I need ideas on stopping my 4-year-old's tantrums?

Question

I've got a smart, active 4-year-old. She's very willful and curious and not at all good at following orders. As a kid, I was pretty much the same way. When she gets in trouble or a teacher presses her to do something she's not interested in, she rebels and even throws tantrums sometimes.

We're trying various tactics, but so far we're striking out and I feel like we're focussing too much on the bad, rather than finding ways to kill the urge to rebel and reward / focus on her good points (like I said, she's clever as heck).

So... does anyone else have experience or suggestions on tactics for making a willful 4 or 5 year old *WANT* to obey?

Answer 1

'Focus' of any sort equates to attention.

This is a bright kid, probably soaked up information like a sponge in one-to-one situations with you before she began school.

See, if that's the case, throwing tantrums may become increasingly attractive to her as this will achieve two goals for her; it will stop people focusing on the thing she didn't want to do, and it will buy her some very specific attention and interaction and feedback that cuts the rest of the class out of the loop. She is only buying time in the familiarity of one her, one adult.

On the other hand, if attention is what she craves then a very effective method would be to simply ignore the tantrums. I'm not saying to park her on a 'naughty chair', but find some place she can be (or adult she can be with, provided they stalwartly refuse to become engaged in discussion with her) and just get on with class, taking care to praise (and speak directly to) one or two 'good' children; within her earshot. She needs to learn that this tactic no longer works, and that, more than that, she loses out for using it.

She needs to work out for herself that the way to earn one-to-one time and approval from her teacher (or a teaching assistant - perhaps even with a tangible bribe like a whole five minutes 'just us' time at break or the end of school) is to play by the rules. A bright kid like that should be able to grasp exchange of contracts, and it might help her to feel this is all part of a special private deal between her and the teacher, so she doesn't feel so invisible?

Answer 2

Findyourbliss is absolutely correct.  Ignore the tantrums!  CONSISTENCY and CHOICES are the key.  Young children need to start seeing that their choices have consequences and you need to be consistent enough to follow through.  

The best rewards involve TIME and ATTENTION.  You don't want to have a kid who'll do anything a grown up says just to get a Tootsie Roll pop!  Instead think of rewards like reading an extra book at bedtime, going on a walk with mom, helping dad with dinner, etc.

Maybe at school she can try to earn rewards for the whole class (like extra recess or a fun whole group game).  It doesn't have to take much time.  That way her classmates will help her to succeed and view her in a positive light for earning them fun activities.  That social pressure might help.

I tried this in my classroom and it worked really well.  My student who was labeled a "troublemaker" was so proud when he'd earned enough points.  He'd stand up in front of the class, we'd clap for him, and a few students would share what they saw him doing well that day.  Maybe for preschool the teacher could do this part.  Then the other students are also learning what is expected of them in the classroom.

Answer 3

Try a rewards calendar. Each day/morning/afternoon/evening (depending on your needs)  they get through without a tantrum, give them a sticker. (Teacher stores have great little ones that come in sheets of 100). When they accumulate a certain amount, give them a reward. This can be anything from an ice cream to a movie, some extra playtime, stay up 10 minutes later at night, etc. You are the parent so only you know the needs of your child.

Answer 4

One of the things you said really stood out to me, "I feel like we're focusing too much on the bad" it is so much easier to focus when kids are being bad because we want them to stop. My son is four years old and has his moments that it for sure but I have tried lately to catch him being good. If he is quietly drawing or watching tv or playing with his toys I try and remember to notice that and thank him for being good. Sometimes kids throw tantrums because they know that is the number one way to get their parents attention. Also someone else mentioned but kids that are four love choices but don't give them too many because they get overwhelmed and confused. Two or three. Good luck!

