I need help to leave this marriage?

Question

Been married 10 years and have a 1, 4 year old child. I have a really bad story, but still stay in this marriage. I actually left 2 years ago and then "he changed" so we got back together. Mainly got back because of the guilt of having this child in a broken home and decided it was worth the pain to stay home and raise my child, but that payoff it not worth all the pain and my child is older now. My reality is blurred by the fact I have been controlled and verbally abused for the entire marriage. The verbal abuse stopped 2 years ago. I do not love my husband, but feel sorry for him. It is always about him. I am FINALLY ready to leave, I am 40 years old. My question/problem is that I told him to leave and he told me NO. Then he told me he would go back to counseling and to give him 6 more months. (He went once) and I never answered that question. ( That was 3 months ago) And here I still am. This is a man that has never hit me but has scratched my soul by all the hurt is has done to me, but I still am here it is embarrassing and pathetic....I am an educated, successful business woman until 3 years ago and now I am unemployed, looking for a new job to support myself and child. I am no longer afraid, but need support. I would be happy to share more.....

Answer 1

You need to see your family Doctor and get a referral for a good counselor .  Your husband shows signs of never changing, ever. You are worse off than the first time you left the marriage, you will only be brought down to rock bottom if you don't get help and the strength to leave him once and for all.  You also have done an injustice for subjecting your child to see your husbands' abusive treatment towards you. Your child and you need professional guidance and help to heal from all the years of his abuse.  If you have family, reach out to them also and see if they could help get you set up, until you are able to make it on your own with your child.  I wish you all the best and good luck.  

Answer 2

He needs to continue to going to counseling, for himself.  You need to take your child and build a life of your own.  You CAN do it!  Try to step back from feeling sorry for him, maybe you could continue to be supportive to him?  Its good that he is no longer verbally abusing you, but that is something that either you get over and move on with or you dont.  You are probably much stronger than you think you are.  You CAN do it, If he wont leave then you need to leave.  Its always nice to have family or a close friend to lean on.  Make sure you have a 'sponser' or someone close to you to help you make this change in your life.  Good Luck! I hope it all works out for the best for you!  

Answer 3

So leave, it is only as difficult as you make it.

Don't be weak, search that soul of yours and dig up what little self-respect you have so you can get up and walk out the door. The marriage is over.

If you have to borrow the money, there are also numerous non-profit organizations that can help.

Answer 4

try a women's shelter My cousins did and they pay for counseling for you and kids and everyone the marriage is affected and help you make a fresh start

Answer 5

step one: find a job to support you and your child

step two: if you really don't love this guy anymore, you have no reason to be with him

step three: don't take a 15yearold's advice untill you talk to someone you know and trusk

best of luck

GL

Answer 6

Don't leave it up to him to leave. You have to be the one to take your children and run.

There are alot of groups that can help you. Crisis lines, church groups, women's shelters, department of health and social services, support groups, counselours, doctors, police, etc. At local colleges, they are also classes you can take for women to help them get back in the work force. It's not worth it to stay. It will not improve and you are not doing your babies any good but allowing them to be in this situation. Also, make sure you get an attorney and go to court to get a protection order against him and file for sole custody. I know it's just pieces of paper but they do help. Are there any friends or family who can assist you as well?

Answer 7

Very sorry to hear about your situation - my answer will not be terribly thorough, but it all starts and ends with you (which is as it must be when you are in an unhappy marriage with an uncooperative spouse). In your question, you use the phrase 'my reality is blurred.' I think this statement is so telling, and it is this that you must fix if you are to solve your problems.

Here are some things to think about:

See a counselor as soon as you can, if you have the ability to do that. He will do what he wants whether or not he visits a counselor. He is in the position of strength and trying to make a change with a counselor is not in his self-interest. You must finally do all you can to put yourself in the strongest position, and the first step is finding a good counselor to help you understand where you are and where you want to be in 6 months, or 6 years. In this fast-paced world, counselors are not just for those with mental health problems, they are there to help us sort out things when life gets a bit overwhelming and we lose our perspective.

Second only to counseling, building a network of supportive friends through your hobbies and renewed interests is vital. Can't stress this enough: friends, friends, friends....find them by volunteering, through music, hobbies, support groups, however you can. Friends are so helpful in this situation because they help you to find your independent self - they will help you explore your interests and discover who you really are.

Always do what you can to put yourself in a position of greatest strength and stability for the months ahead. For some people, this means the things I mentioned above. Counselors, volunteering, outside interests, supportive friends, eating well, sleeping well: these will all help you to become your healthiest self so that you know that your decisions being made are made from a position of strength.

A strong you will know exactly how to resolve this relationship and move on to a beautiful, productive life.

Best wishes,

Jen

Answer 8

Make the decision to leave him and change your life.  You have tried this way of living for 10 years and it is not working.  I was in a miserable marriage for 6 years to a man that was an alcoholic/drug addict and he was verbally abusive to me.  We had 2 young kids.  I asked myself "Do I really want my kids to see this when they get older?" No! I finally took the steps to end the marriage, and I am a single parent now to 2 wonder kids, ages 13 and 11.  They respect me and are good kids, and I think it would have been a bad outcome if I had stayed.  They would have gotten older and thought that I condoned that kind of behavior.  I wanted to set a GOOD example.  

Answer 9

I understand your feeling bad for him, but when are you going to feel bad for you? Get out now, you've had enough, it's tough and i completely feel how you feel, i'm in the process of giving the "last chance". You can if it makes you feel better, set a date (6 months from now) and tell him this is your 'LAST CHANCE" then start reading on how to "mentally divorce" someone before actually physically divorcing someone. It's an interesting concept and it works.

Let him go to the therapy, but tell him that February will be his last month with you if he doesn't change.

Answer 10

you'll be better if you leave. Words hurt more then physical abuse. i know i said i lots of stupid things to my wife when we were younger, but it still bothers her till this day. your feelings for him will never go back to the way they were when you first met. I'm not a doctor but i suggest that you leave and turn your life around back to the way you had it.

Answer 11

divorces and stuff like that SUCKS! even though im only 12 but my parents..yeah; anyway just take charge and let him know how you feel,

Answer 12

The thing that I learned is that people will never change who they really are.  They can make promises and put a little effort into changing, but it's always temporary.  They will return to who they really are.

My advice is to seek help from family and friends, both financial and emotional support.  And, get out of that situation.  It's better for your kids to not be in that kind of abusive environment.