dating again.

Please, God, no, don't make me do it! I'll be good from now on, I promise! I'll stop feeding the dog hashish! I'll be kind, thoughtful, sober, industrious, anything. But please, God, not the ultimate torture of dating.

That's why I stayed with him for so long, probably. I couldn't stand going through it all again. Sure, he might be a trifle wild and intractable, I kept telling myself, but at least I know I'll get laid tonight, and tomorrow night. At least someone will go to the movies with me and not try to hold my hand.

Hand-holding. The WORST thing about dating. It's the most nerve-wrecking experience! Once I start holding hands, I'm afraid to stop. If I pull my hand away, will he think I'm being cold, or moody? Should I squeeze his hand and kind of wiggle my fingers around suggestively? Or is that too forward? What if my hand is clammy? A clammy hand is more offensive than bad breath or right-wing politics! A clammy hand means you're a lousy lay! Everybody knows that!

And what, dear spiteful God, will I wear?

Answer 2

I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!

[In a firm tone]

M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna *hit* something! I wanna *hit it hard*!

[continues sobbing]

Clairee: *Here*!

[Grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]

Clairee: *Hit this*! Go ahead M'Lynn, *slap her*!

Ouiser Boudreaux: [Taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?

Clairee: *Hit her*!

Ouiser Boudreaux: *Are you high, Clairee*?

Ouiser Boudreaux: [In a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?

Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!

Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enoough!

Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!

Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o' me!

Clairee: M'LYNN, YOU JUST MISSED THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME! HALF O' CHIQUAPIN PARISH'LL GIVE THEIR EYE-TEETH TO TAKE A WHACK O' OUISER!

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M'Lynn: I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.

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Answer 3

I have done some research on places on the internet where you can find monologues of all types, including teen monologues, monologues for girls, women, men, comical monologues, short comedic monologues, etc. I also answer a lot of questions about how to effectively memorize a monologue as well as about common mistakes that actors often make while performing a monologue for an audition. On this page on my site for new and aspiring actors, you will find all that information including links to the types of monologues you are looking for. http://www.actingcareerstartup.com/comic...

Good luck in your audition.

Tony