I need help from my son's father....and soon to be husband.

Question

I am not exactly sure what to do. I am engaged to a wonderful man and he truly is a great father. However, I am not getting the help that I need. He provides for our family just fine....he goes to work everyday and works very hard. However, when he comes home he checks on the baby maybe once or twice and until it is time to go to bed he just plays video games or hangs around doing not a whole lot. When it is time to go to bed he does help in the middle of the night but I have to fight with him to do so. We tend to get into arguments almost every night and I am beginning to get tired of it. I have tried to explain to him it is hard being a mom and I just need him to pitch in here or there but he does not seem to understand how I feel. What do I do?

Answer 1

unfortunetley that is haw most men think my husband does help out some but i think moms will always do more than men its in our nature and we do it from day one.i am also a sahm of 2 and its hard i could still use a little more help but i am fortunate that he provides for his family and does the little that he does when he gets home.you just have to pick your battles b/c i learned a long time ago nagging isnt gonna get u anywhere.now the video games r another story it drives me crazy i wish i could just sit back at the end of the day playin play station all night.some men need to grow up!!

Answer 2

he thinks you are there all day with free time to do what ever you want.

lol trust me i have been there. what you do is plan a day out just you leave him with the baby for a saturday, leave at 8 and return at 8. and lets see how much free time he has had all day,

but i am a mom of 3  one is  a lot easier than 3.

Answer 3

He will stay like that until you start working he views this as your job and your problem he has his problems at work and doesn't bring it home to you. It took me awhile to see that is how my hubby thought now i have a job child care is 50/50

Answer 4

Wow I went through what you did.  Every other Saturday take 4-6 hours out of the house alone.  You can not take care of everyone if you are not taken care of, go to the poark, go to lunch, movie mani and oedicures something.  Ask him to do a few  thinks.  Take care of the baby and something simple like unload the dishwasher and clean the kitchen.  He will apprreciate you more.    

Answer 5

That's a good question. I have the same problem with my husband. He has been getting better about it lately. I think he finally just got sick of me nagging him every evening. I appreciate that he works all day and I'm very grateful for it. But when he clocks out at 5, he comes home and relaxes. Being a stay at home mom is a full time 24/7 job. We can't clock out. I don't expect him to do everything, and not even a lot necessarily. But definitely more than sitting on his a** all evening. All I can suggest is to keep talking to him about and hopefully he'll start to understand.  

Answer 6

Ahhh, this answer is tricky.  As a working mother I'm afraid I'm going to have to be unpopular and side somewhat with the father.  You stated he provides for your family just fine, which indicates to me that you are not working outside the home.  Therefore I do not feel that your responsibilities in the home should be equal.  Yes he should help by all means, but the majority of of the responsibilities for running the household should fall upon your shoulders because as the homemaker running the home is your "job".  I know many of you are not going to like this answer, but if the shoe were on the other foot and you were going to work all day to support your family and he stayed at home yet he expected you to do an equal amount of work when you got home you wouldn't think that was fair either.  Come on now.

If you are a working mom, that's a different situation, you really need to have a long talk with him about him taking on his share.  He can't say he's too tired if he has the energy to play video games.  He needs to shoulder the load with you 50/50, otherwise it really isn't a partnership (which is a big part of marriage).  I honestly would make him step up and help or move on.

Answer 7

My heart goes out to you. This must be so hard to deal with.

Maybe he needs to get a visual idea of how much you do!

I love a little story that goes:

A man comes home from work and he steps over toys, trash and laundry just to get into the front door. The kitchen is a wreck and the kids are screaming. He enters the livingroom to find his wife on the sofa & she smiles greeting him with a "Hi, honey." He looks around while the kids keep screaming and running wild. He trips over a dirty diaper on the floor. "What in the world is going on?" He asks his wife who is flipping through a magazine. She looks up and smiles again "You know when you asked me what I do every day?" He looks confused and  ducks a toy a child throws. "Yeah. So . . ." She smiles again and says "Well, today I didn't do it."

They redid this on "According to Jim" on time and I loved see it on tv! lol

Maybe this is what your husband to be needs. My sister married a guy who is I think 3yrs younger than he. He lived with his mom until a year ago! He just turned 28 I think. lol He never lifted a finger at home. My sister says she lets trash pile up until it is spilling over. She won't touch it till he takes it out. When we went to visit she just told us to stack it on the floor by the trash can. She was tired of telling him to take it out. Yet she blushed when my husband offered to. lol

So what do you want him to do? Tend to the baby? Well, if you have to let the baby cry just a minuet or two longer. Maybe he'll complain and you can say that maybe the baby wants daddy.

If you need to hide his video games for one night. Tell him you would like one night without him playing video games. I admit I too love video games.

For a day or two don't do anything. Laundry may pile up and same with dishes, but maybe or hopefully he'll get the idea.

If this doesn't work maybe you need to say things a little clearer. Maybe suggest marriage counsling to help him get the idea.

The thing is you don't want to marry a man who won't help out. My cousin is in a spot just like this and it breaks my heart. She's been married to him over 5yrs I think. Even though she & the baby have come from MS to GA he has NEVER ONCE came with her. She always makes the trip alone. He'd rather play golf. My sister told me sad stories when she visited them. She had a hard time not saying anything. He doesn't help with the baby either.My poor cousin not only works full hours in a New Born care unit for sick babies, but she comes home to help out in the gas station store his family owns & works there till after midnight. One weekends he plays golf and never helps with the housework, cooking or the baby. It is so sad.

I hope this helps. As I told my sister sometimes it isn't the mans fault. His mom may have "babyed" him and did everything for him. So he doesn't know how or even know to help out.

Answer 8

If you dont work, Id say, stop complaining.   Yeah, probably not the answer you wanted.

Stay at home parents complain endlessly about how hard their lives are, but they are the only ones I know who can take a 3-4 hour nap in the middle of their "work" day.

If I were ever in the situation to choose staying at home with a kid, or working, I would pick staying at home with the kid every single time.

Answer 9

If he works hard all day there is no way he thinks he must help you around the house. Get a babysitter and do not complain to him or you will loose him.

Answer 10

Your question was confusing. On one hand you say he is a wonderful man and a great father. On the other hand you complain that he "just plays video games or hangs around doing not a whole lot." You also say that you argue almost every night and you need him to pitch in.

First let me say that a good father helps with the children without having to be argued with. If you have to argue over and over again it is doubtful that he will ever get it. Also, a truly loving couple that has what it takes to build a strong marriage or relationship seldom fights.........let alone every day. They are usually able to discuss, like adults, issues they have without it getting heated enough to erupt into a fight or argument.

So, you have told him and argued with him daily and he still does not get it. What advice can anyone possibly give you that will make him change if you have told him and he still does not seem to understand? Is he hard headed, not willing to change or is he both?

I suggest counseling.....before marriage. If you can not get this right before your wedding I would say you are pretty much doomed. Sorry.