I need another birthmom to talk to...?

Question

Im 38 wks pregnant and my child is being adopted by the most amazing people ever. They can not have children at all. (Both have issues medically that make then unable) I know im doing a great thing but some people can be so weird about the situation. Like oh your giving up your child..etc. I guess I just need someone to talk to about how they ignored people like that. I have tons of support from my family but some people are just ignorant.

Answer 1

you are amazing dear!

Answer 2

Its your choice for whatever your reasons are you have decided to give your baby a chance at life and for that we thankyou.

Answer 3

There is no way to get around the ricidule that you will endure.  Even now, almost three years after placing a child for adoption with infertile wonderful people, the thing I hear most often is "you gave your baby away - that's awful."  Not everybody will recognize adoption for the beauty it holds.  I would suggest - this helped me ALOT - talking to the woman that is going to adopt your baby.  I spent time talking to Karla - the woman that adopted Cassie (and I know that they are a couple, but you will connect with the woman on another level).  I connected her in a special way that gave me straegnth - Me, a woman who could concieve but could not keep my child, and her, a woman who could not concieve, would receive a child.

Also - Keep this in mind - I wrote it for my daughter the day she was born.

Angels walk among us,

This I know is true.....

For nine months I carried you inside me

Waiting anxiously for your arrival

Just to look into your eyes and lay beside you

I knew I could not keep you

I knew you were not meant for me.........

God's given gifts are for us to share

For it is much better to give then receive

So, I prayed to him for guidance, please show me the way

He sent an Angel to help me and assure me it would be ok

I placed you in her arms and with her you will learn to fly

Through lifes long journey, she will be your guide

My eyes filled with tears and like the rain I cried

But they were tears of joy, love, happiness

and most of all great pride

Though you may not see me

I am with you all the time.......

The warmth you feel from the sunshine

Are my arms wrapped around you

hugging you filling you with joy

You will glow from the inside

The rain that falls upon your face

Will be the tears I cry

Not tears of sorrow

But of joy and pride

The breeze that brushes across your cheek

Well, that's me,

kissing and tasting your skin

so soft and sweet

The butterflies in your stomach,

you thought were your nerves

That is me telling you

"You can do it, I have faith in you"

One day I hope you will understand why I did what I did

Not because I didn't Love you

But because you were and still are special to me

I only wanted for you to have the world

And everything you could desire

So, when I prayed to God for help

It was an Angel he sent to me.......

Yes my daughter, two mothers God gave to you

One to give you life

and to share with someone who could not do the same

But, deserved to have such a gift

And God had given me one to give

I know you will Love me for the chance I have given you

I will only ask that in return

You grow up to be a beautiful woman,

share your gifts with the world

Return the Love your Angel gives you

And know that in spirit

I am always at your side.

If you need someone to talk to, email me.

Answer 4

I am a mom of three boys. I was adopted and have since met my birthparents (when I was 19). They were young and not together and they did the best thing for me. I grew up not needing anything, or with any negative experience because I had parents that were ready to have a baby and had the means to take care of one. Hats off to you. You are doing the most selfless thing by sacrificing your own feelings and desires for your child. Someday, your child will thank you for loving him or her enough to let them go to someone who was prepared and ready, not only financially but emotionally. You will be able to have your own children if you want them later in life when you are ready and be able to give them what they need. Dont ever regret it. Your child will have a good life and someday you will be able to tell them why and how much you love them. Good job.

Answer 5

I am a mother of 5 and just went through this 8 months ago and know how you feel. You are doing something great for these people and for your child. I just ignored them. It hurts sometimes but I knew what I was doing was for the best and just sometimes have to let ignorant people be that way.

Answer 6

While I have never been in your situation, I think you are to be commended for what you are doing. Don't worry about what others think of you. Only you know what is best in your situation. Keep your head up and Good luck!

Answer 7

it takes more love to give a baby to someone who can give it every chance in life that it deserves your child is very lucky to have someone who loves it so much i admire you and your unselfish act of love, and i have 3 children of my own and am in the process of adopting a baby

Answer 8

If this is what you want then who cares what others think. your not just thinking about yourself but that unborn child.I commend you on your decision

Answer 9

First off..you are not giving your baby up for adoption...you are placing your child for adoption.

I went through the same thing you are going through now, just it was 17 years ago.

Just say to these people that it is your choice and that you are giving your baby more than you could ever give her right now by placing it for adoption.

I just pretty much ignored ignorant people.

Answer 10

Giving up a child because you are not financially, emotionally ready, etc. is a wonderful and SELFLESS thing to do.  Hats off to you.

Answer 11

I think what you are doing is Great! I have family who can't have kids and they are really going through a hard time with all of it. You could have took the easy way out and had an abortion but you are a strong woman for giving the baby a chance and making a couple parents! It is so awsome. Just ignore people they are going to talk about everyone no matter what it is. You can wear a purple shirt and someone will find something wrong with it, you can't let othier's make you feel bad.Good Luck with everything I applaude you for your decision

Answer 12

there should be some support groups in your area.........

If not, look for them on here...............I have adopted a child and would love to adopt another but the fact is,,,,,,,,it is very hard to give a child to someone to raise and it is amazing that people don't see that.........