Answer 5

Hi

First of all..... WHO IS THE ADULT AND WHO IS THE CHILD.  You need to remember that. You have been on this earth for your age- minus four years.... and that does NOT give your 4 year old the right to control your every waking moment.  Now, that said..... Love is the answer.   Are you keeping your emotions in check when dealing with her. I truly believe that children need  ROUTINE... I do not mean that they do not need to be stiffled or bored or anything. I mean:

  Children need structure and routine or they get 'lost'.  If you take a child ( for example)  to playschool enviroment, that is wonderful...... they have a routine during the day the teachers follow..... minute by minute sometimes..... SO. if you take this child to playschool at 7:30 am.. the çlass is doing THIS or THAT at 7:30 am.  Then you take the child at 11:30 am. the class is doing something different.... another THIS or THAT.. and all the child knows is that when he or she goes to playschool........they are always doing something different when he/she arrives.   Do you understand what I mean by routine?   YOU, THE ADULT, sets the routine for your child. YOU the adult knows what is best of the child in the LONG RUN.   So, first,  no matter what your day brings your way, set up a ROUTINE for your child and STICK TO IT. This way the child learns.. at this time..... we do THIS or THAT.  at this time.or day.. or at dinner table. or playing with other kids, or drawing or painting.. THIS IS HOW WE ACT AND THIS IS HOW WE DO THIS or......... or....... you don't get to do it.  You can talk to your child's doctor for professional advise and suggestions.......  but WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO DO, YOU, THE ADULT, needs to see that YOU DO IT... the child will follow. The child has to follow... YOU SET THE PACE, YOU SET THE RULES..... your child is not going to remember being 4 years old and driving you up the wall.... your child will remember that when you sit at the table for dinner.....THIS IS HOW YOU BEHAVE. PERIOD. end of discussion.  No, I am not meaning ot sound mean, only to sound structured and giving your child a solid foundation so that your child will LEARN  how to live. LEARN how to behave in different situations.  She will use this knowledge throughout her life to make future decisions.  Structure, balance, lots of love,  even temperment on your part. Now, if you WERE the same as a child....... what worked on YOU? What do YOU remember from being 4 years old. What do YOU remember that worked for you to help you make good choices in life.     No matter how hectic your life gets... please... get your CHILD into a nice routine, so she has an idea of what each day will bring........ add the zoo and add creative playtimes and add all you want...BUT, keep the structure the same, that includes  BEDTIMES and such. Most children (maybe not yours) Most children do NOT get enough SLEEP.   The 30 minutes BEFORE bedtime should be a time to reinforce your love and caring for your child in a quiet, calming manner, which gets her ready for sleep and to start over the next day....... start over, in a routine she can understand and adjust to.   WITH  KNOWING that mom/dad will or will NOT approve of certain behaviors.  SO., TRY WHATEVER WORKS,  ask her doctor for suggestions, but please...... Get her in a pattern of KNOWING  what her day schedule will mostly be like and get her to adapt to it. When you gain control OVER her routine........ from waking up to meal times to school times to play times to bedtimes, THEN YOU  WILL REGAIN THE CONTROL YOU NEED AS A MOTHER,  AS THE ADULT IN THE SITUATION AND AS YOUR DAUGHTER KNOWING SHE IS LOVED BY YOU, WHO CARE ENOUGH TO SEE THAT HER BEHAVIOR DOES NOT PUT HER INTO SITUATIONS THAT MAKE HER THE BAD GUY........  proper routines  proper handling of each NEW situation..... then back to the routine.   Well. that is what I have to say about it....

GOOD LUCK

Answer 6

You have to let your child know what is acceptable and what isn't, you're the parent...when she is rebellious, give her a time-out, 5 minutes sitting on a chair or in the corner, if she doesn't obey, take her in your arms, sit her on your lap and hold her, no matter if she resists, yells and tries to get away, hold her firmly and when she calms down sit her on the chair or in the corner...be consistent, every time she acts out let her know you will not tolerate her behavior...once she knows you won't give in to her antics, eventually, it may take a while, but she will sit on the chair or in the corner...when she is good, praise her... you were such a good girl today, I'm so proud of you, lets to go out for ice cream...if you're really a good girl we'll go to chuck e. cheese...what did your parents do when you misbehaved?

Answer 7

Wham, right in the middle. Later he will behave.

Answer 8

When a tantrum is thrown you can try a few different things if you haven't done these already.

- Having her sit out from an activity that she would want to do.  This could be at home or school.  Make her sit and wait until she is no longer throwing a tantrum.

- If she is lying on the ground doing the "whole 9", sometimes planned ignoring stops it.  Just continue what you are doing, and pay no attention to her.

-If you want to give her an incentive that would be good.  Not something like candy.  She needs to learn that she should listen and behave without a reward.  Give her something like time to play, or if she has a favorite game, or thing to do.  If she behaves you can spend time doing something she wants.  Even maybe just giving stickers or filling a jar with marbles.  Maybe once she has so many she will get time to do something she wants.

