I need help because this question haunts me!?

Question

I have a 4yr old son who has never known his biological father. He was an abusive drug addict. I went to court and won full custody and he got no access what so ever and has never given me a dime of financial support. I met my partner when my son was 12 months old and we have been together ever since. He calls my partner daddy and has been raised by him financially, emotionally...etc. If anyone else has been in my situation, at what age do you suggest I tell my boy the truth and how do I go about explaining it to him? Also, if anyone has ever found out that their dad was not their biological father, how did you feel and react and did the news affect you negatively?

Thanks in advance.

Answer 1

I like exactly how boogaboogabooga said it. It's short and simple and to the point. You can deepen it when he is older for now a simple. Before Daddy came there was another man who was your daddy but Daddy came and saw you and wanted you so much because he loves you.

Answer 2

i saw this movie once and i dont remember what it was called but it was really good - this young girl gets pregnant and she has the baby and then gives it up for adoption even though she doesnt want to. the little sister of the girl who got pregnant makes a home video of the whole experience, from when the mum was pregnant and stuff. the movie finishes with the little boy that was adopted out to another family, the family that adopted him and the actual biological mum all talking. and the new parents like talk to the boy and you see that hes been brought up knowing that he was adopted, but it was all for a really good reason. and he really seems to understand it even though hes only lik 4 or 5. anyway he loves the girl that is his biological mum, but he also loves his parents :) its a really sad/sweet movie.

anyywayy my point is maybe you could do that, just raise your little boy so that its a known fact that the dad isnt the biological father, so that the whole story is out in the open. that way he will feel much better baout coming to you and asking questions when hes older - better htan lying or misleading him for 17 years then dropping a huge bombshell :) :) :)

if anyone knows the movie i just wrote about can you let me know the title haha i cant for the life of me remember.

Answer 3

You sound like my mom and I am your son.  My mother married a man and had me.  Before me and after me he brutally raped 2 woman.  I only saw me one time after I was born.  My father (the man who brought me up since I was 6 months) has been my dad and father all my life and never EVER treated me any diffrent.  I always thought he was my dad.  Then one day I thought my sisters father was my father even tho I had never met him.  Their father died and I was upset, so my mom had to tell me that he wasn't my father.  I only really knew that my father was not my father when he adopted me at 8.  When I was about 13 I asked my mom about my sperm doner and she would not tell me anything, except he was a very bad man.  It bothered me that she would not give me ANY answers about him.  When I was about 18 my brother told me his name and what he had done and were he was (he is serving 2 life sentences in prison).  When I was bout 20 I contacted him.  We have a little relationship.  I really wanted to know about him and what he looked like ( I look just like him, in female version)  I HAD to know.  I think anyone who doesn't know their biological parents have that need.

To answer your question now, lol.......I think when you feel he is mature enough to handle the truth is when you tell him, unless he askes first, then you tell him what he can understand at whatever age that is.  I don't think the news affected me negitivly, more annoyed because i couldn't get answers that I so wanted.  She hid him from me for good reasons,  I have now found out alot more things that he had done.  He was part of the mob in my area, and was not a very nice guy.  If you mention his name to people who knew him, they will have horror stories about him.  All that he denies.  You need to do what you feel is the best intrest for your son.  Good luck to you.

Answer 4

I'm glad you're thinking about this now. Instead of the parents who adopt and then the child finds out as a teen! However I don't think your child is quite old enough to understand this concept yet. I'd consider waiting a few years, perhaps until he is at least 6 or 8. Be sure to not make this a bashing moment either, I've known people who turned this into "my ex was evil" type of bashing. When the time is right simply explain that you and his biological father (don't use the term "real" father to explain this point) weren't in love anymore and that you don't think he would have known how to be a good father. Also explain to him that you don't have to be related to someone to make them family (good explanation would be if you have siblings that are married, thus making their spouse an aunt/uncle to your child), it is love that creates a family. Good luck!

