I need honest advise regarding behavior issue with a 9yr old boy, no smart a** comments or opinions please?

Question

My nine year old son is completely out of control. He steals, he lies, he beats up on his 7 yr old brother and he picks on his 2 yr old sister. He is the oldest, we absolutely believe in spanking our children and do so often. I have read every book, and watched super nanny and tried her techniques. We have done time outs, we have taken things away from him to the point where the only thing left in his room is clothes, everything we have tried and nothing works and I need some real advise. My husband is his step dad and has been in our lives for well over 5 years now and my son still gives him no respect despite all of my husband's efforts. My son throws things through out the house, he punches at both myself and my husband.He is in trouble at school, and on the bus.We've tried allowing him to be invovled in sports by his choice. Nothing has worked he just seems to be getting worse. I don't know what to do, anybody have any suggestions? No rude opinions please.

Answer 1

Wow. it sounds like you have tried everything. But try, whenever he does something, grab his arms and just sing to him. and play music in his room before he goes to bed.  Now don't mark me off as a nut, music soothes the mind.

Answer 2

i also have a 9yr old that is totally disrespectful time and is rude and pesters his twin 4 yr old brothers constantly. he thinks that it is alright for him to punish his brothers by hitting them or "spanking" them. the only thing different is that me and his dad are still married, but he doesn't make him mind i am the "mean one" he says. i was raised to respect your parent esp your mother, i have been trying to raise my kids the same way but none of my boys respect me. i have grounded them, made the oldest stand in the corner, busted them but nothing seems to be working. i have sacrificed every thing for my kids you would think that at lease on of them would respect and mind me, but they don't.

so if you find any new suggestion, LET ME KNOW......  PLEASE

Answer 3

Ground him. You should ground him. Put him in his room. Don't let him come out. He can eat in his room.

Answer 4

could it be a side effect of the medication? meds can certainly have an impact on behavior.  maybe talk to the pediatrician about it.

otherwise, consider getting some family counseling rather than just counseling for him.  i don't mean by that at all to say you're not competent parents, but that if you go to counseling as a family, the counselor can probably help you with detailed suggestions that might really work for your particular son in your particular family situation.  a paragraph of disiciplinary advice from strangers over the internet is probably not going to be the cure-all for your problem.

good luck.

Answer 5

ADHD...PILLS

I'm so against this..seeing how many children are on this and how screwed up their lives have become because of it!!

Try some different family counseling and if the first thing they tell you is to give him pills RUN to another one who will spend the time to help you to get control again...You can find the answer without meds ! A lot will disagree with me but you research this and you will see for yourself.

Hang in there and Good Luck

Answer 6

Sounds like you're trying really hard.  Have you taken him to a behavioral specialist?  You get his pediatrician to recommend one.  I would in a hurry before he outgrows you.  Seems like something he is having as much a hard time controlling as you are.  Maybe write to Super nanny and see if you can get her to come over and offer new ideas?

Answer 7

well, my sister has a son like this,  he's a little hellion.  i love him to death and wouldn't give a thing for him but.....he has a younger sister she's 2 and he's 7.  at my house he is a perfect angel. at er house he gets into trouble a lot.  with having a young child she doesn't have the time to spend with her son that she needs.  i think is just trying to get attention, any way he can.  wether it's neg. or pos. i am sure that your son is tired of sharing his mom and dtepdad with the other kids.  i firmly believe in punishment myself but, when my son starts having trouble in school or acts up at home i take him to the movies or go bowling just the 2 of us.  no dad or younger sister.  it works every time.  just taking the time to show him one on one time is great for letting him know i love him just as much as anyone else and mom is always there for him.

Answer 8

I think you might find you have to see a counsellor as a family kids like this tend to behave like this because they feel "life's not fair" & "everyones against me" You & your husband although probably not consciously have contributed to your son feeling this way - you have to try and build bridges & retrain his mind to feel more self worth - a family counsellor will help you do this. It will take a big effort & you have to lose all grudges about the past & forgive.

