I need help motivating my lazy husband ... ?

Question

He does NOTHING besides work 4-5 overnights a week (35 hrs) , I also work 5-6 days a week (45 hrs) .. We have 2 babies , and we do not have baby-sitters , he keeps them while I work , and visa-vora , anyhow , we are both very tired ... But he doesn't do ANYTHING , in the house ... I have to come home from work (take a break) to feed out daughters dinner , and change diapers , then go back to work ... He hasn't lifted a finger to do any cleaning , in weeks ... and that's after I leave things gross for days , and BEG him to clean it ... I've threatened to only work part time ( I make ALOT more money than he does) and then he says he'll help , but doesn't .. I love him very much for other reasons obviously , but it's really wearing me down .... Any idea's ??

Answer 1

the same thing happened to me. i told my husband that i was not doing anything till he started helping me. of course someone has to take care of your kids but dont do any house work let it get really bad and let him see that he needs to help you. i did that and now my husband will clean up every sunday.  

Answer 2

i dont know if i would call him lazy.  i might say that he's more cunning than you think.  he knows that you will get mad about these things (ie not cleaning, changing the girls, etc) but you will eventually just do it anyway.  therefore, in the end, he gets what he wants and you end up frustrated.  the process just repeats itself.  i would say that you and he need to have some open dialogue about what your expectations are of each other.  the feeding/changing  i can see your point, but the cleaning of the house might not be a big deal to him.  if it is to you, than you might have to modify your expections a bit.  perhaps you can afford to have a maid come in once a week?  that might not cost too much.  therefore, the house will be clean and you will be happy...even if he isn't doing it.

Answer 3

hire some help

Answer 4

You both are working a lot which means...nobody can realistically take care of the home. Work more to pay for a nanny and house cleaner or someone needs to back off work a little and take care of things on the home front. Take Care

Answer 5

Don't talk to him until he decides to participate in his own life.  That's what I would do, It will work.  Only do what you have to do for you and the kids, he will get the hint:)

Answer 6

and you just found this out AFTER you got married?

Answer 7

You should set a chart and state the days of the week.  Each peron has a chore to do on their day.  The person who does not complete the task has to buy the other a $100.00 item from their extra cash pot.

Answer 8

Is money an issue? Could you afford a house keeper? If so, think about it. Make it a male nanny, that'll get him to move. Yeah i'm serious, i know someone in the same situation. It helped her! The husband didnt want some guy around, he smartened right up and has been good ever since!

if not...

you need to tell him straight out, "look , i love you to death, but if you dont start pulling your weight around here, i'm out, i cant live like this anymore. If you want this marriage of ours to work then you need to start helping out", period, to the point and mean it.

You dont need to go through this for the rest of your life do you?

Another thing you can try, is do ONLY YOUR own stuff, your own laundry, dishes, cooking meals, etc. Leave all his clothes dirty until he has to do them himsefl.

another idea....How long have you been at your job?? Take a 3 or 4 week vacation, or "leave of absense" and then tell him you "quit" to take care of the house. He'll think the money will no longer be coming in, and see how he reacts.

If none of this works, i'm sorry, ...ask him to leave. Or take kids to your moms, and stay there, to show him you mean business.

Answer 9

He doesn't even feed or change diapers on his own children?  I don't know how you put up with that. I do know that it's very, very hard when parents work two different shifts. We did that for a few months after our first child was born. Can you try to get on the same work shifts?  That way you can both be home at the same time and work on your relationship and share housecleaning and childcare duties.

Maybe he doesn't do anything because he is tired. I tried the night shift once, and could not handle it because I could not sleep in the daytime. Our bodies aren't designed to sleep during daylight hours. When does he sleep if he is working and then taking care of babies? The babies probably sleep at night with you.

A lot of parents work opposite shifts to save on childcare expenses, can you afford childcare?  Perhaps you can scrimp somewhere else in order to pay for childcare. Or do you have a relative that can help out?  When my sons were little, we paid their aunt to babysit. She was much cheaper than a regular babysitter. Please don't use the excuse that you don't want anyone else taking care of your kids, because it sounds like Dad is not doing such a hot job anyway!