Answer 5

I went through this, and I sympathise. I told my daughter about her real father when she was about 4 and I told her that he couldn't be with us but I didnt tell her what he was like with me, if anything I just told her his good bits (not many, but all the same he is her father and he is part of her and she is beautiful!) I didn't think it was fair to even after everything he had done. Try to keep it as simple and brief as possible and then leave it to your son to come back to you when he ready to ask more questions. He will go off and think about it for a while and then just answer his questions as honestly as you can without scaring him. I think its important to be truthful with your son as early as possible, because you dont want him to blame you when he is older for him not seeing his "real" dad. He will probably want to seek out his dad when he is older and it wont be easy for you and your partner but I am afraid that all you can do is be there for him if his Dad turns out to be a disappointment, the important thing is that he will have found out for himself and not because you painted him in a bad light. He will have had all the love and stability from you both to help him through this. My daughter is 17 now and her relationship with her real father didn't last well unfortunately, he was still a waste of space and let her down, but now she is older I have told her what our relationship was like and she understands better. I just think its best to be truthful from an early age, and having come out of the other end I wouldn't have done it any any different because I feel that my daughter is more level headed than she would have been if she found out now!

I hope that you find the best way to deal with this and I wish you luck. XX

P.S. I agree with a lot of the other people on here in that you should maybe try and keep it casual and lighthearted. Kids are unbelievably tough and you may find he just brushes it off till he is  a bit older.

Again good luck with this

Answer 6

You should be honest with him from the start. My son has 2 daddies too and your son will find out the truth one day and it is better coming from you. If he finds out later in life it could be a real emotional problem for all involved and he may harbour bad feelings toward you for keeping the truth from him. You dont need to go into specifics about the breakup etc just yet, you will know when he is mature enough to handle the whole truth.

Answer 7

i have a nearly 4 year old son in the same situation... he has what i call a "sperm donor" too.. i met my partner when i was 3 months pregnant.. and we got together when i was 4.5 months pregnant.. my son dont know the truth and my current partner is his Dad and his Dad on his birth certificate.. i will tell him in the future but i want him to be older and explain to him why i left and why the "sperm donor" doesnt want anything to do with him.. i think about the age 10 they will understand but explain to him that.. I was in the same situation as you he was on prescribed drugs, alcohol and bi-polar and i was bashed badly..so i left... best of luck but wait till he can understand and sit him down with his daddy to talk to him about it.... let him know that his Daddy loves him and will always love him then maybe just maybe he might not want to know the other bloke who produce him... :) take care

Answer 8

Tough question - on one hand, if the father is that big a loser and the child isn't likely to see him, do you need to tell him.  But then, when they are older, if they find out for themselves they will definitely resent you for not telling them.

I think if you did it now, in simple terms, and the child kind of knew that your partner was not his biological parent but loves him very much then it would not be such a big deal for him when he's older.  If he asks about the sperm donor (love that you call him this as I use the same term to refer to my father! hahaha), then just give him general answers, it's probably not good for him to know that this guy was a junkie and all-round creep.

Best of luck for you, your partner and your beautiful son!

Answer 9

i was in a similar situation. Had my son just after i turned 17 to an abusinve druggo. He was in my sons life on and off till i finally got the guts to leave. my son remembers he had a dad but has a lot of bad memories of him hitting me. You are very lucky that like me you now have a man who is raising your boy as his own. My son is now 8 and is still a little confused about what happened and why asking me from time to time if his real dad loved him or would miss him. I think at the age of 4 he is too young to understand. I would leave it till he is about 6 and as his mother i am sure you will know what sort of wording is best for him to understand. make sure you include your partner in it and let your boy ask as many questions as he wants or needs.

Answer 10

I would tell him from the beginning.  You could tell a story about how you were lucky enough to have him and then shortly after you met John (or what your partners name is) and how now you're all a happy family and so lucky to be together.  He's too young to know the ins and outs of adult relationships or what a "biological" father is and will just take the story as you tell it.

I was adopted and the recommendation was to tell kids from the start.  I've met people who found out when they were older and the after shock can be really, really terrible.  It would be the same thing - even if you told him at the age of 7 there would be hurt that someone they trusted has been lying to them, there's no way on the planet I would risk deceiving my child.

I'm sure you can think of way to make it into a nice story that tells the truth (sans the gruesome details) so he grows up feeling secure and loved and lucky to be in this situation - do it now - don't wait!!!!

Answer 11

thats a toughy

umm i suppose tell him, but make sure he does not get the wrong message

ie don't say something like 'daddy isnt really your daddy'

instead say something like 'you have two daddys....'

