I need help for my daughter! Some Advice please!!?

Question

I am a single 33 year old father of my 14 year old daughter Jen!

I lost my wife Amanda to Breast cancer last june!!:(

My daughter started her period in April of this year!

She hid it for the first 2 days and then got sick and needed to tell me because she couldnt go to school.

I told understood and bought her some pads and tampons and medicine!

Well shes been hiding her underwear and clothes if they get stained and changes her pads and tampons in her room and sticks them in her garbage in her bedroom which makes her room start to smell!

I know she is embarrassed and really wishes her mum was here but im what she has!

So what can I do?

thanks so much in advance!

Nick

Answer 1

What sal has said sounds like the best advice, especially the part about if you have got a female relative that maybe she might talk to, perhaps she could talk to her. Maybe you could show her how to use the washing machine and she could do a wash for herself at that time of the month so she wont have to feel embarassed?

I just wanted to say that i am so sorry for you both to be in this situation its heartbreaking.

You sound like a brilliant dad though and this shows by the fact that you have taken the time to come on here to see if you can find an answer.

All the bestx

Answer 2

Give her time. This is such a embarrassing and difficult time for your daughter to go through. Tell her to clean her room and she is old enough to do her own laundry. Give her a allowance to help keep her motivated in doing these things.

Answer 3

aww man im so sorry.. i dont no maybe have a female thats in your family talk to her? aunts? grandmas? cousins? or u but shell feel weird

Answer 4

I am sorry to hear about your wife. It is hard for a girl to go through things like that without having her mom there.... i think what you can do is to take her shopping for new underwear and clothes... that way she can replace what she got dirty.. you do not have to out right tell her to stop throwing her dirty undies and clothes in her trash, but tell her that she needs to make sure she takes her trash out more often.  Also understand that her clothes and underwear she does get dirty will not come out... unless you have a miracle. Try and be patient with her... this is a hard thing for any girl to go through- but even harder when there is nobody to turn to that she thinks understands... is there an aunt or cousin she is close to she can talk to or you can talk to them and ask them to talk to her? that might help her open up a little bit.

Answer 5

talk to her i f you can. i know its hard as a dad. explain how cleanliness is important at this time. and how to take care of herself.

they have a lot of books available if that helps. my son didnt want to hear about pueberty from me, i got a couple books and tossed them at him.

have her talk to any trusting woman. she may be more relaxed and able to ask questions. heck i would do it if i knew you guys.

Answer 6

Sounds like you have a handle on it.  You may be all she has, but it's enough.

Casually have a conversation with her about good hygiene.  Tell her that you know she is embarassed, but this is normal what she is going through and you were there when her mother went through it.  Let her know that if she doesn't get her clothing in the laundry right away, they could be ruined.

And if you don't  know, hydrogen peroxide helps take blood stains out.  Pour it directly over the stain.

Do you have a female friend or relative that can help talk to her?  It's obvious she is more embarassed than you are.  Tell her that you don't understand completely because you are a guy, but that you will get her any information that she needs and you are always open to talk.

I'm sorry about your wife.  And tell your daughter that she is very lucky to have a Dad like you!

Answer 7

You should have a talk with her tel her that you know your not her mum but you are here to talk to. you can buy nappy sack type bags to put her used tampon and pads in. then she can put these in the bin in the bathroom. if she feels funny about her stained clothes then ask her if she wants you to show her how to use the washer so she can do it herself or tell her it's fine and nothing to be ashamed off. she will be felling embrassed at first especially if her mum isn't around but these are the tips i have. i hope you get to talk to her and im really sorry for your lose. good luck

Answer 8

Well, I'm 12, and this is easy for me to understand.

You may want to find someone else to talk to her about it... like a close female friend or relative, because it is very embarrassing.

Trust me, if you don't want your daughter to be angry at you, you should try to have someone else talk to her about it.

Answer 9

Hi

What a lovely father you are. I lost my mum when i was 6 and grew up with my dad and 3 brothers! so may be able to offer some advice as i can relate.

I remember my dad once trying to explain about s*x and periods to me but i was so embarrased i got out of the room as quick as i could.  So you are right not to force yourself on her because it will make her uncompfortable.

The fact that she doesn't even change her tampons in the bathrooms suggests she really is shy about it. Is there a lock on the bathroom door? if not then i would suggest you add one. at her age she will be especially shy about her changing body and her hormones are going crazy. Does she have an aunt that she is close to that could pop by and talk to her about these things?

I don't think you can get her to stop hiding her clothes or changing her tampons in her room at the moment because it's still new to her. I think she will gradually come out of it once it's more normal to her.

I think scented bin bags are a good idea and just run into her room when she's not there and change the bins regularly. Open the window for a bit too but remember it's her room and she obviously feels comfortable there so don't impose any changes there.