  If you can afford it, go ahead and go part-time until he proves that he will do his share. Remind him that a horribly messy house is not healthy for any of you. I threatened to call Child Welfare on my son and his girlfriend because their house was always a horrible mess, with dirty dishes and leftover food all over and my 2 year old granddaughter was living there.  Needless to say, they are better housekeepers now.

Good Luck

Answer 10

Since you make more money than your lazy hubby, tell him to shape up or you're gonna get a housekeeper twice a week. It sounds like you can afford it because going to part time was an option. Good luck with lazy

Answer 11

You should just talk to him and say that you are his wife and you can sit on the couch and do nothing just like him, because you have just the same rights that he has. But you have 2 daughters and you have to work together if you want this relationship to work...

Sorry for my english...i'm from portugal...

Answer 12

Welcome to being a working mother.  His take on it, I am sure is that he has worked all day and is tired.  If you are making more money than him, you also have the ego to handle.  Make sure you don't throw that in his face.  You will get the opposite reaction that you are looking for.

Have you tried talking to him - not in a demanding sort of way?  Bottom line is men are instilled from a young age to be the provider.  Maybe there is something bothering him.

Try communication?

Answer 13

This is the way your husband is. He will choose to live in filth, let his children live in filth and even let his children go hungry, because neither his home nor his children are as important as proving that he's 'better than' his wife, and it's her 'job' to take care of him.  As far as he is concerned all he has to do in life is work 35 hours a week and then show up at home to be taken care of like mommy did when he was a little boy.  He will never change.  Why should he?  You're willing to live with him when he acts like this.

If he wasn't there what would you do?  Pretend he doesn't exist and find childcare and housework solutions that work for you.  Then decide if his minimal contribution to the household makes it worth having him around in the future when you know you will have to spend the rest of your life doing 90% of everything including cleaning up after him.

If a father can't be bothered to feed his own daughter dinner, I certainly wouldn't trust him to keep my children safe while l was working.

Answer 14

STop cleaning up, wash up only your children and yourself, stop doing for him.. he's grown, and should be able to do for himself.

marriage is 50/50. you guys need to go half, and compromise on stuff.

go on strike or something, stop 'giving him' his needs, in 'every' area, and set it straight, he needs to start helping around the house, its unfair and u are tired!

Answer 15

Ouch... that sounds bad. I suggest you sit him down and have a long talk with him. If he refuses it could be a hard life for you down the long run. You're gonna end up over stressed,  worn out, and always tired.

If he refuses I suggest divorce, you deserve better.

Answer 16

Tell him that he's not going to get any "goodies" from you if he doesn't get off his butt.  No reason you should have to bear the entire load.  

Or -- get a cleaning person once a week. Just to do the maintenance stuff (kitchen, bathroom, floors, vacuum, dust) and that will free up alot of your time.  And make him pay for it.  Heehee.

Answer 17

Get a maid. Worked wonders for me and my home.  

Answer 18

he is not lazy.  working nights is a lot harder than working days.  then, he is the caregiver for 2 babies,   so that is two full time jobs, not one.  i dont get when he sleeps.  i dont get how he ever sleeps.  i dont even get how this could be completely safe for the babies having a caregiver who would be exhausted during the day.

his work is twice as hard as your work is.  twice as hard.  because he does not have regular daytime hours,  this is very very hard on one's body.  just so you know.

men are not as interested in cleanliness as women are, they dont notice it.  and babies dont care at all.  

what to do?  both of you chose this lifestyle, and babies and crazy hours.   these are the tough years made only for young people with ambition and energy to hande them.  

i know you dont mean he is actually lazy.    read the dr laura book the proper care and feeding of husbands.  consider hiring help, either babysitting help or a cleaning lady.  consider him getting regular hours during the day.  

consider foolproof birth control  if two is too much for you, and concrete goals for your lives.  i am unclear as to what you are trying to accomplish, saving money?  getting promoted?  you have a husband and two babies.  living in harmony and love with mutual goals would help you a lot,  you sound sharp and ambitious.  how about a live in nanny?  how about career counseling for him?  trade school?  college?  good luck to you.