I need advice to get over the past...?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and we have been married for about 1 year. We are expecting our first child together in December. I am 20 and my husband is 19. On the weekend of August 15th-17th, we went on a family camping trip and and a very big secret was exposed. He let it come out that when he was 7 years old he slept with with his 10 year old adopted first cousin. I understand that it isn't incest for the face that they aren't blood related and that he was too young to probably even know what he was doing, but i cant help but fell like i was betrayed because i found out on accident. He had no intentions of telling me. After all of the time we have been together and now especially that we are married i thought i could have been the one person he could tell anything to. I also have befriended his cousin, and now i feel like i don't want to be around her. I was extremely shocked and i felt very betrayed and i know my emotions are going crazy right now because of this pregnancy, so what i need is for advice. What would you have done? How would you have felt? Am i overreacting? I don't want this to hurt our relationship. I don't want to leave him for something he did 12 years ago. But i cant help but feel hurt by him not coming a directly telling me. Please help me!! I am going crazy!

Answer 1

People relate what is important to them. If this incident wasn't important to him, then he may not have thought to mention it to you.

Unless there's a chance that he has AIDS or some other serious sexually-transmitted disease from this incident, I suggest you forget about it and don't even think about it in the future.

Part of trust is being able to accept someone else's priorities as good for them--and you.

Answer 2

Hypnotism

Answer 3

have some s*x with him... but not hard just A little under the cover make out action

Answer 4

Realize... how was he supposed to come out and tell you.....?  

HE WAS 7!!  so relax a little bit.  

I know you are overwhelmed with emotions and can't seem to get it out of you mind.. but you will have to tell yourself its funny...

Imagine it were you... imagine how you would feel... maybe he was embarrassed about it and didnt want to tell you...out of fear of rejection.  He is obviously not a bad guy, and it is almost time to begin your family together.

Try to convince yourself its funny... try teasing him about it...

i think you will realize its really not a big deal... s*x is a natural and healthy thing... and as a kid curiosity gets you into some trouble... trust me it could have been worse.

Take a deep breathe and put the thoughts away.

Answer 5

counseling hun

Answer 6

You are certainly not overreacting.. it is rather a strange secret to keep... but all i can say is that you need to remember this was so long ago. At 7 he wouldnt have understood what he was doing.. Perhaps councelling would be a good idea.. talk to him, ask him, tell him how your feeling.. You can get through this, just communicate and remember the fact it was a life time ago when he was a little boy who wouldnt have known what he was doing. As for keeping it a secret, he was probably extremely embarressed about it, which is completely understandable. Good luck.  

Answer 7

You are overreacting. As you point out, what happened is hardly a matter of any significance since they were just kids and it wasn't incest. So why would they consider that it was something which might matter to tell you. And since it didn't just involve him, then why should he bring up something which involves his cousin's business.

You can't know everything which happened in another person's life unless you lived it, so it is only natural that they aren't going to tell you everything because there isn't enough time to time you everything. Nor are they going to recall everything or even consider some things to be noteworthy to mention. And there are going to be things which aren't just their business, so they don't have the right to necessarily tell you about that.

Answer 8

forgive him.Time will heal those pain. Don't leave him for a small matter that happen 12 years ago.You shall not live the past;live in the present. Forget the bad thing about the past.PRAY TO GOD FOR ANSWER!!!!!!!

Answer 9

I would highly advise that due to your reaction, that you seek some marital counseling, however, I must say, that he was 7 yrs old!  This sounds like a case up unsupervised children playing dr..   No offense, but get a grip! "Secrets" come out when our trust grows..

Answer 10

I think ninetynine4one took care of it pretty well.

Answer 11

Ok you really need to talk to him about how your feeling. Tell him everything and see what he has to say. It was 12 years ago it was the past. I'm sure it was something very embarrassing he probally did not want you to look at him like he was disgusting. He just didnt want you to look at him any different. It sounds alot worse then it really is if he would have told you. He most likely feels ashamed of it himself and doesnt want to ever think about it again... The stress your going thru right now is nothing compared to the shame that he probally feels about it. Dont worry about it.. ITS THE PAST. The fact that he didnt tell you was just because he loves you and doesnt want to lose that for something that happened 12 years ago..

Everything is Ok and everything is Good.

Everything is going to be ok..

PS: just talk to him.. he wants to know how you feel about it.

Answer 12

How about counselling.

