I need advice for my complicated situation!!?

Question

I just found out my father had a affair. He confessed to my mother, and to my knowledge he is still seeing her (they work together). He has made a total mess of this family, name calling, harrassing, to me and my husband, my sister and her fiance, and worse to my mother all because he has a affair, and we are having a hard time accepting it.

I am 30 now, my mother left him 3 weeks ago and is staying with me.

I have such ill feeling towards him, we were not close growing up, and now hes looking for me to support him. The worse part of all of this is I have 2 baby girls ages 2 and 9 months, when I asked him his reason for having a affair, he told it was because when I had kids it took my mom away from him, she was helping me too much, and wasnt getting the attention he needed from her.

How should I treat him? I hate him!! he has made me feel like this is my fault. I know he will eventually want to see the girls (even thou its been a month) How do I handle this??

Answer 1

would you tell your daughters about an affair that you were having?  Is and your mothers married life really isn't any of your business.  They are adults and they have to work that out by themselves what ever they decide to do.

The part about your father being a jerk about the situation and trying to blame it on you and making you and your sister miserable because of it well that is just wrong.  There is no way that you or your sister and your families are responsible for your father's actions.  He needs to grow up and deal with the situation that he created.  You are a grown woman tell your father that he needs to take care of his own life and marriage with out trying to blame any one else for the mess that he has made.

Above all else remember that these are your parents and you can't be objective about this no matter how hard you try.  And try not to get your self into a position where you need to take sides or pass judgment on your parents.  It is not a good place to be and your relationships may never recover from it.

Answer 2

nobody made him go behind your mother's back, see a woman in private, touch her, kiss her, taking off his clothes and having an affair with her. nobody made him do this, and the worst part is that he KNEW what he did was wrong but he did it anyway. if he was so concerned about your mother's attention, he should have just been a man and talked to her about it. people are just so stupid these days, if they dont get their way, cheating is always the answer instead of just talking it over.

its not your fault, your dad is probably either shameful or is just looking for somebody to blame. even when by 3 weeks he has not apologized or seen that what he had done was wrong instead of trying to defend himself, i would not have anything to do with them. he purposely hurt the famliy, so why should you be invovled in his life.

Answer 3

Don't contact him. Block his number from your house. He will have to make an actual effort to contact you if he wants a relationship with you. I would ask your sister if she is interested in doing the same. He thought family life was a burden -- now he's free.

I'm sorry you all are going through this but he is going to have to be at the bottom of his life before he comes back and possibly makes an actual effort with you all to be a good dad at long last.

Or maybe he won't.

I think the place of pride is to block his number and maybe email. If he wants to contact you, he can take the trouble to write a letter.

And yes, his reason is an excuse. He could have worked on his marriage with your mother, taken her out on dates, taken care of the girls along with her but no, he had to make an immature choice.