I need discipline help with my girls...?

Question

My 14 year old daughter's mouth is out of control and my 12 year old daughter is getting out of control as well...

My 14 year old yells literally all the time....it's so bad i got evicted from my last apartment and had to get a mobile home just so that it doesnt happen again...She talks to me really bad....telling me no when I tell her to do something and yelling at me,etc...I just dont know what to do....I NEVER thought my kids would talk to me this way....and the thins is I cant do anything to her because then I get in trouble with the police and or child protective services....So I dont know what to....but her behavior is unacceptable and the is being very unruly....Any suggestions,and dont say "beat her butt" because I cant do that without getting in trouble myself....

My 12 year old is becoming very smart mouthy....mocking me and disrepecting me.....talking in a nasty tone,etc....

I am a newly single mom,and I just dont know what to do

I want to be a good mom.............

Answer 1

WITH CHILDREN ALWAYS REMEMBER THE 3 P'S. PATIENCE,PERSEVERANCE AND PERSUASION.

Answer 2

Sounds like things are tough for you.  The part about you being a newly single mom is very relevant to your situation right now.  Sounds like your kids are angry, and they're taking it out on you, because you're the only person in their life that won't leave them when they act this way.  It's not an excuse but it could be a contributing factor.

Now your situation is tricky because your kids are bigger.  I agree with all the people who said family counseling is a must.  Yes it can be expensive but peace in your house is priceless.  Try contacting the school about what services they can refer you to as a family.  Keep in mind with therapy that children... ALL children... are products of their environment.  You can't drop your kids off a a counseling session and expect that they will be "fixed" when you come back to get them.  YOU need to be in the counseling also.  I'm not accusing you or judging you, but this has been an admittedly hard time for your whole family... so you need to be a part of the healing process with your girls.  

The child protective services that seem to be involved with your family should also be able to offer you resources.  If they aren't downright offering, ask them.  There are legally acceptable ways to parent, and if they expect you to follow them, then they must help you if you want the help.  Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% for removing children from bad parents, but you seem like you know that what's going on is not working for your family and you want to change it.  Good for you because that's a hard thing to say.  BUT sometimes you have to actively seek those resources.  Ask the school and the CPS.   That's a start.

Also, there are women's centers to turn to also.  Google "women's center" and your city and see what pops up.  The YWCA usually has resources as well or can refer you to people who do.

In the meantime, your girls have to be yelling AT someone.  At you, at each other, at someone else.  Remove who their yelling at, or stop responding.  Keep in mind a power struggle with a 14 year old is not an easy battle to win and a 14 yr old who is angry at the world because her parents have separated is almost impossible to reason with at times.  You have to be the bigger person and walk away.  You also have to be the bigger person and not respond the same way.  It's hard.  But it's possible.  

Keep in mind your kids need you right now.  You're probably mad at them for treating you this way.  You're tired of being unappreciated, walked on, and treated with disrespect by their father and by them as well.  But you're their mom and that's forever.  So despite your anger, do some positive things with them.  Take them to the movies.  Have a girls day and go get pedicures (or take turns giving them to each other).  Play Scrabble and put a 5 dollar prize on it, or bake a cake. Put makeup on each other.  The point is that you get mad at each other but you don't hate each other.  That's what family is.

My mom and I fought horribly when I was 14, and this was without a parental separation.  One day my mom went and got one of my old stuffed animals that I had loved as a child and she had saved.  She put in on my bed and wrote me a little note that said, "I miss this little girl who held this bear and loved her mommy.  I love you and I don't want to fight."  And yanno what?  After that I was open to changing some things because I knew she loved me still.  Good luck.

Answer 3

Talk to her, it could just be a teenage phase, but it might be something else, if this attitude has come on suddenly then the odds are something has happened that is troubling her. No matter what has happened you will need to find a solution soon as it looks like your 14 year olds attitude is rubbing off on your younger daughter.

Answer 4

depiek has a harsh but valid point.

Shame them...

they are cross more than likely you lost there dad

there trying to prove your incompatant and thats why - it lets them (thier behaviour) off the hook.

have a sit down chat if you can manage it try finding a really nice object to hold stress ball and ornament you have to touch etc.. explain that only the person holding the object may talk.

try if they lose control quick package the object back up and walk away explaining youll try again another day when they are both in more aceptable frames of mind.

Try and get to the point where you can explain the past without feeling its sting. Try and work out a destination what jobs are they going to want to be doing?

What are you going to look like?

what will you be wearing?

where will you be living?

make the goals realistic - try and set up a system where your all working together... supporting each others goals.

It's not easy learning to mimic there most apaling behaviours is a good way of showing them how disgusting they look

and pointing out youd have to pitty the boy who'll end up with you at the moment... might just catch them in there area of interest.

take care of yourself.

Answer 5

Try counseling. If you cannot afford it on your own have the school councilor speak with her. Maybe she need someone to talk to.

Answer 6

You dont say whether you provide for them.

If you do, start taking things away that you have purchased, like they pocket money, their mobile phones etc, your 12 year old is probably just following your other daughter,she can see that the 14 yr old gets away with it, so why cant she.

They need consequences for their actions.....

Set new boundaries and stick with them. Or Else

Answer 7

all you can do is try putting them in a girls school for a while. talk to a lawyer or judge and they should tell you how. it shouldnt take long for them to straighten up. try tough love. hope this helps. good luck.

Answer 8

Its amazing the stories you come up with.....

But in case someone else is in a similar situation,

You get in trouble with the police or child protective services for doing something illegal.  So don't do anything illegal and you won't have any problems with them.

First, throw out the TV.

Sell the computer.

Cancel the cell phone services, and sell the cells.

Start making suppers as a family, and eating them together.

Other than school, the only social interaction that the girls get is while you are with them.

Go to church.

Take up miniature golf.  (as a family)

Go camping as a family.

The problems you describe come from a book called "Lord of the Flies".   Its about a bunch of kids that are left to govern themselves.  When you allow distractions from the family, the children find themselves in a situation where they teach each other rather than the parents teaching them.  Cell phones, TV's,  Computers are great distractions, they keep young people occupied for endless hours and the children end up learning their social behaviors not from the parents, but from the children.

Answer 9

I used to work for a Child Protection Charity, they had a neat way of handling many unruly kids, it might work for you.

Try sitting down with them and asking them to suggest rules for the house, listen to them, and in response only point out what the likely results of actions would be, do not try and judge them,  when you have sufficient rules to satisfy all, them get them to write them out and all 3 of you sign them, it is amazing how children will obey the rules they make themselves, and incidentally how they will make their visiting friends obey them too.

Answer 10

I would recommend taking them to a therapist. They might say that therapists don't help, or that they will not talk to one, but once you get there, they can be very nice. Or, you can talk to somebody at the school they go to. All schools have services to help family relationships and all you have to do is ask for help. Hitting does not work, as you say, not only because you will get in trouble, but also because the relationship with your girls will dwindle, and in the end, building a good relationship with your daughter is crucial at this age.

Answer 11

you should them down and set new standards. tell them this ans his needs to be changed. if they start yelling at you just say "i love you too much to argue". if they don't obey the rules, give them a silence treatment and just leave posted notes everywhere saying what needs to be done. if that doesn't work, take them to a therapist to see what's wrong.

Answer 12

i think that she need some counseling