I need advice if this poem is bad?

Question

On the small hill, lay,

Looking at the sky

The hill down to earth,

The sky way out

Things of this earth, like the tide

From birth, move along the shore

Waters of ground

Controlled by the moon

Moon that night, no free will

False windmill

Powered by gears, not wind

Working gears, no free will

One has to ask, them self

If blame is always on above,

Will anything be done?

One has to ask, them self

When they will leave the excuses

And take responsibility

Answer 1

It sounds like Jibberish

sorry

Answer 2

waters controlled by the moon?...writing a poem doesn't meen writing bull that u think sounds good too gether..so i thought it was pointless

Answer 3

don't listen to the haters.  look up language poetry ;)

Answer 4

I don't mean to hurt your feelings but I really don't quite see what you're trying to say in this poem.

Although some lines are good ,it needs a lot of work.

Answer 5

ok "that night no free will "didnt click in my head right ...no fluidity to the way that is added at the end of some rather beautiful imagery.

i dont really like the use of "false windmill" perhaps another phrase could help that line ...i get the gears no will ,powered like a robot emotionless ,but false ?

that word didnt fit for me.

"always on above " perhaps if you take a godly stance you couldve said :"from above " that'd make more sense and add to the element of forces of heaven from above .

no comma needed between :"one has to ask themself" as it may flow more naturally if left out.

ok negative out of the way now to what i did  like.

i loved most of your descriptive language ,it was strong and painted a clear image of what your message was [the ability to face up to what we do rather than deny it ].

its a great poem just work on your language [dont overuse it...a little is enough ....not too much you will lose the reader but not too little as it will seem dissolved and uninteresting].

i wish you goodluck and if you redo it post it again :)

[btw i understand if you think what can i really have to say thats serious because i dont use my capitals ,punctuation ,etc, in my posts i just cant be bothered at the end of a long day of school or work to -but i do know how to ]  

Answer 6

thought is there..i got it.. :P

Answer 7

I can't quite figure out your point

is this a poem about free-will

and being controlled or the earth

any way its good but lacks a certian

rythm the sort of thing that makes you think

poem and envokes an emotion...but keep

working you'll get it.

Answer 8

its pretty good i could read that everyday and not get bored of it

good luck

Answer 9

it is pretty good.but in the presentation in poem form it shoud have more clanity.in its form also it requires betterment.h'ever the thought is praise worthy.u have a luck of getting good thoughts.develop the knack and art of presentation also.keep on trying..wish u luck

Answer 10

Lacks cadence