Also you don't mention spending a great amount of time with your son this is also very damaging he is only nine he needs loads of one to one time & help especially with the adhd etc.

Answer 9

I have a 7yr old exactly like this.  He is currently on Adderall xr15mg 1x daily, adderall 5mg 2x daily and Tenex .5 mg morning and .25mg evening for anger management.  He has been on meds since he was 4.  I wish there was a way to wave a magic wand and make it be better, but I can't. It is really hard.  I religiously use 1-2-3 Magic.  Get the book...read it...live it.  I can not imagine not knowing this super cool secret.

Answer 10

WOW!!!! You poor thing....well have you tried speaking to his doctor? Is it possible that his behavior is something that he can't control on his own? I know that ADD and ADHD seem to have become a quick fix in todays society...just put em on a pill and they'll be fine...kind of thing....BUT really what if it is something that he can't control, and he really does need the help of some medication? Just a thought....sounds to me like you have tried everything else as far as decipline is concerned and so I don't really know what else to suggest. I guess you could always try "Tuff Love" and sent him to some type of kids Boot Camp and show him how bad his life really is NOT! GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Reference to your additional comments....since he is ADHD and on meds.....have you had the meds checked recently to see if the doc can change to something else, his body may not respond to that type and you may need a different med or a higher dosage!

Answer 11

You seem to be trying everything. You didn't mention this one, so I'll bring it up. You may have already done it. Have you tested him for allergies? Some children are allergic to red dye used in a lot of foods, and it causes severe behavior reactions, rage, out of control.

A family member of mine had a lot of problems at a young age. He beat up his sister, his dog, when parents sent him to his room one night, he jumped out of the second story window because he wanted to play outside.. Once they found out about his allergy they went from there.

Just a random hopefully helpful suggestion

I have to add, if spanking hasnt worked yet, it wont work now. It can be just like long lectures, people learn to tune it out. I'm not trying to criticise your method, but it just never made sense to me "I hit you for hitting your sibling." I believe in leading by example. Spanking shows kids that you can solve problems by violence. If you want him to use his words, then you have to use your words. You cant hit your spouse, you cant hit your neighbor, you cant even hit your neighbor's dog, but you would hit a defenseless child? Just a thought.

Answer 12

well you could try to get one of those super nanny ladys to come and help you. i'm not kiding they can really help.

Answer 13

I would get to see if his has ADHD. It sounds that he might have that. If he does the doctor could prescribe him something that could help him. you could on abc. com go to suppernanny their give you advice I think you can ask questions but you could apply for the show and then she come and it work out. I have problems with my six year old and nothing to seem to work but he has ADHD and getting medicine..

Answer 14

are you consistent in your discipline? it sounds like youre pretty much doing the right things ( of course this is based  on info from one short post) but are you doing it  EVERY time? or are you letting him slide sometimes. i know it gets frustrating as all get out and can be tempting to let some things slide when we dont want to  deal with it right then, but if its not every time then they dont know where the lines are drawn. i have a  9 year old girl but ive been very lucky with her  shes well mannered, well behaved, i can trust her. i spank, but she hasnt needed  it for a  very long time now, ive got a 12 week old boy too, if hes anything like his dad he will be spanked plenty im sure  lol. anyhow, i dont know what else to suggest, i hope this helps :) good luck.

Answer 15

Wow sounds like you are working really hard for this child that is still struggling. First thing that I would recommend is that at some point you try to take time for yourself. Dealing with a high needs child is demanding and impossible if you do not take care of yourself. Next since there are professionals in his life I would use them. I would keep a journal or behaviour log and bring it with you to meet with the counsellors and the doctors. They may have some suggestions. Include in the log the consequences for the behaviour and don't forget to add in those positive times that are so hard to find. Talk to his doctor perhaps his medication may need adjusting or changed. Good luck and hang in there. You are trying everything that you can.

