I need help, Seriously

Question

Okay so normally I am just the normal shy girl. But when someone older than me single me out from the crowd and show me the least bit of empathy, I just want to **** them. I want to show them how bad I am, and not bad in a sexual way. I want to show them that I am out of control, that I’m a rebel, a wild child.

I even have these little fantasies where they catch me in the act of doing drugs or drinking or having s*x with someone else. I guess the design of these fantasies is to make someone fall in love with me, worship me, then I show them who I really am, that I’m broken, that I’m a rebel. They then try to fix me and no matter what they don’t give up on me, this stuff really gets me off. But it’s much more than anything sexual, it’s like I get this psychological gratification from these fantasies.

I call this part of me the dark part of me. The ‘good’ part of me is still in control, but I don’t know how longer I can control myself. I would love to just self destruct and have someone pick me up from the ashes, even though I refuse to. I have this innate feeling to break free, to relinquish and rebel – to self destruct. Then have someone see this and try to fix me, this is like the core of me, it’s who I am. But it’s starting to ruin my life and my friendships, why am I like this? And how can I fix this?

Only mature answers please…

Answer 1

It seems to me like you see what's going on around you and what other "rebellious" people are doing and say to yourself 'I hate being so innocent'. I know this, because I do the same. I wish people didn't seem me as the quiet one who never does anything out of line. This drive makes me want to rebel and become out of control.

   But here's the catch, what happens when -if you finally snap and lose all control- you get bored of being a rebel? Which is more likely than you think. These fantasies are perfectly reasonable, but I bet if you look deep enough at the people that live the way you fantasize about, you'll see that they aren't happy.

   Keep your eyes on what really matters, and what will gain you the most respect from the most important people. Start thinking what really matters to you: a reputation as a drug abuser and someone who sleeps with everyone, or someone who people can look up to and want to follow in the footsteps of.

   I think these thoughts are fine as just thoughts and I bet you're strong enough not to snap under the weight of them.

Hope this helps :D

xx

Answer 2

You need to add information . How long have you felt this way etc.Your soul is looking for unconditional love from someone, and you are not finding it where you are looking. I am older but age has nothing to do with it. what is ****if its not sexual. Everyone has fantasies this is normal.Everyone has a little good and a little bad this is normal. Shy People have a burning lust for things in them and are afraid to openly show them to someone else. I know because i feel the same. But the burning lust is controlled. You only want unconditional love.