I need help dealing with a 20 yr old daughter. Any ideas? What should I do?

Question

I let her move back home with me after she was dumped by a boyfriend she had been living with about 140 mi away. Actually she was living with him and his parents and they told her to get out.

She came home and I pretty much forced her into getting a job. She works as a housekeeper and seems to be doing ok at the job.

Now she has started vanishing and not telling me where she is going. She has been gone now since yesterday morning and no note, no call no nothing. She just disappears. She did this 3 days ago too and never explained anything.

I am sick of worrying about her. I have called her cell phone and get no answer. I just dont feel like I should give her a home to live in and her be so disrespectful. I kind of think she may be with the boyfriend who dumped her, and I know she is trying to get pregnant, but has not been able to accomplish that as far as I know. She thinks she can trap him.

What should I do? I have had enough

Answer 1

simple. don't let her back in. it's tough but sometimes it has to be done. you've done what you can and she's still acting like an immature child so there isn't much you can do now.

idk what ideas she has of motherhood and why she wants to get pregnant so young and not in a stable relationship. you could bring her somewhere where there are young babies/children so she can see what it's like or if you have a friend that's a single mum get your daughter to meet her. she might get a reality check then.

unfortunately though she's an adult now and you can't decide things for her but you can decide over your own home. don't let her rule you like that.

Answer 2

Tell her that you are graciously letting her live in your household, and that while you realize she is an adult and capable of doing whatever she wishes, that you would like her to leave you a note or give you a phone call to say that she is leaving or 'hey I'm okay'. Let her know that it worries you when you dont hear from her for days, and you don't know whether she is dead or alive.

Tell her if it continues then she'll have to move out as it causes you too much stress.

Answer 3

I don't want to be harsh but she doesn't have to tell you where she is going she is an adult and that's probably why she doesn't want to tell you where she is going because you don't treat her like an adult. I'm 22 years old married with a daughter and all though I don't have to tell my parents where I'm going when I lived at home I did have to check in and say hey I'm okay. so I do understand why you are worried. when she does come home don't yell just tell her that you worry when she doesn't call or come home. you can tell her if she doesn't want to respect your rules then she has to move out.

Answer 4

pack her bags and leave them at the door  

Answer 5

As long as she is living under your roof, demand that she adheres to the house rules. Would you disappear for days without telling anyone where you are?

If she is irresponsible enough to try to get pregnant by a man who does not want her, who is the one who is going to get stuck raising the baby? Hello Grandma! Put her things on the porch and don't let her back in. Tell her that your home is no longer a crash pad, and that if she is going to sleep with the ex-boyfriend, he needs to help  find her another place to live.

Answer 6

Honestly, I think its time for tough love.  I would kick your daughter out.  I think its just enabling her at this point if you continue to let her live with you.  Give her an ultimatum - stop the disappearing act and respect you, or she has to find her own place to live.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Sounds familiar to me. My son is almost 20 and before he himself chose to move out, because he was not working and we wanted him to let us know if he was not coming home.  What you need to do, as hard as this is, tell her how you feel.  She may be an adult however she is still living under your roof, and she needs to respect that you worry, and want her to be ok- it really is not that hard for someone to pick up a phone and tell you that they aren't coming home tonight.  Does she pay rent, by the way? If she does, then that could be the reason "she thinks" she does not have to call, however that is not a good reason either.

Answer 8

I have to be honest and say that drugs and/or alcohol come to mind when reading this story. "Vanishing" and "not telling" are hallmarks of this in my opinion. I could be wrong.

Answer 9

Tell her how you feel. She's an adult, and while you care about her and will always love her - you do need her to be respectful and responsible. Tell her that while she's in your home she needs to follow your rules. Once she's saved enough to move out she can come and go as she pleases.

Talk to her about healthy relationships and explain that trapping a man will never lead to a healthy relationship. You could also explain that if she becomes pregnant, she's not going to be able to work and therefore will never move out of your home and be able to live her own life.  

Answer 10

Ouch. I sympathize with you. I'm 24 and when I was her age, which let's face it was recent, I didn't want my parents knowing anything about my personal life because I felt like they would disapprove. The truth is, they would have because I wasn't being a very good person. If she won't communicate with you, it's time to have a sit down when she does get back and let her know the house rules. If she's sneaking off to see the boyfriend that's fine, it's her life to s***w up (I know that sounds harsh, but tough love and all that) however the least she could do since you're providing her a home to return to is have the decency to let you know where she is once in a while. As cliche as it sounds you could always use the "lying dead in a ditch somewhere" to get your point across. Try looking up the missing persons cases in your areas that haven't ended well and put them in front of her. Bring on the water works if at all possible.

If she continues after that, you might consider putting together a probationary contract where if she violates your rules something like changing the locks happens. Make it real for her, because right now she's just used to you being her fall back. Make sure she knows that no matter what if she needs you, you will be there for her, but it's time for her to grow up and realize life isn't a free ride.

On her end, she's probably unclear as to who she is and not thinking about the big picture. How will a baby change her life? Where will she be living if she can't even manage to stay with him and his parents and she's making it hard for you to keep letting her stay with you? My mother's technique was very similar to what I'm telling you. She didn't do the probationary contract, but she sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms that she wasn't going to stand by and watch me s***w up my life. So I could either get my act together or find somewhere else to live.

Good luck! I wish you nothing but the best! and your daughter too.

Answer 11

You should explain to her that although she IS old enough to go and do what she pleases.  She IS living with you and you have HOUSE RULES that she must follow if she is to continue to live with you.  I lived with my grandma when I was 19 but I was still very careful not to come in too late at night because after all it was her home.  You tell her that if she wants to live her life in this way she must get her own place.  She is an adult, so be sure and make this about the HOUSE RULES.  She needs to respect you and your home if she is going to live with you... so please don't feel guilty if you have to kick her out.

Answer 12

She is 20. She an adult. She has been living on her own and doing her own thing until she moved back in with you. Unless you set some ground rules she is not going to see a problem with it. Have a chat with her next time you see her about simply letting you know if she's going to be gone for a period time and to just let you know she's made it to where ever safely. Otherwise, she should move back out.

Answer 13

Kick her out.  She's an adult with a job, so she can find her own place to live.  If she can't even respect your feelings enough to let you know where she is when she disappears for long periods of time, she doesn't deserve your hospitality.

But talk to her about the pregnancy thing.  It's one thing if she wants to mess up her own life, but trapping an unwilling man with a pregnancy  would be a HUGE mistake (and the baby would be the one who would pay the price).  Try to get her to accept the reality of the situation.

Answer 14

Sit your daughter down when she comes back and tell her how you feel.

Tell her that you worry about her yet you are concerned at the seemingly lack of respect she shows you.

Say to her that you let her live there out of the kindness of your heart and your love for her as your daughter yet you feel this is not a mutual feeling.

Then give her an ultimatum. either she tells you where she is going for days on end and calls you regularly at least once a day, and stop trying to trap someone by becoming pregnant. That is totally unacceptable and unfair on everyone especially the unborn baby. Say to her that she either agree's to what you say or she finds somewhere else to live. Give her one week to sort herself out and leave. Tell her the day you would like her gone and stick to it if she carries on this behaviour