Answer 13

Okay well this is a hard one. While he probably should have told you, I wouldn't leave him over that though. It is a weird thing, and probably a touchy subject for him, and I can understand why he didn't tell you. You want to get over the past, but this didn't happen to you. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Think about what it took for HIM to get over it since he's the one it happened to. 7 years old is quite young. Are you sure the person you heard it from isn't making it up? It is possible, however so if it's true, I would just let it go... kids are curious, they'll do things like that. I'm sure you've done things in your childhood you probably wish you didn't do. I hope this helps ^_^

Answer 14

If he is in love with you then you are the one person he can tell everything too. Maybe he is just ashamed of that... I have things in my past I am ashamed of and I know that even if you have someone you love you may not tell them things cause when you do it's like slapping yourself in the face. It hurts when you have to admit something you would rather keep buried. It sounds like he is just so ashamed of it that he didn't want to tell you because he didn't want to tell himself again. Some things in the past are best left secret, not for others, but for yourself. Things like that eat us alive cause knowing of what we did means we have to face it. Facing our darkest demons is never easy to do... I am sure he loves you, he is just so ashamed at himself that he cant stand to tell you because he feared you would have the same hate for him as he does for himself. He only wants your love.

Answer 15

He was 7...he didn't even have hair down there yet.  It was likely a weird situation where two immature people did something they didn't quite understand.  He is likely somewhat embarrassed and probably didn't tell you because it is irrelevant now and he doesn't want to talk about it or answer questions about it.  He also probably doesn't want it to affect your relationship with his cousin.

You should look at it as a stupid prank of children and forget about it.  I highly doubt that either of them has (or ever had) sexual feelings for the other.  You are pregnant and both of you love each other...do yourself a favor and let this one pass.

Answer 16

Think about the worst thing you have ever done or you deepest darkest secert and don't say you don't have one casue everyone does!Now think of him finding out how would that make you feel times that by 5 ( casue you could not really feel the true pain that would cause you) thats kinda how he feels.You can't blame him for something he did so long ago and I know it hurt you but hurts him more.you should not dwell on this all it will do is cause you bitterness towards him.I know its going to be hard but you need to forgive him even if he did ot ask you to .

Answer 17

he probably didnt tell you before because he didnt wont to hurt you, not because he didnt trust you, i think you are reacting a little bit, because he obv didnt know what he was doing and you're emotions are goin a lil crazy becvause of this pregnancy, how did u react when he told you, you dont want him thinking it as a mistake to tell you. otherwise he would of wished he would of never told and you'd know that. so i wouldnt be to worried. everything is ok now and he really loves you obviously. he could of waited until he was 30 years old! you never know but at least now he has told you. not later. you are also both young and he must be confused of when the right time to tell you is also too. he is probably more embarresed too then not trusting you. respect the fact that he has told you now. but do also make him aware that u feel a bit uncomfortable with it. but also reasure him that you dont want anything to go wrong with the relationship. and also tell him that you want to make sure has no other secrets and tell him that you want to know them other wise u feel a bit unrespected and not trusted by him. dont get to worried about it. i'm sure it will be ok. i bet you have asked yahoo answers about this behind his back to. so you have a secret to,.

think about it.

hope i helped you. :D

Answer 18

girl that was years ago...he was just spiting dust back then like u say he probably didnt know what he was doing, but hey the were kids get over it. he probably wanted to leave the past in the past but had no choice but to tell you during the trip he may have felt it wasnt a big deal to tell u

Answer 19

that was a long time ago girl way in the past get ova it and move on

Answer 20

The wierd thing is the age that he did it. 7???? Most boys of that age think girls have cooties!  Maybe the cousin seduced him.

This apparently happened very long time ago, possibly when your husband was too young to realize what's going on. Talk to your husband about your feelings regarding his adopted cousin. Maybe you should stay away from her for awhile.  

Answer 21

Tell him how you feel first

Honestly it was 12 years ago its ok to be upset but its not worth overeating

i understand where your coming from but just remember you love him and he might have just forgotten or didn't feel that it was that important to inform you just sit down and talk and calm down everything will be ok.

Answer 22

Just forget you even heard of it. It was in the past and i guarantee he didnt know what he was doing. He probably didnt want to tell because he was ashamed of it or maybe it never really crossed his mind until then.  

Answer 23

Well, I would never try and undermine your pain and confusion, especially since you are pregnant. So let's choose the battles accordingly. You say he did this when he was 7? That was a lifetime ago, AND he was a child with no reasoning or morals and values (possibly since they are still forming and developing then) Maybe he is ashamed of this and decided not to tell you. I personally would let it go. After all, he was a child. Assuming all else in the relationship is going well, then love him and your soon to be new baby, move on with your life and have a wonderful little family together. After all, life is to short to be looking for trouble when there really isn't any. I wish you the best of luck sweetie!