I need help understanding?

Question

my boyfriend was adopted and i never know what to say to him. he 17 and we talk alot and sometimes the subject of his adoption will come up. we have tried looking for his parents and i think the toughest part of the whole thing is that theres a good chance we could be second or third or further back cousins and i think its making our relation ship tence we have tried looking for his parents but we are not having any luck. ( he wanted to look too he just didnt know how to go about it and asked me for help!)Sometimes he'll ask me questions but i dont know how to answer them, and i feel realy bad i wish i could understand what hes going though so i guess what im trying to ask is :

when you were 16-18 years old what did you go through?

how did you feel about being adopted?

What were your opinions towards your adoptive parents?

Do you ever feel like your adoptive family isnt really your family?

any other information is gladly welcomed thanks!

Answer 1

Wow You guys are making me rethink adoption...... me & my wife  was thinking about doing it but i certainly dont want to adopt & 18 years from now, somehow i'm the bad guy

Answer 2

I am adopted. My birth family is amazing and they treated it so well, that really.... no question upsets me. I have never ever felt the "I have a whole in my heart" or "I am missing something in my life" type of feelings. I've never even wanted or felt the need to research my birth family or meet them.... but I did in a year or so ago. I met one member of my birth family. Now, I am going through a rough time...but not like what you are describing or what other people would say. I am trying to find a way to tell my 'sister' that I want more space between us. I like her fine... but as a friend. I don't think we could ever be "sisters" in the sense of the word.

It is a strange situation. Is your boyfriend from a loving family? I found that if an adopted person is in a family that has trouble, or that they are troubled in some way.. they are not happy. Finding your birth family is a tricky thing. You HAVE to remember that what you think they are like.. most often they are NOT. Everyone has an idea or a thought of what their birth family will be like - especially those who are not happy ni their current lives. But remember, there is a reason that person was given up.

I have been with several people that I know who are adopted and wanted me to be there when they had their 'reunion'. Out of 6 people I have been with, only 1 was a happy reunion. You have to prepare yourself.

Also, tell your boyfriend that he has to be totally ready for this big step. Once you invite people into your life.... you can't just say you don't want them in it anymore! It is like a tatoo...once it is done, it is with you forever.

Why can't you talk to him about the adoption? Again, I might be biased because my parents were so good with this. I don't get why people get so upset...but then again, I have known people who were told only when they were older and in not the best of ways. I have known since I was a very young child, and my folks did such a good job that all I know is that I was given up, I am very loved, and that I have a special life. I don't feel the least bit sad, or upset about any of it.

I respect my birth mother for her strength she needed to have to give me up and the love she must have had to make sure I was ok in the world. I have done so much with my life.... gone to university, working in film in NYC, and am now going to med school next fall... all of which I would never have had the opportunity to do if I had stayed with this birth family. My life is so rich.. not in monetary things, but in opportunity and expericences. How could I feel bad about that?

I am just saying that your boyfriend might be feeling bad because it wasn't handled the right way...but you have to remind him that sometimes it is for the best. He is not any lesser a person... in fact, he is so loved that he was chosen to be given a second change in life. How lucky is that?

(sorry for any spelling mistakes... I don't have time to wait for this program to go through this... have to run. I will be late for work! lol)

Answer 3

ugh.  i wish i had someone like you when i was 17.  just someone who even cared enough to ask.  i wish you knew how amazing you are:)

i didn't like being adopted.  i loved my family, but i didn't like being different.

also, i wondered about my mother constantly.  i missed her, and i had never even met her.  it was weird to miss someone soooooo much, without knowing them.

i felt like my family loved me, and i totally loved them, but it felt weird, like i dropped in out of the sky and had no past.

i'm so glad he has you.....:)

Answer 4

Being a teenager is tough - being an adoptee teenager is even tougher.

It's very hard coming to terms with who you are - which the teenage years are all about - it's even harder if we don't know our truth - our story - who we look, act and have talents like - it's just HARD.

It's even HARDER - when we have adoptive parents that dismiss our questions - and act all hurt - as if it's all about them - when - in fact - it's all about us - and they just need to get over themselves.

I always felt that I had something missing.

I always felt like I have a hole in my heart.

I always wanted to search - but always felt so torn - as I didn't want to hurt my a-family.

Most adoptees always feel torn between the family they were born to and the family they grew in - and it's made even harder when either family asks us to choose a side - because we don't want to - we didn't choose to be adopted - we just want to know and love ALL our families - and have them ALL love and accept us just the way we are.

When he does want to start searching - (and without his a-parents help - he'll probably have to wait until he's 18) - I'll put up a few links with places he can start.

Assure him that he's not alone - and it's helpful to find other adoptees to talk to - as only adoptees really really get this stuff.

First - add your details to the registries here

http://www.isrr.net/

http://registry.adoption.com/

Check here for information on your state records here -

http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/?...

Check here for search help - and links to free search angels -

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

And check here for any support - it's the best online forum for adoptees I've found -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/

All the very best with everything.

Answer 5

When he turns 18 he can petition the state department for his birth records.  He should be able to find his biological parents that way.  I am assuming his adoptive parents didn't ever meet his biological parents.  

Remind him that his adoptive parents CHOSE him.  Most people learn to love the children that are born to them.  His parents had to go out of their way to find the child that would be theirs.  He is just as much their child as if he was born to them.

Answer 6

couple of things first, apple-every teen goes through something like this, adopted or not. but being an adoptive parent means you gotta deal with many things you as a biological child will never even think of. be honest and never shun the biological parent and i think you will find your way.

and never, ever tell your boyfriend he was "choosen" (blah!) it means nothing, not when he is feeling the loss that he is. it will only make his confusion worse.

as for your questions

at 16-18, i was ok, 13-14 was awful for me. that was when the meaning of 'adopted' sunk in. i had always been the oddball of the family, and i just wanted to fit in. i never did, and never will-but i am ok with that now. i enjoy my oddball status in my family.

i personally have few adoption issues. i am thankful for what i was offered. but many do not have the peace i have. everyone is different. my adoption was done right, for the right reasons and my family never hid or shunned that fact.

i adore my adpotive family-now. i had your usual anger and hostile feelings toward them growing up. like every other teen in the world. thats why its called growing up. you move past it and see your parents for what they truly are.

i always felt like my afamily wasnt truly my family. until i got older. the grass is always greener on the other side. living a life with my biofamily seemed so glamorous. since i have found them both now-i can tell you it would not have been anything but a total disaster. but they have grown up too, so our relationship is strong.

there is no magic words to make his feelings go away. he will need to find his own way. you are a wonderful person for caring so much to try to help. lots of people feel the loss we feel for a family we never knew is crazy. but its not. it honestly is there.

take possums links and let him peruse around on them. he will see his emotions are normal. he is not alone. even i, a happy content adoptee have issues linked to my adoption. like attachment-i just cant let people get too close. of never feeling like i am 'home'.

some of us are angry, some of us are hurt, some of us are completely lost.....but none of our feelings are wrong.

i wish i had some wonderful magic formula to give you to help him on his way, but it doesnt exist. but with some support and faith, he will find his own way. best of luck to you guys.