Just make sure she has loads of tampons so that she doesn't have to ask for any. You could buy her a load more underwear and just leave it on her bed so that she can throw the stained ones away without the embarrasment of you having to wash them.

You are much better about this than my father was.  He never even offered to buy me tampons!!

You could ask her to start helping with the clothes washing so that she can shove her stained clothes in the wash without the worry of someone seeing them. Obviously don't tell her this but she will think of it herself.

Answer 10

Dear Jen

I am very sorry to hear about your mum passing away. I will not pretend to understand your pain but since I became a mum 3 years ago I feel such losses more than before.

So your life is changing in so many ways. You are slowly becoming a woman. I will speak plainly and I hope you wont mind.

When you start having periods your body enters a cycle that will go on continuously for a number of years. During your period it is necessary to increase levels of hygiene, take extra shower every day, ideally buy some darker underwear just for these days and you need two types of pads (not tampons yet - no matter what they say) day pads and night pads - both with wings to give you maximum control over the situation.

You may feel extra tired, moody, overall cloudy etc but that will pass in a day or two. It is ok to exercise in this time - it makes it less painful! Obviously it is not ok to go to the pool or sea. Until you get some practice in pad fitting avoid light colour clothing in this time.

Sorry if I mentioned a lot of things you already thought of. Please dont be angry with your dad for asking a stranger for help - at least it is anonymous, right?

Good luck with everything

Best wishes

A girl's mum

Answer 11

Do you have a sister that could talk to her about that? Man sucks to be you! no offence any way if she has an aunt that'd be good!

Answer 12

Right - working backwards!  Nappy sacks - get her to pop her used sanitary products in one, tie it up and pop it in the usual household bin.  As to undies, she needs to soak them in biological washing powder as soon as possible to remove the staining, then wash as normal.  I keep cotton undies for that time of the month.   Poor kid - and poor you too - a very difficult situation.  Do you have a sister, or any good female friends who she could talk to, or even possibly your Mother.

Edit : and please please please explain to her the importance of checking her b*****s - breast cancer is predominant in the female side of the family as I'm sure you know.  I do mine the first day of my period - easy to remember then.

Answer 13

Oh wow hats off to you Hun and I'm so sorry for your loss

xx

OK concerning your daughter she most likely hasn't got the right sort of sanitary towel she may need ones designed for heavier menstrual loss this is why shes staining her clothing, i as lo use sanitary bags which smell nice they are a lot like nappy bags ..there is a link below for your daughter to look at

Best of luck x

Answer 14

Does she have an aunt or perhaps grandmother or female mentor or family member that she can trust and talk to? She needs someone she can relate to and right now that's not you dad. You don't get a period and this is a very sensitive and private matter for her. It's a sacred part of a young woman's life.

How are you approaching this aspect of her sexuality with her? Does it make YOU uncomfortable knowing that she is reaching sexual maturity? After all, now that your daughter is having her period, she's physically moving into womanhood. How does that make you feel?

Perhaps YOUR reaction to this is apparent to her and she's feeling even more alienated than she would since losing her mother. Take a look at how you are treating her about her menstruation. Can you speak easily about her body and sexuality? Can you speak to her in age appropriate terms without you getting uncomfortable? Without her getting uncomfortable?

Does she understand what is going on with her body? Do YOU understand it enough to explain it to her? Can you celebrate it with her? Yes, I said celebrate it. Make it a special time, her special time. She's a young woman now. Your special young woman. Your daughter. This should be a wonderful and magical time for her and you.

Be gentle with her. Clean up for her, remove the trash Dad. (Man up!) Do the laundry, quietly and gently. Help her along. This is new territory. Get her a mentor, big sister or aunt, grandma, if you don't have what it takes to talk with her.

Don't be afraid of what you don't understand yourself. Educate yourself. Get a hot water bottle for those cramps. She probably can't use the tampons, by the way. Stick with the pads for now. Make certain she always has enough in the house and doesn't have to ask. Just quietly keep the supply full. Okay?

Also, get her some trash bags just for this time so she can put her pads in them and take them out. Or get a trash can for the bathroom with a cover so no one can see what's in the can. Help her out some.

Talk to her, in her language, at her age level. Let her know you are a dorky dad (you are, you know), and you'll do your best to help her out. You will right?

It's okay. You both are going through some growing pains.

I'm saddened to hear of your loss. I understand the pain, having been there myself. It's not something you get over, but I can tell you, you will get through it. Hang in there. I think you're doing fine.

Answer 15

If i  was you id rite her a letter so she does not get embarresed face to face with you

its normal for people to be embarrsed

trust she will soon get used to the idea x