I need help with my break up, it was a 5 yr relationship...can't seem to move on?

Question

Hey,

I got out of a 5 yr relationship in march, yes it's been awhile but still... anyway, I left him cuz of his drug/drinking habits and he just stopped paying attention to me, it just always seemed like he didn't want to commit 100% to me. Anyway, I haven't talked to him at all, he tried contacting me via txt msgs a few times but I didnt write back, I went to Europe for 2 months and didnt try to date or meet anyone new, I just wanted to clear my head.... so when I come back, I hear that he has a girlfriend who he started dating after 4 months after I broke up with him. . . . I contacted him to talk to him see whats going on how he's been etc. and then he tells me that I broke his heart and that he's been miserable and that he still loves me and can never love anyone like the way he loves me and that he started dating to forget me so he could finally move on.... one thing leads to another we got very emotional and had a very deep conversation and we ended up kissing... it gave me hope I guess that we might get back together, then he tells me that he cant and that he wants to stay with this new girl, she is nothing like me at all, I'm in medical school, I don't really drink or go to bars, I like more of a chill atmosphere with friends, and this girl is a total party/bar hopper, she works at hooters and she has a dancer job on the side(like a stripper or go-go dancer cuz i saw pics of her in lounderie saying she's at work).... anyway, I just felt like he lifted me up and then brought me down again and just wrecked my life again by giving me some hope... out of hurt I msg her telling her that we kissed, I didnt go into details and he turns it all around saying that I tried kissing him and he didnt move fast enough so the kiss happened and he told her all these elaborated stories about how I'm a psycho and that he was never happy with me etc to keep her..... which worked....

and now i'm just really hurt, he stopped all contact with me and I'm hurt because he called me psycho and told her some secrets that he shouldnt have told her and is going around saying that im psycho to everyone and how i want him.... it just really hurts and i cant stop thinking about it, or stop thinking about him... yes i should prolly move on w someone else but im not really looking or have found anyone i can see myself with. I just dont know what to do..... i have nightmares about this and can't get it out of my head, can't relax, i just want to yell at him and flip out for doing what he did, especially for reasons why we broke up also and the **** he put me thru in our relationship.... how do i get past this?

Answer 1

Why did you call him if it wasn't to stir up old feelings and cause trouble with his new girl friend?  Why couldn't you just grow up and go find a new boy friend?  Because some women fall in love with their abusers, and have such low self esteem that they figure no one else could ever love them.  Get out of there before you get HIv from a dirty needle.

Answer 2

yah.. ur better than this.

first of all, see this rationally, not emotionally.  he has a new girlfriend, she works at hooters and is a stripper.  what kind of values does he have right now? ur in medical school and do not party much???

so if u can tell from this, he wants a party girl. u are not that. and yes, he may have kissed u back last time, or called u a psycho. either way, he is manipulative and not strong enough to tell you No. but then again, many guys aren't =T. so u have to look back at yourself. why do u want him? why do u love him? regardless of how he's treated u? regardless of his drug addictions?

ask urself, what kidn of Man do u want? what kind of Man will take care of you? someone who is successful, smart and motivated? someone who respects u and supports u thru med school?  or someone who makes u feel 2nd class to a hooter's girl (no offense to her, but a very different personality and situation as you.).  don't pine after someone who Doesn't want what you offer. why not wait til u find someone who loves u for ur motivations and goals?

so this turns back onto You. u gotta love urself first before u can expect someone to love u.  because only then will u be able to wait and watch for someone who you Deserve. if u are insecure or do not feel like u deserve the very Best, then u will settle w/ someone who will treat u like this.

i suggest if ur interested to read The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyers. she's a christian writer but it's more of a self reflective type of book. i think whether or not u are religious doesn't matter as much as the values and life lessions she talks about. it helped me a lot during my break up, and now i'm w/ a Wonderful guy... :)  its not all attributed to her book, but mostly just looking at myself and what kidn of woman i wanted to be. i'm alot more productive and happy than when i was w/ my ex boyfriend. good luck

Answer 3

re: how do i get past this?

......google self esteem tips!

Answer 4

YOU DO NOT "NEED" to move on with ANYONE else hon.

