I need good jokes? funny but not lame!!plz :)?

Question

i want joke that will litterally make me LOL i havent lauched in a while :P

Answer 1

Unusual order

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all h**l breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Answer 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77_0CNA4O...

Answer 3

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

My Favorite Joke...Enjoy

Answer 4

uh... nevermind its gonna sound mean...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLMSgbA-_...

Answer 5

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of a bitc.. is seven.

Three plus six, the son of a bitc.. is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the sonof a bitc.. is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

Answer 6

Short & very funney jokes. Enjoy.?

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in

bed.

He shoots his friend to death..

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL

your friends".

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Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"

Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

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Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and

panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

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Teacher: Do you know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my

mom fainted,

dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

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Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in

the U.S?

B'coz people started l*****g the wrong side.

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Women asked man who is traveling with six children,

all these kids are yours??

No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer

complaints.

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Two men met while both were looking for their lost

wives.

1st: What does yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, beautiful Fair, Black

eyes. What about yours?

1st: Forget mine. Let's find yours!!

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Son asks father the difference between confidence and

confidential

Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend

is also my son, that's confidential!

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Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the

right time we should talk about s*x.

Daughter (Excitedly) : Sure mom, tell me what you

want to know

Regards,