Answer 12

Hi, I have the same story as you. I got pg with my boyfriend and he wanted nothing to do with me. I kept the baby and was a single mom for 11 months. Then I met my now husband who is a wonderful dad to my 8 year old daughter. I never wanted there to be this day when I had to tell her that my husband was not her biological dad so I told her right from the beginning. During bedtime stories I would bring up that her dad was her dad but not her biological dad and that he was extra special because he chose her. I explained that she had another biological dad and I told her the reasons why we weren't together. I told her that one day when she is older she (if she chooses) can know the other side of her biological family. I added that it was a good thing her bio-dad wasn't in her life...that he did us a favour because it allowed us to have my husband and her dad in our lives and we have a beautiful perfect family. I am also expecting now and this child will be a blood connection with them. I told her about the situation at bedtime. Every now and then I'd bring it up again so that she didn't forget and she knows at anytime she can ask me or my husband anything she wants to know about the other half of her family. Basicially I told her right from the get-go so there would be no surprises and I feel this has created an open and honest relationship between us. Tell him as soon as possible during bedtime story time and let him know that he can ask you anything about it. Good luck.

Answer 13

immediately.

why why why did you have a child with an abusive drug addict?

you should have brought him up with the fact. Now he will have to know you have been lying to him all this time

Answer 14

as   soon  as  he  will  understand  ....You'll  know,

      the  sooner  the  better,children  now  a  days  are  very  

intelligent....................they'll  understand  with  clear  explanation.

Answer 15

I think being honest is the best thing.  When your son is at an age to understand, say maybe 7 or 8 then sit down and talk.  Do it at McDonalds or something, you know, lighten the mood.  Treat it as a casual discussion, not a deep emotional one.  Big influence on how your son will react.  I know as this has happened with a friend of mine (not a personal experience).  If left till their teens, they may revolt but it comes down to how mature they are as a teen and their friend relationships.  Good luck!

Answer 16

My brother was around 10 years old when he found out that he did not share a father with his siblings. He acted out for quite a while after finding out. Now, at 20 years old, he appreciates our father for everything he has done. My dad raised all of us on his own after our mother left, even though my younger brother was not biologically his. I personally feel you should let him know when he still doesn't quite understand. He might ask more questions about it throughout his life until he understands, but it might save you the frustration of rebellion and "you're not my real father" hurtful comments towards your partner.

If you two are married, perhaps your partner can adopt your son and become his legal father. Good luck.

Answer 17

It depends on the person, I'm adopted and my mom told me that when I was about 7, it wasn't really a sit down we have something major to tell you kind of thing, which might have scared me at the time, she just told me casually, and I never really paid much attention to it, and it's never really bothered me, of course as I said, it depends on the type of person your son is, I think you'll know when it's the right time to tell him and how exactly he'll react.

Answer 18

I personally think the younger you tell him the better because then he will grow older with that knowledge and it wont seem like such a big deal. If you don't tell him until he is old enough to understand the situation a lot better he may act out because you never told him. At least at this age he will understand a little but not enough to grab the whole situation, then he can grow up learning that even though his "father" isn't his biological father he still brought him up like he is and that he loves him a lot. I think then it will only be in the back of his mind that he isn't really his biological dad (he will know but it wont make a difference) I think the best thing to do is just sit down with him, not in a serious at the table type thing, but in his room, somewhere he feels comfortable & explain to him the best way you can, but make it positive, you don't need to tell him anything about his dad at this point, but he may want to know later, so you might have to be prepared for that & just explain it in a simple way. Let him ask any questions he wants & answer them as truthfully as possible. I hope it all goes well for you and your family :-)

Answer 19

I would say something like, 'you know before daddy came into our lives, you and I lived on our own.  You had a old daddy before but he went away from us and we didn't see him anymore.  When daddy saw you, he took one look at you and told me he loved you so much that he wanted to be your daddy for the rest of our lives. So we all decided to live together and be a family.' and I think overtime the questions will come back from him as he develops understanding and you can answer them in more appropriate detail as they come up.

Answer 20

He might not understand it very well at this age, but as he grows older and starts understanding things better, he will probably become more emotionally sensitive and it will probably be hard for him to take.  

I've been a stepmother to my partner's son from when he was 7 to now - he is now 12.  I've also done some primary school teaching.  I don't really know what 4 year olds are like, but I think that kids of school age could be a bit upset by it because that is when they start getting asked questions about what their dad does and what their mum does, and other kids can be a bit insensitive too.  Basically, I think it would be a good idea for him to start grappling with the idea before he starts school.  There's no reason why he can't still call him Dad and that might be all he really wants.  (i.e. to not have to say that he doesn't have one when he's at school)