My child is told about how two different people love him............

hope it helps

Answer 13

I placed my daughter for adoption shortly after she was born (I was 16 y/o). The adoption was closed, so the assumption was that I would never know anything about her or her family that could identify them. In spite of this, I held on to my faith that I would see her again. When she was 21, she found me on an internet adoption reunion site. After we knew for sure that she was my daughter, she wrote to me, "Thanks for what you did; I've had a wonderful life."

Even though many people told me I did a wondeful thing by giving her a life that I couldn't provide, there were a few who made me feel like I had to defend my choice. I find it odd that we must defend adoption, but abortion is often accepted without comment.

Here's what I think. You are taking a difficult situation & turning it into an unselfish act of love. It won't be easy, but noble acts seldom are. If you know, in your heart, that you're doing the best thing for you and your baby, you will have to learn to ignore the people who don't know enough to keep their opinions to themselves.They are not the ones who matter in the long run. Feel free to contact me through my profile if you need to hear more.

Answer 14

its about what you want to do.if i can help someone that can't have a baby i would.so pay them no mind.congrat and god bless you and that family and baby

Answer 15

I don't understand how any woman could give up the life that God gave her and is growing inside her.  If God doesn't intend for someone to have children it won't happen.

Answer 16

I gave up my daughter for adoption 11 years ago now, it wasn't at birth like you. I very much wanted her but, after she was born her father left and I became very depressed. I tried my best for a year to look after her. Even went to a parent and child unit for young mothers, I was 18. I loved her soooo much but no matter how hard I tried nothing I did was good enough. In the end social services were going to take her away. I must add that I never hit her or anything like that.  I gave her up because everyone convinced me it was the kindest thing to do. Now several years on I have three gorgeous children and luck for me I have contact every year with my first daughter. I have now realised the reason I struggled so much with her was because I was postnatally depressed. Sadly her adoption could have been avoided if I'd seen a doctor and got the appropriate help. I was never seen by either a doctor or a health visitor. Back then though they didn't know anything much about post-natal depression, but for me that doesn't make it any easier to swallow. I think you are very brave, as long as you have thouroughly thought it through, I wish you all the best, I really do from the bottom of my heart. I know one family who have adopted two kids and another woman who would desperately love to but at the moment she is just fostering, so I know that you will be giving your baby to a couple who are going to really treasure him or her. I hope it works out for you. I will keep you in my prayers x*x

Answer 17

we just finalized the adoption of my baby sister and i cannot explain to you the gift you are giving these people. my parents could not have anymore children and when therese came along, they leaped at the chance. you will be changing these people's lives so positively, your child will be loved and cared for. you are giving them an amazing gift and you need to congratulate yourself for that. whatever you reasons for giving up the baby, you are helping to complete this family and giving your child a chance at an amazing life. from what you have said, they sound like a kind and caring family and you could not want anymore for your baby. anyone out there who isn't supporting your decision is just showing their ignorance, ignore them and know that you are doing the right thing.

Answer 18

Get in touch with me, I have a daughter that I gave up for an open adoption. We both are better off this way. Lives are more rewarding. If you need any kind of support or have any questions or just feel like crying, let me know. I have been a speaker on open adoption and have counseled alot of young women through it. My own cousin was one of them.

Answer 19

JUST GIVE THEM THE KID AND LIVE THROUGH YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

Answer 20

Hi,

I know this is a very tough and confusing time for you.  No little girl grows up saying, "I want to be a birth mom when I get bigger"

It is really no one else's business what you have chosen for your baby.  No one can make this kind of choice for you and it's not like you are 'giving up' your child.  You are choosing other parents for your baby.  

Just know in your heart that you did the best thing that you could do.  Those people would not be parents without you.  They owe you SO much.  I hope you have an open adoption plan.

Try to ignore negative comments.  Some people just don't understand and thier questions seem rude, but they are just asked out of ignorance.

Answer 21

Grrr. It's amazing how many people come out of the woodwork to answer for birthmothers.

Anyway, this is a big deal and when it comes to fertility, pregnancy and redemptive acts versus abandonment acts, people tend to react and say anything.

Here is the thing though.This act of placing your child for adoption in it's very nature is plural and conflicting.  In the very same moment you are selfless and selfish.  At the very same moment you are placing your child into loving arms, you are also stating without a doubt you weren't good enough.

It's taken me years to accept the plural nature of being a birthmother.  The best thing I can advise is to only take in those opinions that seem to grasp that complexity (those that aren't just spreading the adoption koolaid of everything will be wonderful, and those that are so down right dismissive and mean) and disregard the rest.

Answer 22

I'm not a birthmother, so I hope you don't mind me "barging" in here.  But, I just wanted to tell you that a birthmother made us a very happy couple when she decided to place her child with us nearly two years ago.

We are in an open adoption and we love our children's birthmother very much.  To say that she's like family doesn't do how we feel about her justice.  I have complete and total unconditional love for her.

Hubby saw her today and he's been walking on a cloud all day ever since.  She's just that special.

