I need help with my mom, what should I do?

Question

It is a really long story, well of course it is, it's my life :P Anyway, basically my mom is a no show. My parents split when i was 7, and she was an alcoholic, so if my dad didnt get me, i would have went to a foster home. so she made things harder for my dad, because if she didnt have me, she didnt want my dad to have me, so she tried hard to get me into a foster home... i grew up with my aunt and dad, my mom isnt sick anymore, but she has never paid any child support. my dad was single, and had to raise two kids, and had a hard time doing it, and she didn't really care. and it's not that she doesn't have money, because after he mom died, she got $90, 000 and nothing went to me. i rarely ever see her, and been very angry with her for a long time. her sister wants me to start a relationship with her, but my dad and aunt say that she will hurt me, shes not a good person, and she never helped me growing up, so why should i? she rarely calls, and she started her own life because she had a kid. should i just live my life without her, like i've been doing for 8 years, and i'm fine with, or should i try to start a mother daughter relationship going between us? I need an outsiders opinon. thanks

Answer 1

thats tough!

im the forgiving type so i would say try having dinner-just the two of you.

ask her all the questions on your mind, get it all out in the open.

if she doesnt show any remorse or change. you r probably better off on your own and use the strength youve gained through the years to start your own relationship or grow as an independent person.

good luck!

Answer 2

Pretty deep...

My life philosophy has always been to trust your gut. Really search down and decide what YOU want to do. If you still have any indecision, flip a coin, and if the result seems to be what you were hoping for, that's what you do. If the result feels a little "crappy", then you for sure will know what you want. I'm not telling you that a coin should make the decision for you, but you will get a "feeling" as to which side of the fence your heart is on.

For example, once I couldn't decide if I wanted to go out drinking with my wife or stay home and drink with her. I flipped a coin and the coin decided that we should go out. Only then did I realize that I was actually looking forward to staying in. Problem solved.

I realize your problem is a little deeper but, the coin thing will help. Trust me on that.

Also, don't let anyone stand in the way of what you want to do. You can't feel selfish when you're looking for the things that make YOU happy. Once you're happy, then you spread happiness to others. :)

Answer 3

I have a father who is a bit like your mother. I've tried off and on to start a relationship with him. I've learned it takes two to tango. Its not "in him" to be a father. Some people should never become parents, and do anyway. Do you like her personality now? Maybe if you do you can view her as a friend, but viewing her as your mother is probably going to hurt you. Its not "in her" to be one. I once went 6 years without speaking to my father thinking it would hurt him- it didn't. You never can tell with some people what makes them tick. I have children of my own and know that I could NEVER go more than a day without talking to them. I would like the world to be a nicer place and give you a more positive answer, but people don't REALLY change. Be careful and let her be.

Answer 4

If I was in your place I think I would try a long distance relationship with her you know talk with her on the phone, emails, mail. I would do this long distant relationship for a year to make sure she doesnt get ansy, rude, sick, etc.

Answer 5

There is a lot of bitterness in you because of what your mom has done in the past.  That is understandable, and you have first got to forgive her entirely before you can embrace her as a mom.  Yet, there is still that desire to reconnect with her--- that is innate.  So--- do all you can--- send pictures, cards, etc. on birthdays, holidays, etc.  But don't set yourself up to be hurt over and over.  She will have to want this type of reconnect as much as you for it to work--- nobody can be forced.  Just do your part, and within yourself you will have no guilt feelings.  That is all you can do.  So many other people share this same problem in today's world--- Toni D.  

Answer 6

understand this, your mom is still an alcoholic even if she isn't drinking.  there are only two kinds: those who are in recovery and those who are not.  she's a lousy parent and has failed you in so many ways.  I suggest you try to find her just to confirm what everyone is telling you about her, but don't get your hopes up and YES do try to form a healthy bond with another adult woman who can better help you grow up and be there for you.