You NEED to figure out why you want a guy who is an addict,who treated you like c**p.

Are you DESPERATE and  afraid no one else will want you?

Your tLC and whats between your legs did not change him, and if it eases your mind at all, the girl he is with NOW won't change him.They will not be together a year from now.How do I know that?

No 2 drunks can get along and when both of them are blowing all their money partying and expecting the other to pay the bills and they bills don;t get paid, they will be at one another's throats.

Next,he will at some point want her to quit stripping and she won't want to because the money supports her drug and alcohol habit.

Will he come running back to you?If you are available yes, but it doesn't mean he has changed.It just means he needs a place to sleep and he is lonely hurt and horny,and will resume his same life style.

You need to live alone for a while hon and before you start dating at all, you need to get over this guy.It isn't fair to use someone just to ease your broken heart.That is wrong and it is selfish.

Next BEFORE you even date a guy you get to know  something aabout him FIRST.Like does he work?Does he have his own place?Does he have a criminal record?An addiction problem?

If yes to the first 2 and no to the last 2 then proceed with caution.If the guy smokes weed or drinks, forget him.You want to meet a decent guy,get in church.Your not going to meet a decent guy in a bar,a party, a night club or strip joint.

Answer 5

I'm sorry hun but that is what you get for going & hooking up w/someone who is in a relashonship.....It doesnt matter how long you WERE together, the point is your not anymore! And then you had the nerve to go & tell her? What did you expect to happen of course he would say those things about you to make sure he didnt loose her....he probably wanted to use you for s*x....you need to move on, you deserve better then being in the back seat for someone you spent 5 years of your life with!

Answer 6

I think you should go out with some good friends and keep buzz. Breaking up is always hard. Be the better person and let it go one day you found someone who be on the same level as you.

Answer 7

I am in a similar situation as you....i was in a 4 year relationship...that ended in April....I wont go into the details.  

I really think it is the heat of the moment for him right now.  He is in the honeymoon stage of this new relationship...which will probably last for sometime.  I do believe when he said "he still loves you and wont love anyone more" he meant it.I think the truth is you hurt him....and when a guy's ego is hurt he gets very defensive.  

I would just recommend trying to move on...which is hard to do (since you were with him a long time).  I am trying to do that now....but it's hard and sometimes I wonder if it's not fair to the other person since you aren't completely moved on)....but atleast it will get your mind off things.  The truth is....if he is meant to be....he will come back.  Give it time....and if he doesn't.....he wasn't meant to be.

Just try and keep busy...it's very hard.....but you can do it.  I have been running a lot...hanging out with friends I put on the back burner while I was in my relationship....and doing things for myself....this is your time to be selfish. =)  Work on yourself.  =)  

Good Luck...be strong....

Answer 8

you need to realize that your past is your past. leave it there. MOVE FORWARD. You are only holding yourself back in your life by dwelling on this guy. Yeah you loved him but he's immature and how does it make you feel that he'd date a stripper? That shouldn't make you feel good about the type of class he has, you are better than that.

Dont let "your story" define yourself. Get a new story, put yourself in your books, do you, be the best you can be, make new friends in school, re-unite with old friends you may have lost while with him. Either way, just move on, he is holding you back, your eyes are clouded right now but eventually they will be clear and you will see that all this trouble was not worth your precious short time on this earth.

Re-read the question and pretend that you'd answer it for someone else.

Also, I asked a ? on here once and someone told me to read the book "A New Earth"

It's pretty good for things like this! I also have my own personal favorite "In the meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant.

Answer 9

It always amazes me how intelligent women can get mixed up with some of the strangest men. Look, this guy is not worth losing sleep over, you know it and I know it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and consider all of the good things that you are. Everybody has had their heart broken or misused at one time or another, they used it as a learning experience and moved on.

If this is really bothering you that much, you might want to consider some counseling, frnakly I don't think you need it, you just need to realize that you are intelligent attractive women that has a lot to offer. I cam guarantee you that their are plenty of men out there who appreciate those qualities. Good Luck

Answer 10

you contacted him after 2 months, why?  maybe you are a psycho.  you want to move on but yet you talk to him.  he was probably telling your that you are a psycho and stuff to hurt you to get you to leave him alone.