I think the decision you are making for your child is wonderful.  However, it's true that many people don't understand the complexities of an adoption.  I've had to explain our children's birthmother's reason for placing many times.  And I always make sure to tell them just how much she loves her children and that's why she made the decision she did.  If she had decided to parent them, they would never have had to want for love.

I wish you the best.  {{{HUGS}}}

Answer 23

youre an amazing woman for doing what you are doing....eventhough you cant give the baby the perfect life you are by giving him/her a chance at life instead of abortion...im proud of you and im sure many others are....dont worry what people say to you its just words....know in your heart you did what was best and thats all you can do....one day that child will thank you.....

Answer 24

You are wonderful person. i have 6 kids of own. That's great the the family is backing you up. Tell those people to blow it out their a**.

you are doing the best thing. I read an article of a women thanking  the mother who give her a child. She was so blessed.

GOD BLESS You.

Answer 25

When you have a child you are supposed to make the decisions that are best for them.  Even if that decision is the most painful for you.  What you are doing is one of the most self less act possible.  When I was asked how could I do such a thing, I simply responded how could I not.  God Bless you.

Answer 26

I am an example of a birthmother who had a negative outcome.

I am almost reluctant to post my experience sine there were so many factors involved.

I also have a best friend who gave her son up for adoption, and she feels the same way that I do.

Though there are many instances where there are birthmothers such as yourself who have warm-hearted feelings about the entire gammet of adoption, there are just as well those birthmothers who would cringe at the thought of ever having to go down that road again.

Also, though I think it's highly admirable and selfless (in a way) to place your kid up for adoption to this "reproductively-challenged" couple, I have many many questions for them, too, such as their plans for the welfare of the child should anything happen to them with regards to their medical issues, for one example, as I am sure you've crossed that bridge with them in the adoption process.

My experience was a nightmare from beginning to end. Everything from my homelessness with my 2 1/2 year old son, to reluctantly having to "shack up" with my elitist-mentality mother who looked down on the very fact that I even had a child out of wedlock and was in no such position to tolerate or acknowledge a seeminly warped situation to have taken place in her intellectually picture-perfect family unit, to the traumatizing notion that after I had explored every avenue to temporarily place my child in a home that I would have to inevitably look at adoption arrangements, to ensuing court proceedings that pitted one part of my family against another part of my family and placed my other child at the hands of potentially having to testify against her own mother. Let's face it, the whole situation was just awful.

On the other hand, my best friend had a "different colored" experience which every birthmother would have hoped for with weekly "in-person" visitations for the whole child's life, to vacations with the child's family, to a very close relationship with the child, to having say in the child's up-bringing!!! Bottom line: IDEAL! However, she finds herself left with this huge void and can't understand why she chose adoption in the first place, and by no means would ever choose the same route again.

Funny (not funny--haha, but funny--strange) how situations turn out when people feel such a way at one time and, turn another corner, they would do it differently.

The only way I would advise you is this: DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF and tell yourself now that it's going to be okay. Once you make this decision, you have to live with it for the rest of your life. Not all adoption situations turn out rosey as such is true with the opposite. You need to be honest with yourself from the get go, because you're going to face challenges with the adoption just as you would face challenges with keeping your baby, just as you would face challenges if you had chosen to terminate the pregnancy.

I think, also, the worst part about my adoption experience was that, above all, my family was never never never never supportive of my children, the adoptive parents, nor myself. They've butted in when not invited and they continue to butt in as they know and have a relationship with the adoptive relationship to this day. It's still a devastating experience that doesn't seem to get better.

Since your family is supporting your decision, you're at an advantage, and this will help out in ways that you would have never imagined.

I come from a very intellectual family with little in the way of family values. Make sure that the couple you are choosing doesn't place education or anything else above family values.

I am sorry that this post was so long. I have more, but I don't want to get upset in the process as, for the last 6 1/2 years, has been strictly a traumatizing experience for me.

You're probably doing right by your child, and second, right by yourself.

Lastly, I don't want to condemn your decision with my posting, but I wanted to share with you some of the realities of the occasional adoption experience that didn't turn out well. I hope you understand and can be accepting of this honesty.

Thank you, in advance, for your time in reading about my story.

Good luck to you and your child and the adoptive parents that are about to experience a lifetime of love.

Answer 27

I'm not a birth mom (except to my daughter, who is with me), but I was given up for adoption as a baby.  I just wanted to let you know that I never, ever, faulted my birth mom for giving me up.  I had no idea who she was and she wasn't allowed to know where her child was going.  5 years ago I typed my birth-date and place into yahoo search on a whim and a tiny little ad. came up from someone who was looking for their daughter.  It turned out to be my birth-mom.  The first day we talked was on my birthday.  We have a great relationship now.  Like I said I never faulted her for giving me up, and now I know the background and I really respect her.  I wish you the best of luck.  Ignore those people who say negative things, nobody can truly understand what you are going through so they should keep their mouths shut.

Answer 28

Email me through my profile if you wish, and I can put you in touch with my son's first mom.

Answer 29

It's all up to u on what you do... you are doing what you think is best for your child and that all that matters.... i have alot of family members who were adopted and that have been given up for adoption ( brother and my sister) just keep in there and think of the baby