Focusing on the bad behavior is something you should try to avoid.  If you have other children and have teacher do this as well.  Point out how the other children are behaving so well.  This usually will get ones attention.  When children tantrum they are wanting attention.  This is why ignoring can work well.    If you give attention to good behavior that may help her to stop. Try and keep track of her tantrums.  See how long they last, what they involve, and when she is having them.  If you try something new to stop, write it down and see what affect it has on all of those things.  

Good luck!

Answer 9

"Findyoubliss" and "Madbaggages" have GREAT ideas! That is exactly the advice I would have given. If you want results, try their techniques. I've seen a lot of fits and the things they talk about are exaclty what I do to get them under control.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Don't give in. Let them have time out sitting in their room for 20 Min's each time you have it happen and reward them when they are good

Answer 11

use mouth to mouth blow air in his lungs,

Answer 12

if he thros himself on the ground and kicks around until he cant breth the dont panic just put him in a room close the door  this will make him angery but he will put himeself to sleep

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Answer 13

Choices. Give her choices about everything. As long as the 2 things to choose from are acceptable to you and it disturbs no one else on the face of the earth, let her choose. Do it to the point of idiocy. Which shoes to wear, what foot to put on first, do you want to put them on or should mom put them on, Orange juice or milk, the blue cup or the green cup.... you get the point I suppose.

I too have a very intelligent, strong willed child. It is hard when the mother is stong willed as well. This technique gives her control over her world for most of the day. She will then be more willing to do things that she 'has' to do. Especially when you point out to her all the things she did get to choose all on her own.

When the fits happen, I just do my "what a bummer". I say that pick my DD up and place her in her room. Shut the door, lock it if needed and she gets to have her fit, I get to go do something else. Of course if you have one that gets REALLY wild fit proof the room. When she is done, I go get her, give her a hug and kiss, say I love you and we get on with our day. The fits are now rare, and when she hears the "what a bummer" song she tries to stop most of the time.

Something else that has worked for us is to encourage the fit. I tell her that she really needs to get louder, or to do it the right way she needs to lay down and kick her feet, oh and don't forget to pound the hands.  Most of the time my DD will cross her arms and say that she doesn't want to throw a fit. Then she will just go and sulk alone.

You can tell by the fit which one of these will work.

Be consistant.

Good Luck

Answer 14

You will have to find a system and stick to it. A gold star chart and time-out's, etc.  You should also pay more attention to why these tantrums are happening. Could she be tired, hungry? Does she dislike change? Perhaps she needs to be given more notice of what is going to happen, i.e. In 20 min we will be going home, in 15 min.. etc. My son used to throw tantrums because he didn't want to *stop* what he was doing, although it looked like he didn't want to do the thing I was telling him to do. I had to remind him that the thing we were going to do was just as interesting as the thing we were finishing. Try keeping a journal if a pattern doesn't jump out at you.

Answer 15

What did your mother do?

personally i just walk away, do the dishes or something and let them wail away. the reason children throw tantrums is to upset YOU so if its not working, it will stop.

do you have other children? another thing i do is talk to another child very sweetly, ask them if they would like some ice cream or to watch a movie. The crying child becomes interested and wants some ice cream too.

when they have calmed down explain to them that thats not what big girls do, being kind and calm while speaking.

children are very smart and liked being talked to like an adult.

email me if you are interested in other ideas..

Answer 16

When they start throwing a tantrum, get down face level with them so that you are not towering over them, talk to them in a calm controlled voice and let them know you are not going to accept their behavior. Explain what they did wrong and then put them in a place away from others for timeout. Continue the process even if it takes all day.

Children usually get pretty bored after awhile when alone. If they attempt to leave timeout, escort them back and otherwise do not give in to their demans or provide them the attention they are craving by the tantrum.

They will soon get the hint that tantrums are not rewarding them with attention, only a boring timeout spot.

Answer 17

My kids would do the same thing, but as kids I never gave in to their tantrums, no matter what. Sometimes i had to slap them, but it got wonderful results.

Answer 18

throw yourself on the floor & have a tantrum with her that sometimes will shock them enough they"ll think twice next time. If not don't give in to these tantrums.

Answer 19

try chocolate no one can resist chocolate lol

Answer 20

I would suggest you run a search in the books section of the google search engine. i am sure you will find something.