I need advice regarding an incident that took place between my son and another child (involves abuse)?

Question

3 years ago, my son (who was 4 at the time) admitted to me that he was sexually abused by his so-called friend (who's 3 years older than him). It came up unexpectedly and I was devasted. He gave me very specific details and although there was no "penetration" involved, I was still horrified. I spoke with the boy's mother regarding this and she broke down crying, telling me that the same thing had happened to her son (the other boy) when he was younger. I never reported this incident to the police or DSS, but forbade my son to have any further contact with the child. Since then, this boy has been bullying my son. Also, my son's bike was stolen yesterday and this kid was found riding it. His grandfather (a very young one) claimed his grandson would never do such a thing, but I feel otherwise. He also implied that my son could've "fabricated" the whole story regarding the sexual abuse and I have no right to tell other parents about it if there's no proof. What should I do?

Answer 1

It is a very hard decision to make, but the best course of action will be to contact the police.  This is a situation that can not and should not be worked out between the two families.  It is a gurantee that the older boy's relatives will likely end up hating you, but because he was also abused, this is a cycle of abuse that must stop now.  It is horrible to imagine, but your son is at a high risk to do something to another child.  Sexual abuse is rarely about s*x, but almost always about control.  The fact that your son's abuser is now bullying him is an indication that he is suffering from fear, lack of self-esteem, and anger issues all likely relating to his own abuse.  After you contact the police then you will also want to call and talk to your son's doctor.  He/she will probably want to do a physical exam to check for any trauma your son's body may have suffered plus give you a referral to a child psychologist who specializes in sexual abuse cases.  I don't necessarily agree that the young grandfather is the one who abused his grandson, but I would rather lean towards his denial is simply the natural tendency to not want to believe your family is defective in any way.  While it is possible for children to make up some pretty good "tall tales", stories involving things of sexual nature are most typically indicative of abuse or an inappropriate exposure to things of sexual nature such as a p**n channel, movies, or witnessing something in his life.  I would avoid telling too many the story for right now as the extent of the abuse and all the facts have not been reviewed.  A family can be devastated by a false accusation - not to say your son is making anything up, but there are issues to be sorted out plus the fact that your son's abuser is a victim as well deserves some privacy, too.  Any further incidences of stealing or abuse should be reported to the police and not be handled directly with the other family.  Both boys are in need of counseling to get through this.  It may seem at times as though your son as well as the older boy are not affected by the abuse, but it likely fills their thoughts frequently and in time it will come to define who they think they are.  A professional needs to help them work through this.  I suggest you contact the local police.

Answer 2

This is a tough situation, and sad for both your son and the other child. I'm thinking that the grandfather might have molested the kid, since he's in denial. That's a common thing among abusers. I think you need to have another long talk with this boy's mom, and keep in mind how horrible it is for her too. Just work it out with her. Remember that were dealing with kids, and even though what the little kid did was wrong, it's hard for him to understand what's normal and what's not after the incident. Both kids might need to talk to a counselor. I wish for the best in this situation.

Love Haleigh<3

Answer 3

call DSS - if the mother admitted it, maybe the truth will come out.  Poor boys, both of them!

Answer 4

I would call the police about the bike being stolen and dss about the abuse.  Something isn't right with this boy and there is no other way to stop it from happening again.

Answer 5

If the child was only 4 when it happened how could the child make it up.. They don't know that kind of stuff..Not at that age..

Answer 6

With the other circumstances you describe, I'd say report the matter to the police and let them handle it, even at this late date (there's usually no statute of limitations in such cases).  

Police and prosecutors nearly always assume that a 7 year old is telling the truth about such things, by the way, despite "grandpa's" confidence to the contrary.

"Playing doctor" is normal and generally harmless, even with a 3 year age spread, but the other stuff indicates that this boy has a serious problem beyond "s*x play" and needs professional intervention.  The charge of sexual abuse is a good place to start.

As far as your boy and the incident from 4 years ago, I wouldn't worry about it.  Kids don't have s*x drives at that age, and being touched, even aroused, doesn't mean to them what it does to adults.  Unless threats or violence are involved, there usually are no after effects.

Answer 7

First you need to report this...What if this child does the same thing to another child???  I really hope you got your son therapy for this because I am sure the last thing you want is for him to think he did something wrong.   Obviously ignoring that this incident happened isn't helping the situation.  I really urge you to go to the police and make out a report because your son could be at risk.  A 4 year old is not going to make that story up whether this grandfather wants to believe it or not.  I know it may be hard on your son to dredge all of this up again but something has to be done before others get hurt.

I absolutely agree with sevenofus.  There is a chance that your child could be at risk of doing this to other...(praying that doesn't happen).  It is best to stop the cycle before it continues any further.  I also agree this isn't an issue that should be delt with between families.  Both are going to be looking out for their own and no real progress can be done through that.  Good luck my prayers are with you and your family during this very hard time.

Answer 8

As so much time has gone by with the sexual abuse thing, you may have a hard time proving it. Have you spoken to the mother regarding the bullying. Other than you moving away from the area it's difficult to know what to say. But definitely try speaking to the parents first or if the children attend the same school see the Head

Answer 9

it sounds like to me that maybe the grandfather was the one doing it.

you need to report it to dss. I know you would hate to get the other boy in trouble or anything like that, specially since they were both so young, but obviously there is a problem, and you have to protect your child.

and if everything is true, would you want to take the chance that you son would follow the cycle of being molested, and then molesting someone else?

Answer 10

First of all, it's extremely common for kids to engage in that kind of activity with one another, especially if one was treated in that way by someone else because then they believe it to be perfectly normal.  I imagine both of them were probably quite innocent about it and didn't realise anything other than that it felt like fun.

I think the best thing to do is to act as if it's not a big deal (you don't want to cause any feelings of guilt about this in either one, believe me) while also saying that it's not something that they should do.  Maybe tell them it's something they keep for when they're older or something like that.  The idea is to stop them doing it without making it some kind of "forbidden fruit" while also making sure that neither of them feels as if they are perverted or evil or guilty about it.  They didn't know the gravity of what they were doing and punishing them will only cause sexual-related trauma that may cause issues for them when they grow up and before that too.

As for the bullying, it probably has nothing to do with this.  I'd say you need to deal with it as a separate incident and this generally involves informing the teachers and the bullies gaurdians who should tell him it's not acceptable and try to get him to empathise with others so that he thinks about their feelings before he does anything.  Tell your son to inform you of any complaints.

Regarding the grandfather, I'd imagine he's being protective.  He probably just doesn't want his grandson implicated or embarrassed.  Whether right or wrong, approach this diplomatically.  Your aim is to prevent the bullying so don't attack the bully's parents who will probably feel mortified that their son is like that.  Negotiate with them peacefully how best to manage his behaviour and keep an eye on him.

I don't think you should go to the police or anything like that about the sexual "abuse" as they were both minors and it wouldn't do anything but embarrass them both.  Just ensure that it's not in danger of happening again and that your son has a healthy attitude to s*x and that he doesn't harbour any guilt or unhealthy feelings about it.

I hope this helps.  All the best.

EDIT:  I see some of the other answers are jumping to conclusions about the grandfather.  Other than that he seems to be being defensive about his grandson, that is a very careless and foundless (from your details) accusation and not one that you should ever consider without a sign of some kind.  Given that the older kid's mum knows about what happened to him before, she probably knows who it was.  It would be an awful thing to plant suspicion on an innocent man.