I need help with grammar problems in this essay?

Question

i asked this before and

people haven't been that nice.

This summer was different. I had never been as excited for a summer break as I had been for this break. I expected to spend much time with all new friends from freshman year. It was week before the summer started, my mom told me about our upcoming family trip to Seoul, S Korea. My summer dream was shattered. To be in foreign country for whole summer without any friends or the beach or the mall was unimaginable! So with anger and disappointment, we left California. Once I arrived in Seoul, everything was to my dislike: overly populated city, no American show on TV, International Academy which I had to attend, humid and hot weather etc. I spent days after days darning my summer and missing California.

It was half way through the summer at Seoul, when I realized I could still have fun summer in Seoul. I was wasting my summer missing California, when in fact I had a whole new different city in front of me. My nostalgia for California was stopping me from having fun in Seoul. I took subway and rode bus everyday to go to many places. I made friends with people from all around the world at the International Academy. I went shopping in the biggest shopping streets in Seoul. I saw the river that actually flows. I went to the beach that was so clear that I could see the school of fishes swimming. I walked among the crowds in the streets. I could do so many things that I cannot do in Ventura. I finally had fun when I stopped missing California. And I learned. I learned that an already filled bag cannot be filled with new experiences and new memories. I couldn’t see the Seoul and all the fun I could have had because I was only looking across the Pacific Ocean-to California.

If I have one suit case to pack to leave to a new place, I would pack absolutely nothing. I would leave it empty with openness, eagerness, and enthusiasm to welcome the new adventure. I would leave it empty to fill it with new knowledge, experiences, and memories. Because why dwell in the past which I will never be able to return to, when I have the present to enjoy. Life is adventure.

thank you!

Answer 1

Well first off, the essay was pretty good. You did a good job of captivating the reader. Some things to watch out for though, your use of the word I is definitely a big one. Typically, if this is for school of course, I shouldn’t be used in excess even when its first person point of view, it becomes repetitive and in my opinion disrupts the flow of the entire essay. Watch out for repeating your words as well, if you mention Seoul in the beginning of the sentence for example, don’t use it at the end of it, it is already understood. This also becomes very repetitive.

Never abbreviate words like south for S., or television for TV, write it out always! In this sentence:  Once I arrived in Seoul, everything was to my dislike: overly populated city, no American show on TV, International Academy which I had to attend, humid and hot weather etc., there is no need for a colon, comma’s work just as fine and you should really try and steer clear of those punctuations. Also, contractions! That is another major no. Do not write couldn’t, write it out, could not, all teachers will tell you this, it makes the essay more professional and therefore serious.  Lastly, read, read and read! Make sure to always check, and recheck your work as you had some simple grammatical errors which I will revise. Ask your parents or a friend to read it just for some fresh eyes to miss any mistakes you may have. Oh, and vocabulary use, watch out for that! Vocabulary always makes it flow nicer so check out M-W.com for new words.  And watched out for paragraphs! Make sure to start new ones so that it is not one big block of text! And indent!

Okay, so I am not going to change much since I don’t want to word it too differently for you, but here is a fixed version!

Revised:

     This summer was different. I had never been so excited for a summer break as I had been for this one. I expected to spend all of my time with my new friends from freshman year, but then it all happened so fast and my plans changed abruptly. It was week before the summer started when my mom told me about our upcoming family trip to Seoul, South Korea. My summer dreams were shattered in an instant. To be in foreign country for the whole entire summer without any friends, any beach, any mall, (personally, I think the mall part sounds a little childish, you can remove it if you want) it was all unimaginable! Reluctantly, being forced to pack my bags angry and disappointed, we left my perfect summer behind in California and headed for my nightmare. Once I arrived in Seoul, everything seemed wrong like the overly populated cities, no familiar shows on the television, the International Academy I was forced to attend, the humid and hot weather, my head seemed to be swirling. I spent days upon days wishing I was somewhere far away, on a beach with all my friends, not here in a place like this.

     It was half way through the summer at Seoul when I realized I could still have a fun summer. I had been wasting my entire summer missing California when in fact I had a whole new different city in front of me filled with possibility. My nostalgia for California was stopping me from having fun in Seoul. So I decided it was time to stop wishing for something I did not have and make the best of what I did. I took the subway and rode bus everyday to go to all these different, new places. I made friends with people from all around the world at the International Academy, went shopping in the biggest shopping streets in Seoul, walked among the crowds in the streets, saw a river that actually flowed, went to a beach that was so clear I could see a school of fish swimming. I could do so many things that were not possible in Ventura (I would write California just to be clear to the reader. Not everyone will know where Ventura is even when you made a reference to California earlier). I finally had fun when I stopped missing California, and I learned that an already filled bag can be filled with new experiences and new memories. I could not see Seoul for what it was and all the fun I could have had because I was only looking across the Pacific Ocean-to Californi( I would remove this scentence, it is repetitive of what you said).

     If I had one suitcase to pack to go to a new place, I would pack absolutely nothing. I would leave it empty with openness, eagerness, and enthusiasm to welcome the new adventure (Really good scenetence!). I would leave it empty to fill it with new knowledge, experiences, and memories. Because  (never start with because) Why dwell in the past when I have the present to enjoy. Life is adventure, don’t forget that (one exception to the contraction rule here. It just sound better).

Answer 2

Biggest problem I see is you have a singular vs plural issues throughout your essay. Examples: "To be in foreign country for whole summer " should read "To be in a foreign country" as you are referring to one country.  "for whole summer" should read either "for a whole summer" or "for the whole summer" (a form would be generic summer, while the refers to that specific summer. In this case both are acceptable). "have fun summer in Seoul." should read "have a fun summer in Seoul." The last sentence "Life is adventure. " should read "Lie is an adventure." While this is a correct sentence and meets all the requirements for a sentence, it is a pretty weak conclusion sentence and i'd recommend changing it to something stronger. As for plural issues, examples such as "no American show on TV" should read "no American shows on TV". Remember, singular tends to use the word a or an, while plural typically has the letter s (not all words use s as the plural form).