Answer 16

At my house, we use a "Point System". My mom got the book "The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child", and it has changed our family for the better. My twin brother and I are 14, so if the Point system can work for us, it can probably work for a 9 year old, too. How you make a point system is to create a chart, with all of the things you want your son to do, (For ex. Wake up on time, Pick up his room, do his homework...)  Then create the point values, say 1 point for little things and 2 points for big things. Then you create a rewards chart, like for 5 points he gets to do something he likes, and for 10 points he can get a new spiderman toy... But the thing is that you cannot take away points, and all the things on the chart must be "positive", they can't be "Don't beat up little brother", they should be, "Respect adults and siblings"... That could be worth 10 points, as he has problems with it. Also, the reason he probably uses physical violence on the people around him is because his parents use it on him, in my opinion, you shouldn't spank him. But good luck with the point system! And if you have any questions about it, just ask. :)

Emily, 14

Answer 17

If nothing works, then its time to see a specialist (no super nanny is not a specialist)

Contact a mental health professional in your area.  Have them check out your son.

I would seek advice from a psychologist in this case, not a psychiatrist.  Psychologists are not MDs and will not instantly prescribe medication.

There is too much that could be an issue that diagnosis online would be improper.   Sometimes over disciplining a child is just as bad as under disciplining your child.

If there are times where he acts good, try to duplicate those conditions.

If he is always out of control, more then likely he has a medical problem that needs to be addressed.

Also sit down and look at your own lives.  If your current husband or previous husband abuses you, it would be learned behavior.  If either of you give each other little respect, that would be learned behavior.

Just reaching for straws though, he needs a professional evaluation.

Answer 18

Have you tried seeing a counselor for his behavior? I mean, I know many people don't want to admit that they need something that "drastic" but it may help.

Answer 19

Sounds serious...and scary.

I feel your pain.

We had to get our oldest into therapy. Not just school counsellors, although they continued. We considered in-patient hospitaliation, and military school. Finally,We had family therapy AND one-on-one.- for everyone. We ended up having to give him meds (please no comments-we thought long and hard, and I've heard them all-this was a safety issue).  I finally gave in to the therapist, and meds the day my son stabbed his brother with a broken hockey stick.(minor wound, but terrifying). It took months, we were alternately disillusioned and hopeful. then slowly, things improved.

After 2 years, life is better. In a year, he no longer needed the meds- but he is an isloated case. We still have some anger issues, but we watch him like a hawk, with his siblings, (but still give him some room).

Once the issues came out in therapy,(why he was so angry, how we felt,etc) and he was able to see what he was doing, changes were dramatic.

I wish you luck but I do think it's time for the big guns. This is a safety issue- for everyone, no one deserves to live in a war zone. Make an appointment before someone gets really hurt.

You are not alone, lots of people have these problems, and with help, they get better.

Edit- My son had "let-down" with adderal- became psychotic in the evenings, switching him to ritalin, ended that- at age 6.

But  he was 11 when he stabbed his brother- so I still say family counselling is the way to go. They have dealt with this before and are full of ideas, some work, some don't, but they also have collegues to give them more!

Good luck

Answer 20

If there is an anger mgmt. class that you could get him in that might help. What type of meds. is he on right now if any? Be aware that you may have to try out different meds until you find the right one. It sounds as if he has other issues besides behavior. ODD-oppositional defiant disorder-does not like authority & they want to be in control. OCD-obsessive compulsive disorder-he doesn't think about the consequences to his actions. Have you tried behavior modification? I know how hard this is because I went through it w/my son. He is also 10 y/o. We have been going through this since he was 5. It has taken 5 years to get him on the right path. I promise that it will get better just have faith & believe in your son. Never give up on him. If you would like to talk more feel free to email me [e-mail]. Sometimes it helps just to talk to someone. I wish you the best of luck w/this situation.