I need funny jokes please?

Question

I'm bored and I was wondering if anyone has any funny jokes?Almost any joke will do, but no knock knock jokes plz.I've heard just about all of them, and the longer the better.

Best joke wins.Thx!

Answer 1

How do you kill a blonde? You glue a mirror to the bottom of the pool.

Answer 2

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and to those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there

is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in f***s. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of p**p. (that's over 2 pounds).

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine, beer, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = p**p

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s**t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.

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Body Info... F. Y. I.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's p***s is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....

Answer 3

Here is a funny one:

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of a bitc... is seven.

Three plus six, the son of a bitc... is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the sonof a bitc... is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

Answer 4

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."

The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

Answer 5

How do you confuse a blonde? Tell her to sit in the corner of a circular room.  

How does a blonde confuse you?  She comes back and says she has done it.

Answer 6

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then said: "You have to shove the all of the fruit that you brought back up your butt without any expression on your face and without making any noise or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? you almost got away with it!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

Answer 7

How do you fit a 2000 pound woman in a size 2 pair of jeans?

Take the "f" out of "fat" what do you get? (at)

Take the "f" out of "way" what do you get?

(there is no "f" in way  

or there is no effin' way?

Answer 8

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

Answer 9

Pregnancy Advice

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal s*x, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal s*x, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal s*x?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?'